The Source of Cheating in a Relationship – missing Love? – 5 Aug 16

Today I will write about an issue which seems at first crystal clear but which has created problems and issues for people around the world for centuries: infidelity in a relationship. When one partner cheats on the other. Or even both on each other. I believe it can only happen if love is missing. Or at least a certain kind of love!

As I said, it seems very clear: cheating is bad and wrong. You should not do that, you are in a relationship, you have made an unspoken vow to keep the other one happy and also not to sleep with anybody else! So no, you don’t go and sleep with others and hurt the one you love.

But why does it happen nevertheless? Why would someone go and search closeness to a completely different person instead? I believe that means love is missing. You would not get to the point to do this to the one you love!

What about those who agree on polygamy within their relationship? They know and verbally agree that the other one can go and have sex with someone else. They date others, they sleep with others and still keep a relationship.

I have said many times that in my opinion, this kind of relationship can never work longtime. Now I say even more: I think in this kind of open and polygamous relationship there can never be that kind of love, that passion and intimacy which is in a one-on-one relationship with just one partner, in between two lovers! Many times the idea to have an open relationship comes exactly from this point: you are feeling an earning for more, there is not enough of that love and passion but you don’t want to lose that anchor. You want to have the security while finding the thrill of sex in other places.

Now don’t get me wrong: when I say love is missing in both cases, it doesn’t mean that there is no love at all. No, there probably is – but I think it may be more like a love of siblings, a love for the security that the other one gives you just by always being there, a love for the feeling that there is someone when you don’t find anybody else.

However you cannot have the feelings you have among two partners if you have sex with four others, too! You just cannot give all sex partners the feeling to be special, to be the only one who gets that deep, that far and that close to you!

Still, in all cases, I believe cheating is wrong. If you feel like something is missing, please either end your relationship or tell your partner about it in order to plan for an open relationship. If this is what makes you happy, it is great. Just don’t cheat on your partner and make him unhappy! Make your life more enjoyable, that is definitely important, but not by making another person sad and breaking his or her trust!

Trust is good – but trust your Doubts as well! – 16 Nov 15

I know I usually tell people to get a bit more trust. To not meet other people with a negative attitude from the beginning. There are however situations in which you should definitely not trust without checking whether the other one is not a fraud. Mostly in such situations, it is about money. If you find yourself in doubt whether the person in front of you is sincere or a fraud, you may want to read today’s blog entry.

First of all, be careful not to get too impressed by the getup of anybody sitting in front of you. The person can drive a big car, be dressed in the best designer clothes and carry the latest iPhone in his hand – but that doesn’t make him honest! The bigger the fraud, the bigger his setup of clothing and accessories. Big liars and cheaters will have all the items that make an impression on you and seem to prove that they are completely sincere.

Another point is: liars and cheaters nearly always talk way too much. And that is where you can often find out that they are everything but honest! Simply listen to what this person says: if he is a liar, he won’t even remember what he said two minutes ago. He will just keep on talking and tell you lies, contradicting himself. Habitual liars don’t have any idea of what they said because they tell so many lies that they cannot remember each of them. So if you just stay quiet, you will find usually find out whether he – or she for that matter – is lying.

Finally, this all would not necessarily mean that the person was a cheater in the matter which you wanted to talk with him about. We come to the point however when it comes to money: never trust a person when he says ‘You can trust me, just give me the money’. If you then clearly say that you don’t know the person and have a difficulty to trust him, he or she may answer ‘If you don’t trust me, we cannot work together!’ This is the point when the fraud may very well just run away.

The lesson is: sometimes, doubts are just right where they are. If you have doubts in trusting someone, never feel shy to express these doubts! If the person is in any way serious or genuine, he or she will do every effort to clear them and earn your trust. Only fraud persons will run away!

