The Source of Cheating in a Relationship – missing Love? – 5 Aug 16

Today I will write about an issue which seems at first crystal clear but which has created problems and issues for people around the world for centuries: infidelity in a relationship. When one partner cheats on the other. Or even both on each other. I believe it can only happen if love is missing. Or at least a certain kind of love!

As I said, it seems very clear: cheating is bad and wrong. You should not do that, you are in a relationship, you have made an unspoken vow to keep the other one happy and also not to sleep with anybody else! So no, you don’t go and sleep with others and hurt the one you love.

But why does it happen nevertheless? Why would someone go and search closeness to a completely different person instead? I believe that means love is missing. You would not get to the point to do this to the one you love!

What about those who agree on polygamy within their relationship? They know and verbally agree that the other one can go and have sex with someone else. They date others, they sleep with others and still keep a relationship.

I have said many times that in my opinion, this kind of relationship can never work longtime. Now I say even more: I think in this kind of open and polygamous relationship there can never be that kind of love, that passion and intimacy which is in a one-on-one relationship with just one partner, in between two lovers! Many times the idea to have an open relationship comes exactly from this point: you are feeling an earning for more, there is not enough of that love and passion but you don’t want to lose that anchor. You want to have the security while finding the thrill of sex in other places.

Now don’t get me wrong: when I say love is missing in both cases, it doesn’t mean that there is no love at all. No, there probably is – but I think it may be more like a love of siblings, a love for the security that the other one gives you just by always being there, a love for the feeling that there is someone when you don’t find anybody else.

However you cannot have the feelings you have among two partners if you have sex with four others, too! You just cannot give all sex partners the feeling to be special, to be the only one who gets that deep, that far and that close to you!

Still, in all cases, I believe cheating is wrong. If you feel like something is missing, please either end your relationship or tell your partner about it in order to plan for an open relationship. If this is what makes you happy, it is great. Just don’t cheat on your partner and make him unhappy! Make your life more enjoyable, that is definitely important, but not by making another person sad and breaking his or her trust!

Don’t get cheated when choosing a Taxi at the Airport in Delhi! – 29 Feb 16

About two weeks ago, one of our guests made an experience which was not something I would wish on any other visitor of India. Unfortunately, it happens – even though I have to say not only in India but pretty much every other big and touristic town around the world: our friend was cheated by a taxi driver at the airport.

In fact, that is in general nothing new. There have been warnings of scams like that in travel guides for years. The books would tell every reader to take a pre-paid taxi at the airport where the rates are clearly stated and fixed and where you don’t hand the money to the driver but pay at the airport. In this way, you can be sure that the driver drops you where you wanted to go.

That was necessary because there were many cases of fraudulent taxi drivers who would take passengers, then drive them around in circles in Delhi and ask them for more money as it was ‘so far’.

Not too long ago, a visitor who had only come by for a meal told us how she was cheated: She had arrived in the middle of the night and provided an address for a hotel in Jaipur to a taxi driver outside the airport. The driver drove her through dark backstreets to a travel agent who explained that it was impossible for them to take her from the normal road! There allegedly were strikes and the road had been blocked – so she would have to pay the equivalent of 300 Euro to go there! That’s more than three times as much as it should cost, if not more! She got in anyway, as she had no idea that it was a fraud – but she already regretted having paid so much!

So either you have an idea of how much your trip should cost, you get a safe pre-paid taxi or you ask your hotel to pick you up! That’s what we offer as well: we will pick you up at the airport.

In our recent case however, the cheaters were quick. It was actually me waiting at the airport, as I had had business in Delhi and then went to pick up our next guest. Just that she didn’t come and two hours later, I drove home anyway. We reached at the Ashram at about the same time and we got to know the following: before our guest could find me, she was approached by a man who had maybe heard her asking others for our car to Vrindavan. He told her that ‘the Ashram’ car had broken down on the way and he had been sent instead to pick her up!

So this man drove her around Delhi for hours, then stopped at an ATM machine for her to get money out, as he insisted that she had to pay him, and only then drove her to Vrindavan, put her in a rickshaw there and then had her brought to our Ashram.

You can imagine how relieved our new friend was when she finally reached the Ashram. She had not thought of calling us to confirm the man’s story before she got into his car.

