The Source of Cheating in a Relationship – missing Love? – 5 Aug 16

Today I will write about an issue which seems at first crystal clear but which has created problems and issues for people around the world for centuries: infidelity in a relationship. When one partner cheats on the other. Or even both on each other. I believe it can only happen if love is missing. Or at least a certain kind of love!

As I said, it seems very clear: cheating is bad and wrong. You should not do that, you are in a relationship, you have made an unspoken vow to keep the other one happy and also not to sleep with anybody else! So no, you don’t go and sleep with others and hurt the one you love.

But why does it happen nevertheless? Why would someone go and search closeness to a completely different person instead? I believe that means love is missing. You would not get to the point to do this to the one you love!

What about those who agree on polygamy within their relationship? They know and verbally agree that the other one can go and have sex with someone else. They date others, they sleep with others and still keep a relationship.

I have said many times that in my opinion, this kind of relationship can never work longtime. Now I say even more: I think in this kind of open and polygamous relationship there can never be that kind of love, that passion and intimacy which is in a one-on-one relationship with just one partner, in between two lovers! Many times the idea to have an open relationship comes exactly from this point: you are feeling an earning for more, there is not enough of that love and passion but you don’t want to lose that anchor. You want to have the security while finding the thrill of sex in other places.

Now don’t get me wrong: when I say love is missing in both cases, it doesn’t mean that there is no love at all. No, there probably is – but I think it may be more like a love of siblings, a love for the security that the other one gives you just by always being there, a love for the feeling that there is someone when you don’t find anybody else.

However you cannot have the feelings you have among two partners if you have sex with four others, too! You just cannot give all sex partners the feeling to be special, to be the only one who gets that deep, that far and that close to you!

Still, in all cases, I believe cheating is wrong. If you feel like something is missing, please either end your relationship or tell your partner about it in order to plan for an open relationship. If this is what makes you happy, it is great. Just don’t cheat on your partner and make him unhappy! Make your life more enjoyable, that is definitely important, but not by making another person sad and breaking his or her trust!

Can you share the biggest Love and Intimacy with several Partners? – 29 Oct 14

From yesterday’s diary entry you know that I find love sexy. Yes, I find a whole lot of things sexy that have to do with love and that’s how I see anything related to sexuality also related to love. While thinking along those lines, I realized that I still believe that this love, the great big intimate love of your life, can only happen with one person. Not several. And that’s how I believe a polygamous relationship, a relationship with several partners at the same time, cannot really work.

I have really seen many people trying but have not seen anybody ever succeeding. There were always issues with jealousy and I think the base of this is that you just cannot give this same great love to several people.

I don’t doubt that you can actually get intimate with several people at a time. Why not – that would be a matter of the body and you may strongly like or even love the people you are having sex with. But the love that I am talking about, this big, all-encompassing love which means that you accept whoever the other is, no, that won’t be shared in such a session!

How could you? How could it be the same feeling of the deepest connection? Isn’t the best part that you know the other one to a point that nobody else does? That no part of mind or body is taboo for you and only for you?

Then there is the physical question: you feel your loved one touching your body and you know this touch. You just know the way your partner’s fingers hold yours, how the other hand stroked your hips – how can you have the same enjoyment the next day with someone else? Another way of moving the hand, another feeling of fingers – wouldn’t you compare and thus somehow love one more than the other? You can never have the same feeling for another person!

No, emotionally, physically, mentally, I believe you cannot fully surrender to several partners and love each of them in the same deep way. You can have a night together. You can have a great time. You can enjoy sex, physical love.

But you won’t have the great love of your life with three or four people.

Prove me wrong if you can. 🙂

You cannot love, have Sex with different People and not be jealous all at the same time! – 17 Mar 13

After visiting a lot of different places in Germany in 2005, I also went to Copenhagen in that year, as it had nearly become a routine over the years. I had made several friends there over the course of time and I was looking forward to see them all again. One of them had birthday in the time when I was there, too, and so it was nice to get together and enjoy. In the days that I spent in Denmark, I also had quite an interesting conversation with one of my friends, who strongly believed in polygamous relationships.