The Reason why I am not afraid of future Plans: I trust – but not in God! – 14 Jun 15

In my life, my most important conversation partners are my wife and my brothers. With these three people I discuss all kinds of private and business matters. When I was recently talking with my wife, we talked about both, and our attitude towards future plans and decisions – and I explained why I am not nervous or afraid about what will happen in future.

We take a lot of decisions together, make plans and start new adventures both in our business and private lives. In all of this, Ramona sometimes asks me ‘Aren’t you afraid it won’t work?’ or tells me that she is nervous about the outcome of a certain project we have started. The truth is however that I am not. I may be attentive and with my mind set on work but I will not be afraid or nervous.

Why is that? We talked about this question.

I said ‘I trust that it will be fine.’ And Ramona asked ‘But whom do you trust?’ Of course not any celestial being! I don't believe in any God, so I won’t have the urge to give everything into his hands – I think people do this only for a psychological benefit, as there is not really any omnipotent being who will ‘fix everything’. Nor do I believe that there is a higher power like the universe which will make everything happen as it should be.

Do I trust in myself? Of course I do. Yes, I know what I am doing. When taking a decision, I try to take all important factors into consideration and also respect my feeling for the situation. I know however that I don't know everything. For those areas though which I don't have much knowledge about, I can ask experts who do! I will learn my whole life long, so it will be nice to find out more!

I have a positive attitude in general, see things in a positive light and always have hope that good things will come in future. I don't worry unnecessarily about things I cannot change or influence. I will do the best I can and what is not in my hand is something I will watch attentively but not really worry about!

Finally, there is always the question what the worse thing is that can happen. Most of the times, a realistic view on things shows that it is not really as bad as you are imagining when you are afraid. You won't die. And even if this is the worst thing that can happen – so what?

Anything else is something that we will deal with when it happens. Until then, I and we will do our best possible for everything good. Fear and worry would only disturb!

I always wasted Energy when I didn’t trust my Feelings – 7 Jun 15

I have had a theory for a long while already and have tested it again and again. It always came out as true: trust your feelings when it comes to other people. If you feel like it won't work out with the two of you – in any kind of relationship – cut the ties. If you wait and try to make it, you will just waste your energy and finish it in the end anyway!

Let me explain you exactly what I mean. I have many times in my life met people with whom, after just a short time, I felt that we won't fit together. It is a feeling that you can get from their actions, their words, their looks and just their energy. It gives you the impression that you won't be able to be friends with that person.

Sometimes the feeling gets a bit more intensive and you even feel that you have to be careful not to get into an argument. Your opinions are just very different!

You don't see a real reason to stop communications however and also really would like to be friends, be nice and have a nice time. That's how you make it work. You ignore comments that you would normally object to.

After some time however – and that can be weeks or even months – you will reach the point where you cannot anymore keep it up. A point where you, if you want to stay yourself, honest and real, have to create a distance.

That is the point when such relationships break. And when you actually feel better afterwards. For a long time you kept it up but had to invest a lot of effort and energy into this! When it is then finally over, when it is clear that it won't go on like this, you will be relieved. Relieved that you don't have to have this energy anymore.

Maybe you will even feel some regret that you did so much effort, for such long time. Don't worry though – it is best just as it happened! You have got to know the other one and are sure now that it doesn't fit. Just next time, you can listen to your feeling a bit earlier and act quicker as well!

Trust yourself: you can make Changes and benefit from them! – 25 Mar 15

Yesterday I mentioned that you have to accept changes and go along if you want to be happy. Very obviously, this was about changes from the outside that you have to be flexible for. Today I would like to talk about another kind of change: the one that comes from yourself, from inside of you!

It is one thing to be flexible with the changes that come to you from the outside. It is active work, don’t get me wrong, but then there is something that can seem much more difficult: accepting a change on the inside and, from your own side, take steps to implement these changes in your life. Bring a change of emotion into action. Go ways that others are not going. Go to places that the people in your surrounding and even you have not thought you would go to.