My reason for writing this blog post is not to make you afraid of coming to India. There are always good and bad people everywhere around the world. I want to make you aware however that these things can happen and to stay safe. Organize a pick-up or get a pre-paid taxi. Keep a phone number ready and don’t hesitate to ask others for a phone if you are in any doubt.

When Women accept their Husbands’ extramarital Affairs – 7 Dec 15

When I was in Germany, some friends told stories of their friends. One of them made me think of the situation a lot of women are in here in India and I wondered whether it is not such a big difference after all: in relationships, some women decide to simply accept their husbands’ affairs. For comfort or out of fear.

A friend told me that a woman whom she had known for more than twenty years, had been living in a very unusual setting with her husband for a long time already: her husband only comes to visit her about once a week. For the rest of the time he lives with his girlfriend. Whenever he comes home, everything is as though they were normally married: he brings home his laundry which she washes, she cooks for one more person at meals and he is simply back home.

They don’t sleep in one bed however – and that was the point of the story where I just had to ask: what came first, sleeping in separate beds or the girlfriend? It was sleeping in separate beds! The woman had once told her husband that she didn’t feel like having a sexual relation with him anymore. She didn’t want to sleep with him anymore and gave him the option to go wherever he wanted to go to in order to satisfy his needs.

They didn’t get separate for several reasons, mainly because it is so much simpler: they keep tax and accounts as one, she can live as she has always been living and he has his freedom as well. They are on good terms, everything is alright.

I had to think of the families that Ramona goes to visit, the parents of our school children where women often pretend they are living in a normal, happy relationship while their husbands are actually sexually very active outside their marriage. It is even clearly visible from outside that the woman is more alone than together with her husband – but they keep up the image of a marriage. The pretense of a life together as a couple, because it is easier than separation and for them better than being seen as divorced in a society that frowns upon that.

I see similarities, I feel it is pretty much the same. It is more comfortable to do it this way. At the same time I don’t want to judge whether it is right or wrong or maybe right in the context of one country and wrong in the situation of another one! It was simply a similarity I saw and wanted to point out – maybe you find it interesting, too.

Trust is good – but trust your Doubts as well! – 16 Nov 15

I know I usually tell people to get a bit more trust. To not meet other people with a negative attitude from the beginning. There are however situations in which you should definitely not trust without checking whether the other one is not a fraud. Mostly in such situations, it is about money. If you find yourself in doubt whether the person in front of you is sincere or a fraud, you may want to read today’s blog entry.

First of all, be careful not to get too impressed by the getup of anybody sitting in front of you. The person can drive a big car, be dressed in the best designer clothes and carry the latest iPhone in his hand – but that doesn’t make him honest! The bigger the fraud, the bigger his setup of clothing and accessories. Big liars and cheaters will have all the items that make an impression on you and seem to prove that they are completely sincere.

Another point is: liars and cheaters nearly always talk way too much. And that is where you can often find out that they are everything but honest! Simply listen to what this person says: if he is a liar, he won’t even remember what he said two minutes ago. He will just keep on talking and tell you lies, contradicting himself. Habitual liars don’t have any idea of what they said because they tell so many lies that they cannot remember each of them. So if you just stay quiet, you will find usually find out whether he – or she for that matter – is lying.

Finally, this all would not necessarily mean that the person was a cheater in the matter which you wanted to talk with him about. We come to the point however when it comes to money: never trust a person when he says ‘You can trust me, just give me the money’. If you then clearly say that you don’t know the person and have a difficulty to trust him, he or she may answer ‘If you don’t trust me, we cannot work together!’ This is the point when the fraud may very well just run away.

The lesson is: sometimes, doubts are just right where they are. If you have doubts in trusting someone, never feel shy to express these doubts! If the person is in any way serious or genuine, he or she will do every effort to clear them and earn your trust. Only fraud persons will run away!

Dishonesty with full Honesty – India’s Tour Guide Commission Business – 21 Jul 15

I have told you yesterday about a job interview with a government certified tour guide. He told us people always insisted on giving him money. I already explained that usual tour guides always expect money, directly or indirectly. Today I want to show you more clearly how this man did not make a difference here – even though he thought that he was doing us a favour.