This friend did not only say that he believed in open relationships, he also lived according to this philosophy. He was in a relationship with a woman whom he called his wife but he simultaneously had a loose connection with several other women as well. He lived together with one woman but they both agreed that they could sleep with other men and women, too. They had probably enjoyed threesomes with people whom they both liked, too. Until I met them I had heard of this concept but had not closely met people who lived according to it, so I was always interested to hear more about their daily life and how they managed in this open relationship.

When I was there in May 2005, my friend was not very happy and seemed rather thoughtful and sad to me. When I asked him what the matter was, he told me that his wife had had sex with another man. I also knew this man and nodded, wondering whether that was a matter to be sad. He admitted ‘When I got to know that she had slept with him, I felt jealous and I had to go out and take a long walk in the forest to calm down.

I did not completely understand that and asked ‘I know that you have slept with other women, too. How come you get upset if your wife sleeps with another man if you can sleep with other women?’ ‘I wouldn’t mind if she had sex with you!’ he answered, ‘But just look at that guy with whom she slept! You know him! It is as though she sleeps with just any random guy on the street!’

I tried to open his eyes a little bit through his curtain of jealousy: ‘If she has the freedom to sleep with someone else, you are not the one who can decide with whom she should sleep! It is her own, free choice! You see, it is normal, human nature to be jealous but you both agreed that you would not be! If you can sleep with others and not ask her about it, she can do the same!’

I have seen this and other examples that gave me the impression that polygamous relationships don’t really work. If you are really in love with someone, this situation makes you jealous, you won’t be able to avoid that! If you have feelings for this person, it is impossible!

I believe the concept of open relationships is against human nature. If you just want to function sexually, without any feelings and without love, it might work, as you are creating no attachment. If you continue your sexual relationship for a longer time though, you will develop feelings and that is the point where jealousy can happen, too! If you love someone, if you feel for someone and this person sleeps with someone else, it is natural that you get jealous!

Open relationships can only work if you don’t have feelings. So if you believe in this concept, don’t allow yourself to fall in love – otherwise you will get into a sad situation like my friend. He could accept what I told him – but of course the pain was there anyway!

Sects going to Extremes – Either lots of Sex or no Sex at all – 12 Aug 11

A few days ago I wrote about polygamy after hearing of a sect leader in the US who had several wives who were not even adult. Of course I thought a bit more about the connections of sex and religion and the concept of polygamy. I noticed that there seems to be always extremes about this topic.

Look at all those religions or religious groups that advocate polygamy. It is usually the women who are subordinate to the husbands. You can find the marriage of several women to one man in cultures and societies where men are dominating. They were the ones who made the rules, they were the ones to write the scriptures and thus they were the ones who decided that women are the weak gender and need to obey men. Islam is again and again criticized for the fact that women are not treated equally to men, that they are suppressed and mistreated. Also in Hinduism there are many points where you can see this male dominance.

In many religions, sects and groups with certain belief, this view on women leads to extremes. Either sex becomes very important and they try to have as much as possible, mostly with as many people as possible, or they fully neglect it, stop having sex and don’t even think about getting in touch with women.

I have met a lot of people who formerly have been in sects and many who were still. Look at ISKCON, the International Society of Krishna Consciousness with its headquarters in Vrindavan. They believe sex is a sin. They can marry but even then they are only allowed to have sex for one purpose: for having a child. Not at any other time. If you have sex merely for pleasure, it is a sin. There are others, like the Brahma Kumaris sect, who also say any sexual action or even thought is a sin. It is dirty, it is sinful and obviously against God’s wish. The Sadhus in Hinduism and the Catholic priests, the monks of different religions, so many have announced that they go in celibacy for the rest of their lives.

On the other hand there are movements where sex is the main topic and everything is about sex! In some, or maybe most, it is allowed only for men to have sex with several women and not for women to have several men. There are some philosophies though, like what is now called Tantra in the west, in which people live their whole lives around sex. When such ideas are spread, additionally with a religious thought behind them and an organization above, the groups turn to sects and the way is open to abuse again.

It is usually either a lot of sex or no sex at all. They go into extremes, sometimes because they believe women are dirty, sinful and not God-like and other times because they believe women are divine and a lot of sex gives them a lasting divine experience. Why don’t we just get into balance? Why is it one extreme or the other? See sex as a natural part of life, don’t make it bigger than it is and don’t neglect it. It won’t work. Women and men are equally made by God and sometimes drawn towards each other. It is normal and natural. Don’t use God or religion to deny nature.