Why don’t you do that? You are afraid. Afraid of what? That it all could go wrong if you leave the path that many have gone before you. You are lacking trust.

Yes, that is why I believe that people in India can accept changes more easily and are more flexible: they trust.

The average western society does not put any focus on teaching you how to trust. It teaches you many different things and a very main focus is security. You should know where you are going at all times, have a plan and a backup plan and don’t take risks.

Life is like a fixed program with clear guidelines which step should come first and which ones should follow. It is clear that following these pre-set paths will be secure. You get taught to believe in this and take care not to step left or right. In fact, you are afraid, if you left the path, the whole program could crash! You are nervous that you get lost and drown. You create stress, pressure and tension at each little change which could lead you off the path!

Trust me, you won’t fall. Trust me, the whole world won’t crash. It won’t crumble around you and you won’t break the world.

You need to learn to trust, not me but yourself. Trust your decisions, have trust in life! Only then you can be happy!

A Feeling of Trust and Love – 15 Feb 15

I have had a few thoughts on partnerships and the togetherness with the one you love most in your life.

In the evenings, after dinner and after having spent time with our guests, we often sit inside my father’s room to be with him for a while, too. It is the time before Apra starts going to bed – or more precisely before the steps that lead to her falling asleep. We play, we talk, we simply spend time together, all sitting on his bed. Yesterday, when we were sitting there together, I leaned my head on Ramona’s shoulder, she moved a bit further towards me and so I was half lying there, cradled in her arms. That feeling which I had then started my thoughts.

Of course I felt loved but there was more to it, finer nuances. I felt hugged, taken care of and protected. It may sound funny, as there is nothing that Ramona would need to protect me of and of course, for everyone who thinks that is an unmanly feeling, I am able to protect myself. 🙂 That feeling is there though and it is a very beautiful feeling, a feeling of trust and love.

At the same time I remembered how beautiful it is for me to hold her in my arms as well! The feeling of having another human whom you can care for and provide for – even though, for every feminist who is reading my blog, my wife is fully able to provide for herself! 🙂 This feeling is also wonderful and although I of course feel this more intensely with Apra, who as a child really depends on me and the adults around her, it is obviously different with Ramona. I feel proud that this woman has chosen me to be the one in whose arms she wants to lie and on whose shoulder she wants to lean when she needs it or wants it.

I know that these feelings are somewhat primal, that there are very basic instincts to it that make them appear in our hearts, bodies and minds. That doesn’t make them less important though, I believe. It is important for me to feel them and I cherish them each time I feel them consciously!

What amazed me yesterday was the realization that we truly have both sides of these feelings. When talking about primal instincts, you think that the man will always feel the pride of being the protector and the urge of being the provider whereas the woman will always want to be protected and taken care of. I know however that we all have both and I think we should live both sides!

I talked with my wife and she, too, has experienced both feelings. I guess it is a sense that can appear in today’s relationships, in a modern society because it is possible in today’s time for a man to accept that he wants to be protected, too, and for a woman to accept that she, too, would like to provide for those she loves.

We need to accept both sides – and I hope you can enjoy them the way I do!

What to do if you are married and think of cheating your Partner? – 13 Oct 14

I was recently contacted by a woman with a very private, personal question: she was married and, as she assured me, happily so. Nevertheless, when she had recently met a man and got to know him better, she actually considered cheating on her husband. She had not, until that point, but was asking me what to do. I would like to look into this situation in today’s blog.

First of all, I am against cheating at all times. Don’t do it. You have realized the feeling, now get a grip on yourself and don’t take this step which won’t only hurt your partner but also your relationship and trustworthiness!

Next, I have heard many people say ‘I love my partner’ and ‘Our relation is wonderful, we don’t have any issues!’ but then in the next sentence they say that they have cheated, that they feel attracted to others or even fell in love with another man or woman. The explanations that they give, although they feel guilty, are something like ‘Love has mysterious ways’ and ‘You cannot explain or describe how and why, it just happens!’ I don’t believe in any of these explanations.