After this man had expressed his attitude towards tips, I was already quite sure that he would not be the right person for us. The next thing he said confirmed this suspicion:

‘Don’t worry, you are Brahman, I am Brahman, I will work for you! I will take them shopping and will give you a share in the commission. We are Brahmans, I will honestly bring you your complete part of the commission!’

Oh, I know that all corruption takes place in complete honesty! In the same way this man was the most honest person of all! He will honestly take our guests to these outrageously expensive shops at the side of the Taj Mahal, convince them that the rubbish these people are selling is of outstanding quality and charge ten times the value of those souvenirs! Honestly he will then take his share from the shopkeeper and put it in his pocket, honestly taking a small part out for us as well.

That’s how a lot of people earn a lot of money in ways and places that they actually should not! How could we ever send a guest with such a person?

Before leaving, this man added: ‘It is good if Brahmans support Brahmans. I support you, you support me!’

My friend had brought this man to introduce him to us and was sitting next to me. That was the only reason why I held back from saying: ‘Oh, you had wrong information, I am from the untouchable cast! And now you drank water and chai in my home!’

I don’t want to bring a friend into such a situation and that’s how I did not say anything like this. I told him very clearly on phone however that this was not the kind of person we are looking for. So Yashendu and Purnendu will keep on going on tours with our guests until we find someone whom we can really trust!

Does Spirituality mean you can forgive yourself for cheating? – 15 Jul 15

A few weeks ago I had an individual counselling session here at the Ashram with an Ashram guest. It was a man who had come to India to find physical relaxation and mental clarity. He had decided to book our Ayurveda Yoga Holiday and thus had yoga classes and received Ayurvedic massages and treatments. On top of that, he asked me to have a talk with him. It was, in fact, a talk all about the question of secrets and clarity.

This man told me about his relationship. He had been together with a woman for eight years already. They love each other and cared a lot for each other but they just never felt the need to marry. They were happy as they were, without any official certificate of ‘belonging together’. For the past three years they have been living together.

At this point he hesitated before he continued: ‘But I have not been faithful.’ He had been cheating on his partner for a long time already. He had slept with several other women. Most of these encounters had been one-night-stands with women he had only just met and didn’t know further but he had also slept with a common friend of theirs.

I have had a lot of people sitting in front of me in counselling sessions and also this topic is not completely new to me. So when this man stopped and looked at me, expectantly, I told him what I usually recommend: be honest! If you love your partner, tell her about it. If you hide it, it is a secret that will slowly poison not only your relationship but also your mind. You will feel so guilty inside that you won’t be able to hide it anymore at some point. There is a chance that she can forgive you if you are open about it and regret it. Otherwise you will go through a hell full of guilty feelings.

I got a very unusual answer to this: ‘Oh, I don’t feel guilty! I am not that kind of person. I am able to forgive myself! But I am afraid that she will freak out! It is her house we are living in – she might kick me out… I am not sure whether I could afford a flat in our town on my own!’

Oh well, so there was the truth: this man was spiritually so advance that he could forgive himself for cheating on the woman he had just told me he loved. Very clear. At the same time he also very clearly saw the benefits of living in her home… Now it was just up to me to clear one confusion in his mind: it cannot really be love if you do something that would clearly hurt your partner and then hide it because you want to take advantage of her love!

A clear case – what do you think?

When Cheating leaves a Family without Home and in financial Trouble – Our School Children – 17 Apr 15

Today I would like to introduce you to a former employee of the Ashram and her daughter who has been at our school since the very beginning. In fact, four of her six children have been at our school and we have been supporting their family for many years. The girl is called Ruchi and is now 17 years old.

Her mother, Mamta, has been cleaning and helping our mother already in that time when my parents were still living in our town house. I believe it was 2003 when she started at our place. She moved with us to the Ashram and many of our guests of the past ten years will remember her, cleaning the Ashram while singing. Unfortunately in the past year, her health has deteriorated, she got swelling in her feet and water retention in various places of her body. Additionally she gained weight and then had issues with her breathing and more. To make it short, she was not able to work anymore and we parted on good terms, keeping on supporting her children.

