How much Time do you have for your Relationship? – 20 Dec 10

Yesterday I said that people don’t have space in their lives for their parents and grandparents. It is true, I very often see and hear this. People don’t even have time and space for each other in their relationship!

In my healing sessions I very often have to ask people if they take enough time in their day for their relationship. I get funny answers, some people live together but sometimes don’t even see each other for several days!

Why? Both are working, sometimes at different times, then there are hobbies, children and their appointments, then she goes to visit her parents or he goes to meet his football friends. At the weekends he needs time for sports and she wants to go shopping with her friends. He goes for another meeting with potential customers and she prepares a presentation for next week’s work. There is no time for their partnership.

You need to take time out of your busy day for your relationship for it to work. Otherwise it is only an agreement of living together and from time to time sleeping with each other.

I have the feeling that many people actually want to take time for each other and know that it is important but then have so many other goals and things they need to do that they don’t manage.

They have high ambitions in their job and career. For this you have to invest time into work. They want to achieve or keep a good living standard and for that need to earn money.

Again, for this you have to invest time into work. And then of course you need to have social contacts. You should also do some exercise to stay healthy.

Well, ambition, work, social life, sports, you can mention many things that keep you from spending time with your partner. The reality is however, you need to give your partner and your partnership time. Give time to love! Otherwise you will feel that the spark is gone. You didn’t give the spark any air to start a fire! Or you had a fire and you smothered it with all those things that were more important.

In a relationship you need time for each other. Be with each other!

Here in Wiesbaden now everything is ready for leaving the apartment. Thomas, Iris, Ramona and I are going to fly to India today! We have booked on the same plane and tomorrow will be writing from the Ashram. We are all looking forward to a little bit warmer weather and the beautiful time of Christmas at the Ashram.

Want Divorce? Looking for a Change? – 26 Apr 10

Yesterday I wrote about respect and of course that is a very important factor in relationships, too. In the Darshan I said that it is easy to fall in love but then you have to nourish this little plant of love so that it gets strong and tall. If you fall in love, this is an easy thing to do but many times people tell me that they do not feel anymore what they felt in the beginning of their relationship.

It is interesting if you compare that with an Indian marriage. In the beginning, sometimes it is even the first years, there is some trouble. That is because of the concept there. An arranged marriage means that they have to get to know each other very quickly with the knowledge that they are now married and have to live with each other. Additionally the woman is usually in a fully new territory. She moved from her parents’ home to her husband’s parents’ home. There, life is fully different, her mother-in-law might expect different things than her own mother did and of course the family also has to adjust. Usually they all do and slowly adjustments are made until they then fully find together, settle and enjoy.

Arranged marriage is not a good concept, this kind of conflicts are bound to arise. Then it is much more beautiful if you see the early stages of marriage in the west, when they couple is happy to go on a great honeymoon together, they enjoy and already know of each other how they live. They chose. But then it is so strange that they can be together for ten to fifteen years and then they start having problems and even break up. I hear this so many times. Why? What is the reason? After this long time you know each other well enough. Did the other one suddenly change? Even if there are changes, can’t you go them together? Having loved each other for so long, how does it happen? Sometimes I feel that the situation is not at all bad but they are looking for a change, they are bored. They are looking for something new. Of course I am not saying that you should go against what your soul needs, sometimes you need to make a decision like that, but most of the times I just see that people are looking for a change.

I believe I have written enough about the statement ‘The spark is gone’ and I also heard many times that in every day’s routine, the charm has vanished and the excitement is gone. I am always a fan of talking honestly about your feelings. And even if you don’t feel like, be positive and try to find a way out of this feeling together. Initiate something yourself, something new and exciting, see how beautiful a routine can be and just be happy. It is your decision and often we refuse to realize this. Do it, just decide for happiness.
 

Ego and Small Annoying Habits in Relationships – 18 Jan 10

Yesterday I talked about relationships in which two partners are close physically but not devoted to each other. In these cases, ego arises. Ego of comparing and thinking one is better, ego of thinking in terms of ‘mine’ and ‘yours’ instead of thinking of ‘ours’.

I am not saying that you should use the same toothbrush, but if it starts annoying you when your partner sits down on the chair that you usually use, you should feel a little bit deeper and see where that feeling comes from.

I said already one day that many people say in these cases ‘the spark was gone’ as the reason for them to break up. Feel yourself before you start correcting your partner about small things that don’t really matter. Have a look at your habits before you criticize the other one. And then please think: were not these habits exactly those points that you loved about the other one in the beginning of your relationship? How come this went away?

I also heard that many people have this problem after moving in together because they were used to live alone for such a long time. In this case I always recommend to really value the moments when you are together. Whether it is that you are cooking together, working at home together or sitting on the couch together in the late evening which you couldn’t do when you were living alone, far away from each other. In these moments feel inside yourself and feel the love and happiness that you have inside. Feel this love and be happy.

One Spark, Another Spark and where is the Love? – 17 May 09

Yesterday I told about a friend who was shocked when her boyfriend left her. I was asking her on phone why the spark has gone. I said to her that there would be a reason, maybe there is someone in whom he saw a new spark. And this is why he is saying that the spark has gone from their relationship. She replied that she did not know if there was someone else. But today she wrote me ‘Yes Swami Ji, you were right.’

She got to know that there was somebody. But for me the question is, how can a spark go when you see a new spark? And how long will the new spark stay? What is the guarantee that there will not be another new spark? And then for the whole life they want to experience only sparkling? How can they enjoy deep love if they are just in sparks all the time? For me love is not a spark, it is the light which shows you the way. A spark is a spark, only for a moment and when it is gone you are in darkness. Love is the light.

The Spark has Gone – 16 May 09

I talked with one of my friends on phone today. She was still in a state of shock because last week her boyfriend had moved out. She said ‘I can’t believe that it happened but it did! We have a child together and are together since 11 years. I am sad but I don’t know the reason. As a reason he said that the spark of our relationship has gone.’

When she told me this I said to her: ‘There has to be a reason why the spark has gone.’ Unfortunately it is nowadays a problem in relationships that people after a while feel the spark has gone. It is maybe in this case unusual that it happened after even 11 years because these days I see that the spark is gone after a much shorter time like one year or two. Why?

There will be a reason and we need to find it if we want to save the relationship and avoid hurting others. This is a very big and very individual topic. In every relation there can be another reason why the spark has gone so it is difficult to generalize this.

It is my work, I also try to analyze this and there are different reasons. To my friend I said to accept the situation. I know she is sad and shocked but if this kind of thing happens, you need to accept it. The more you fight and struggle with that, the more it will depress you. The solution is to accept the situation. I will talk more about this and similar subjects in the next days.