I just don’t believe that you can be in the perfect relationship with your soulmate, your one and only, your forever life-partner – and then feel attracted to another person, even so far that you would and could have sex with that person! No, I know that this means something different: something in your partnership or marriage is incomplete! You are missing something and are looking for compensation from outside!

The first step to deal with those unwanted feelings is to accept this as a fact: you and your partner have an issue. You have to find out the reason exactly why you have those thoughts and feelings.

There are always two possibilities: it is either something that has started recently or a problem that was already present at the beginning of your relationship.

It may be that your partner’s behavior changed over the past few months and you are missing the person that you married or with whom you got together. Or something happened to you or in between both of you that changed you or your view on your partner. You have developed a new need that is not fulfilled.

Or, and that is a more complicated reason, your partner has always been the way he was and you just never accepted a certain characteristic or attitude. You had a doubt in your mind and heart, maybe thought you could change the other one through your love, and carried this relation on with half of your heart.

Once you found the reason for your feelings, you need to find out whether it is curable or not. If you believe it is, talk with your partner. Bring it all out, tell how the problem makes you feel and also explain that you even feel attracted to other people due to it. Don’t threaten or try to pressurize the other one – explain and stay calm!

If however you believe it is incurable and maybe have even made futile attempts for a change, don’t simply cheat, taking the easy way out. No, talk and explain nevertheless. Finish your relationship and get clean and free before you start another one!

Whatever way is right for you, I believe cheating is something that you shouldn’t do to you or others. I hope you will work it out and find a relationship full of love!

Lack of Trust makes Life more difficult! – 5 Jun 14

Yesterday I described how families have less and less of a family life and thus take part less and less in each other’s lives as well. This leads to another problem which I would like to discuss today: there is little to no trust in between family members!

It is actually quite obvious: for developing trust, you have to know each other. For knowing each other, you have to be with each other, spend time with each other. The more time you spend with the other one, the better you know him and the more you can trust. Nowadays however, people don’t spend time with their family members. They don’t have time to get to know them. This means they just cannot develop the trust I am talking about!

This is actually very sad because it is already so difficult in this world to trust anybody! Your family members could be the most reliable people, those whom you can trust easiest. But both, in India and even more so in the west, people don’t really live like families anymore. Whatever the reasons may be, people are not close to each other anymore. I believe this is partly a reason for today’s big amount of psychological problems in the world.

When you can trust someone, you can relax. It gives you peace in your daily life and also mental support in difficult situations. Even if a problem doesn’t get that worse that you need to ask your brother for money, you know that he is there and would lend you some. You know that you could move into your parents’ home for some time if things don’t work out with your boyfriend in your common flat. You know that you could call your sister, a lawyer, doctor, cook or mother and get her professional help if needed. But you cannot – because there is no trust!

Without wanting to go far into the topic, I just want to hint on one consequence that this lack of trust has: banks make more money! When in earlier times family members borrowed money from each other, they now hesitate asking their own siblings to lend them something, even if it is just a few hundreds. They would rather overdraw their bank account and pay lots of interest. People take a loan from a bank in order to buy a house from their parents – instead of paying it off month by month, just as they now pay back the loan. The only one that makes money is the bank. They have the profit from the missing trust!

It is a problem that is quite deep in the society. So deep that most people wouldn’t even consider the consequences as real problems. They understand why it is as it is. Because they themselves cannot trust.

I know they cannot but it would be great if they could. I understand why it is not possible but I wish it was!

The one in front of whom you can be fully naked – in every imaginable Way – 3 Dec 13

Today I would like to write a few lines about the beauty of that relationship with the one person whom you let closest to your heart or deepest within your heart: your partner, your spouse, your lover, your wife or husband, boyfriend or girlfriend. It is the only relation, at least that I know of, where you can be absolutely naked in front of the other one.