What many of our guests who have met Mamta won’t know is that she is the mother of six children and already has five grandchildren! Her eldest daughter is 25 years old, her second daughter 23 years old, both are married and have children. Then there is a son with 19 years who has lived at our Ashram for several years and is now learning to be an electrician in Delhi. The next two, Rahul and Aman, have done their primary education at our school and are now at a higher school, 14 and 15 years old.

And last but not least there is Ruchi with her 17 years. You will wonder why she, being older than her two brothers, is still in the 6th class of our school while her brothers have already passed the 8th class. The reason is that they all started school at the same time and then their parents did not pay as much attention to sending their daughter to school as they did for their boys! That’s how Ruchi was often not present and had to repeat a class because she didn’t get good results in her exams.

By now however Ruchi has picked up and takes learning serious herself which has improved her results in school! At home however, they are in a crisis.

For many years, one big problem of the family had been that the father enjoyed gambling. Obviously, he regularly lost money, his own earned money and that of his wife, and often that left the family with troubles making ends meet! Now however, the problems got even worse!

The family father has been working in the Ashram opposite ours as a cook for many years. Not anymore now however – because he had sex with several female employees and even a customer of the Ashram. His wife, along with the children, went to help out at the Ashram often, not against payment but as Sewa, service to the guru. She obviously got to know about her husband’s cheating – and they caused a scene. She asked him to leave work and the women there, he hit her and finally his employees asked them to leave.

They had been living in a room provided by the Ashram as well, which obviously they had to leave. They have rented two rooms nearby – but now they have to pay about 65 US-Dollars of rent every month and don’t have a steady income anymore! The father goes to cook at every possibility he finds in order to get enough money.

It is a difficult time for the family but we want to ensure that Ruchi will not, as they might try, quit her schooling in order to help out. We will be in touch and will further support this girl’s education as far as she will go!

If you would like to help us helping children like her, we welcome your donation for a child sponsorship or for a food for a day!

Teenagers having Sex for Money? Look at their surrounding! – 9 Apr 15

So I have been writing about people who cheat on their partners and told some funny stories as well. I mentioned how it is about India’s system of arranged marriage and the big taboo that is created around sex. Of course this is also a reason why it is so funny to tell such stories – but all the fun stops when you see another result of this suppression: when young girls start having sex, sometimes really lots of it, for money.

Unfortunately this really happens and while we hear about this, there is nobody that openly admits to it. People always talk about third persons but a direct approach will always result in shaking heads. Obviously – it is a kind of prostitution and everyone knows that it is not right. Nevertheless it takes place and not too rarely.

These are girls of families that don’t have a lot of money but who are also not really very poor. They are from the lower middle class for example or also the upper lower class. I am not talking about those who need to get money from anywhere, anyhow in order to eat. No, I am talking about those girls who choose whom they would like to have sex with against money, not because they depend on it but just because it brings them some more money than they would normally have!

When you ask me how they start going down that path, what the reasons could be for this kind of prostitution, I have to tell you just what I believe: the atmosphere at home. I think the most important part is the raising and upbringing of children which leads to what they do in their teenage and adult life.

I also think that children do what they see and when they get to know that both of their parents have several sex partners, they don’t think that there is anything wrong with that! They see men coming and going or women coming and going. If they saw their parents united in love as one, they would wish this for themselves, too!

And if one or two in the house are already hiding their sexual relationships, it is not difficult for a third one to do the same! This was the case with the daughter of the couple I already told you about.

Additionally the atmosphere and people of the surrounding will already be of the kind that encourage such behavior! A young girl, thirteen years old, knows about the value of money and unfortunately has a mind that can be easily manipulated as well. She doesn’t have much on her own and would love to have more – so why not do what her mother and father are doing as well and earn some more money?

Then there is the attraction that a teenager has to anything sexual anyway! Their body is developing, they have feelings, longing and desire! That is just natural and you cannot blame them for it! Instead of someone who tells them about it though, they have a surrounding that on one hand makes sex a taboo and on the other hand shows them several men who would offer to pay for it!

Combined with a lack of care and supervision by parents, the result is what we can often see: young girls who seem to get money from out of nowhere while being seen from time to time with different men of all ages.

So please, dear parents, think about what you are doing there! You are not only doing this to you and your relationship but also to the next generation!

