Not too long ago I had a consultation session that I want to write about today because I believe this woman’s problem could be quite common. She told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend already a year ago. In general it had been her decision to break up and although it had hurt she knew that it had been the right decision. But whenever she got to know that he had a new girlfriend or saw pictures online how he was hanging out with other women, she had a nagging feeling of jealousy – and then straight away got angry at herself for this feeling. What should she do?
The real problem is not jealousy. If you know me and my idea of life, you will know that I believe feelings like jealousy are very natural. So first of all you should not get angry at yourself for being jealous! Let the feeling come and go – and find out the reason why it is happening. I actually believe you are inviting it, creating this situation voluntarily.
How, you ask?
By looking for your ex-boyfriend online! By keeping him on your facebook friends list and not only that, regularly visiting his profile to check what he is up to and keeping him in a list for the most important people whose updates you always want to have! Almost spying on him through social networks! If you don’t want to hear about him and what he is doing, just cut that connection! Oh, but you are a bit curious, aren’t you?
The reality is however that you have no right over the other person’s love life anymore. You gave that up the moment you declared the partnership to be over. In a partnership you have an agreement not to have sex with others, not to dance in a close embrace with other men or women and to be loyal. Once you end your partnership, you have to end this feeling that you have any right to know what the other one is doing or even interfere in that! You are not entitled to comment anymore!
You have to give your feelings, your heart and mind a clear message that the other one is not ‘yours’ anymore! By looking out for new information about the ex, by checking his holiday pictures online and trying to see a sign of ‘the new one’, you are torturing yourself! You need distance so that your unnecessary feeling of jealousy can stop!
And so that you can go on with your life! Because since you both broke up, you are too busy putting your emotions into your past relationship! You are alone, you may even feel lonely but you keep clinging to old times. You don’t regret breaking up, you know why you did it, so let it go!
Until you don’t do that, until you don’t create a clear distance that lets you get peace to sort out your own life, it will be very difficult for any other man to enter your life. Anyone else will notice your jealousy and attachment to your former boyfriend – and know that you don’t have space in your heart for someone else yet.
Do you argue that you don’t want to act in an aggressive way by cutting all connections, even online? You don’t need to be rude to your ex-boyfriend! You can explain that you are confused, that you need time for your feelings to clear, that you want the separation now. There is a wish to be friends? Well, that is fine and maybe later but for now you need the distance!
Stop torturing yourself, keep your distance and you will notice how it gets less and less important what your ex is doing. At some point the jealousy will be completely gone – and you can invite the love of a relationship into your live again.