Obviously, I am not speaking of physical nudity. Of course, I think you should be able to be naked in front of each other but you may not mind that in front of certain other people as well. No, I am talking about all your deepest inner thoughts and feelings, those which you would hesitate to be as free about even with your parents, siblings and best friends. In the love of this other one, you are able to just completely let go.

Yes, I believe that you can show whoever you really are, until the smallest particle of your soul, to this one person with whom you are connected through a bond of love. In order to do that, you have to kill your ego. Not once but over and over again. In front of the other person, there can be nothing left. You don’t need to hold back in fear that your ego will get hurt because the other one knows you completely, including your strength and weakness, and of course your ego! So once you drop that as well, once even your ego is destructed, you are like a tiny baby in the hands of the other one, naked and fragile, but safe. You are safe and secure with everything you are.

This is the most beautiful feeling you can have!

You know that you can say something stupid and there will still be love.

You know that you can tell something you would be ashamed to share with anyone else but there will still be love.

You know that you can show even anger that is deep inside and the other one will accept it, stand through it and still love you.

You know you can tell about your fears and the other one will hug you, protect you and just hold you in his loving arms at times when you are most afraid.

You know that you can share your regrets and the other one will just listen, acknowledge them and take a part of the burden for you.

You know that there will be love, whatever will come.

Complete Trust is too dangerous – just pretend believing in God – 4 Jul 13

The tragic story that I told you about yesterday sparked some discussions in the media and of course also online on social networking sites. Many people just dismissed the case saying that this man and his family were uneducated and foolish. Another person said ‘It is not good to be too superstitious’ and some religious people said you should not try and test god. I wanted to reply to these and similar statements and, believe it or not, defend this man a little bit.

Why would I, the non-religious non-believer, come to the defense of a man who killed himself and his family in order to see Shiva? Because I think they have been fooled by religion into believing that Shiva would actually come and save them! It was not his intention to die or kill his family, he honestly believed he would be saved.

Those people who said he was just stupid are obviously not aware of the fact that he was not uneducated at all! He was a freelance photographer, he sent his children to school and you cannot say he was like the illiterate villager who will believe anything you tell him. No, he was not illiterate and while you may call him superstitious, there are many educated people who call themselves religious and faithful who are also very superstitious because they believe all those stories of the scriptures.

I have to laugh if you say ‘It is not good to be too superstitious’ – a little bit superstitious is okay? You now call this man too superstitious because the holy food that he gave his family was poisoned and he thought it would not harm. The fact however that you think this food is ‘holy’ at all and has some good benefit is fully fine for you! Isn’t that superstition as well? You eat this food each time after going to the temple and think it will help you – he thought even poisoned food will be good. Isn’t it the same?

The root of superstition is religion and its stories, which you can see very clearly in this example. Scriptures insist that all their stories are true and this man was actually simply a very, very faithful believer! He had full trust in god and god’s power to save him. So much that he even made a video of the evening. He read all those scriptures in which devotees are saved and he followed their example. Many believe the stories are true but few dare to do the experiment. What killed him in the end? Superstition or just a very strong faith?

So shouldn’t you all religious people actually celebrate him as the one real believer? One who had so much faith that he even ate poison? You are scared and don’t believe enough in god to be confident that he would save you! If you cannot do what this man did, you don’t really have faith in god and the scriptures!

What can we learn from the whole story? Maybe that you should not trust god completely because if you do, you will die, waiting for him to come and help you! Fool god, tell him that you believe in him and have full faith while you would never actually trust him that much!

If this is the way that you take your religion, I am again surprised that you manage to lie to yourself or your god that much. If this is what you want to do, you are free to do so but I think it is not honest. If you call yourself religious, you should believe in it 100% with all its scriptures and full faith, like this man.

And if not, I think you should not oppose me if I say that those scriptures which spread such superstition and lead to the deaths of whole families should be destroyed and forgotten so that they can do no further harm!