Sex and Cheating at the Ashram – 7 Apr 15

With Thomas and Iris we were talking about yesterday’s diary topic, the cheating of women and men on their spouses. While we were talking, we remembered about two other former employees of the Ashram and their story of cheating – while they were here, in the Ashram!

We had a new cook, a man who had been recommended to us and who had just started about three or four weeks before. Together in the kitchen were another cook and three assistant cooks. One of these assistants was a woman who had previously worked at the Ashram together with her husband. They had had to leave once because the husband had been too jealous, thinking every other member of the staff wanted to have sex with his wife. He even started a fight with our driver once! When more than a year later the woman asked whether she could work with us again, we agreed – but told her not to bring her husband along, as we didn’t want any fights!

What we didn’t see coming was that affair that developed in our kitchen! The staff started talking and gossiping about it with each other: the new cook and this woman! Well, we thought, everyone here is adult and what they want to do in their private time is their own matter – and who knows whether that is really true anyway? So we didn’t bother much about the rumours.

Until one day another staff member came running to Purnendu, clearly excited, asking him to come! He followed her, thinking something bad had happened, and she brought him to the staff washrooms. There was one door, locked from outside! She whispered to Purnendu that the two love birds were in there together!

It was a ridiculous situation! Purnendu decided to just open the lock. He did and they came out, fully dressed of course, as they had had enough time to realize that something was wrong! Upon Purnendu’s question what they had been doing, they answered ‘Oh, just talking!’

We later found out that our cook actually had a wife, something that he had not bothered to let us know about earlier. We looked at each other unbelievingly and had to laugh a good deal about it, too. Of course we had to ask them to leave, to maintain the Ashram atmosphere. The rest of the staff was happy as if they were in a live soap opera!

Then again however, we wondered: two married people have such a big craving for someone outside their marriage! It must be a sign that something is wrong with their marriage – and well, they were married to just someone. Isn’t it normal that they could be attracted to someone else instead?

In the end, you can only prove the cheating when you catch someone red-handed. Now this is the big question: is being locked in a bathroom together red-handed? Or just looking for a quiet place to talk?

🙂

Divorce is not an Option – not even when Husband and Wife only have Sex with other People! – 6 Apr 15

In the past week, I have been writing about sex and explained the necessity of being more open about it. Unfortunately in the past week I found an example of how people are too open about sex: when they just keep on cheating on their spouses. There we get to another one of India’s big problems: the arranged marriage.

These days, I see more and more men cheating on their wives and women cheating on their husbands! It is true, there are so many cases just within reach that I wouldn’t need to go and search anywhere to find. Last week, we got to know about another such couple.

Both, the man and the woman, are former employees of our Ashram, now working at another Ashram. This man has been cheating on his wife for a very long time. We have heard of it before, we got to know about their fights at home due to this before but we never openly talked to them about it – because that’s just not what someone usually would like to discuss with the public. Usually.

I emphasize this word because now it is just not possible anymore to hide. They have got into trouble with the Ashram they are working at because the husband obviously had sex with some of the Ashram’s wealthier Indian supporters. As you can imagined, that is frowned upon and they may be about to lose their work there.

Obviously, this sparked a major fight at home, with the wife demanding why he could not keep his private parts where they belonged. On the other hand, she was in favour of leaving their work place, as he had so many opportunities there to get into bed with women other than her!

When she said this, however, he laughed. It was not a threat to him, as he openly told her – and anybody who came to talk with them about this topic! He explained: even if she makes us all go anywhere else, I will find women there, too!

Now here is the big joke of the situation: he is not the only one to cheat! His wife does, too!

They have a whole set of other issues as well, which includes domestic violence, him beating his wife, as well as gambling and losing lots of money. Their individual situation is not what I wanted to write about though – I wanted to point out one thing in this whole sexual disaster: they don’t love each other. They don’t have sex with each other. They are not happy together. They are only together for one reason: they are married. Why are they married? Because their marriage was arranged by their parents.

They have to carry on this marriage, they fight, they beat, they cheat, they talk about moving and changing jobs but not once do they mention separation or divorce. No, to the outside, everything has to seem alright.

In this case, the outside would be anybody who has never met them – because now everyone knows about the situation in their marriage!

Again, I want to repeat: this is not an unusual situation! There are so many of them and I think arranged marriage and in addition the big taboo that sex is in this society is at the root of these problems!