Sects use Religion as Excuse to abuse Children – 9 Aug 11

Recently I came across an article online in which I for the first time read about Warren Jeffs, the leader of the polygamist sect ‘Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’ in America. He has recently been convicted for sexual assault on children and will soon get to know for how long he will have to go to jail for this crime. When you read the article, you immediately know that this man is sick and that he used his religion and the belief of others in order to satisfy his sick desires.

His niece and nephew both told the court about the sexual abuse they had faced in their childhood, when they were only five and seven years old. What he was convicted for however was that he had ‘spiritual wives’, a 12-year old and a 15-year-old whom he told how they should sexually please him – in order to please God. Another girl allegedly got pregnant when she was only 14 years old. It is not clearly stated how many ‘spiritual wives’ he had but it is clear that many of them were minors.

Very obviously this man is sick, as he even requested to stay away from the sentencing because it would hurt his religious feelings to hear people speak in such tones about his religion. He believes himself to be a prophet. Maybe he even believes himself that he was doing right when he abused those children! The shocking thing is that this all was done in the name of religion and belief and people have let it happen.

What about the parents of those girls, his minor wives? Where were they? I can only imagine that they believed their children to be safe because they believed in this abuser. They believed that he might know what God wants and that he would guide their daughters to a religious, pious life. Everybody must have known that it is a sect that believes in polygamy. This sect believes that a man needs at least three wives to satisfy his requirements. The parents probably had the strong belief that their leader would marry their daughters to the husband that God chose for them, even if he had several other wives already.

Isn’t it crazy how religion is in that purpose only a way to manipulate people? Just tell people often enough that something is God’s wish and they will believe it! Whether that is sexual abuse, incest, child abuse or even rape and murder, the leaders of such sects are responsible for so many crimes! And they can commit these crimes simply by claiming that God told them to. Isn’t this also the excuse for so many terrorists? They kill themselves and many others in the belief that they are doing it for God. Additionally they have the outlook of getting a high number of virgin wives when they get killed themselves.

I don’t believe that it could be God’s wish that one gender is worth less than another. I also don’t believe that it could be God’s wish that you kill others in his name. And I don’t believe that it is God’s wish that you molest and abuse children or women or any other being. I believe God wants us to be equal and to live in a loving way with each other.

Polygamy and its Consequences – 24 Jul 08

I have many friends all over the world and most of them believe in monogamous relationships. Others think that it is better, healthier and more fun to have several partners. They try and maybe succeed for a while to live in a ‘free relationship’. I have seen some attempts in this way but it never worked out on the long run.

It can also lead to very funny situations. One of my friends, a supporter of modern polygamy, once told me which situation he got into: He was going for a walk with his lover when another couple approached them. At a distance of a few meters he saw that it was his wife with her lover. They all knew each other and so they stood there for a while and had a nice talk. As it was a popular way for walkers, many people came by and one couple more stopped when they saw them: It was his lover’s husband and his lover. He said the introduction that followed was the best part: Dear husband, this is my lover and his wife. Dear Lover, this is my husband and his lover. Dear wife, this is my lover, her husband, his lover and the lover’s husband. What a great system! 

Three Men and one Baby – who is the Father? – 23 Jul 08

Once a woman came for a healing session somewhere and told me her problem. She said: “I am pregnant but I don’t know who the father is. I have three friends, two are single, one is married and one of them is the father.” To one of the single men she told that she was pregnant and since then he had not talked any word with her anymore. Now she was afraid, if she told the others, too, they would do the same.

She said: “I don’t know what to do now; I do not want to have an abortion. Now I have to pay for my child myself because I don’t know who the father is. The man whom I told it, he has relations with a couple of other women, too, and I was always thinking how any man can have a relation with several women. And now I am doing the same. I know, I have repeated this mistake after 15 years. The same thing happened in that time and my son is now 15 years old.”

She said that she was always shocked how many men have several women but she realized that she had done the same. I replied that I hear that many times because people share with me their most intimate situations. When I said this, she was very relieved that she was not the only one.

In this kind of situation I also do not have a big answer. I said her, yes, now it is like this. I gave her healing and many blessings for her and her child. But of course I would like to say that people should take a bit more care. There are things on the market which can avoid not only pregnancy but also sexually transmissible diseases. Your body is the temple of your soul. Take care.