Is the physical appearance of your partner an excuse for cheating? – 12 Jul 12

I yesterday wrote about ego in relationships and mentioned that one should reduce this ego and listen a bit more to the wishes of the partner instead of only wanting to have your own wishes to be fulfilled. I received an email asking whether one should really leave all his ego to become a servant of the other person’s wishes. Here is the beginning of this email:

“I have been reading a lot in your blog about different topics but especially about relationships. Probably because I have some trouble with my own relationship. …”

The woman goes on explaining that she has been in a relationship for the past eight years, that she always believed he was the love of her life, perfect as he is and until some months ago thought that this was also his feeling for her. Then however she found out that he had been cheating on her for at least two years with several different women. She knows some of these women and believes them to be members of his fitness club. She adds that she thinks they all have a better figure than herself and asks whether I believe she should lose weight, go join his fitness club and hope that he would be true to her after that because she would fulfill his wishes of a slim partner.

“I realize that I do not look the way that he would like to see me. I believe I could, with some effort and discipline and work on my body.”

I decided to reply this email in my diary because I think there might be many people in similar situations.

First of all I want to say that you need to talk to your partner. You should definitely confront him with the fact that you know about his cheating. I have written several articles about cheating and I always say that this is a very huge breach of trust, something that usually breaks a relationship because it is difficult to get back the trust you had before.

I have the impression that you believe your body is the only reason for his cheating. When you talk with him about this and he is really honest, he will most probably tell you that this is not or not only the reason. If he loved you before, why should this change only because your looks change in any way? And if that really was the only problem, you know that he only loved your body – wouldn’t you want someone to love you for who you are, your mind, your feelings, everything included?

So you see, if you change your body, if you even became a copy of one of the women he had sex with, it is not the solution! It cannot be and additionally you wouldn’t be you anymore!

It is not your fault that he cheated! In whatever situation he is, for whatever reason he did it, it was wrong. Even if you had been extremely difficult in the past weeks, if you had had fights with each other, cheating is wrong.

Talk. Tell him about your feelings, your disappointment, your loss of trust but don’t expect this all to be fixed with one explanation or one assurance that it was only a mistake that won’t happen again. I don’t say there is no chance for it to be fine again. With hard work, even trust can be replaced but it is difficult.

You have to however, in any case, keep your dignity, see your own value and understand that the other one made a mistake. You can forgive him, that is another matter, but don’t blame yourself or your ego for that.

Men look for big Breasts and Buttocks – whose Fault is it? – 27 Dec 11

Yesterday, when I was writing about breast implants, I already said that most men would not like touching such artificially augmented breasts. Nevertheless many women say that they have this plastic surgery done because of men or for men – to find one, to please them, to look good for them. Men often get accused for only seeing the exterior, for being focused on the body and to see only the figure, nothing else. Today I would like to challenge this blame a bit.

First of all I would like to clarify that what I write does not apply to all men nor does it apply to all women. Among both genders there are examples for those who are focused on the exterior and those who really give more importance to the interior, to the heart, the mind, to values and similar thinking.

This being said, I want to come back to the topic: men are often blamed to see a woman only as a showpiece. She has to look good. Men only look at the size of the breasts and the buttocks. They don’t care about the intellect of a woman, her kindness or her heart. Obviously this is an extreme exaggeration. I believe no normal man would like to live together with a woman who may have a perfect body but who is mean, unkind and angry. But of course there are men who like to first look at a woman’s exterior.

Apart from the fact that women often do the same to men, too, I would like to point out that women also create this image for themselves. It often is their own fault that men would think like this. You ask yourself in which way? By concentrating completely on their own body themselves! Plastic surgery is the extreme example for it. You yourself reduce your whole personality to being your body only.

You actually use your body as a way to attract attention. Artificial enhancements such as surgery but also your clothing and your make-up say a lot about you. You give a message and if you expose a lot of your body, if you have had surgery to make your breasts or also your buttocks look bigger, if you wear make-up in a certain way, you tell a man to look at your exterior! You yourself focus on your body – why would a man do anything else? You are not only your body! Don’t only say this line but behave accordingly!

In the same way you reduce yourself to your body if you hide it too much. I often have this feeling with the religion of Islam when women wear the burqa from head to toe. Hiding or exposing the body in extreme ways simply puts all emphasis on the body. If a woman goes to extremes in any of those two ways I think it is unjust to exclusively blame the man for his thoughts.

Today’s ideal image of beauty is the woman with the measurements 36-24-36, big breasts, small waist and big buttocks and with no hair on her body except on her head and maybe the arms. It is an image that was of course created by men in this society but why do you follow it? Why do you feel it is right and important to look like this? You are a woman, break this image and respect your body as it is. If women did that, we maybe would not see a female body anymore in TV advertisements for men’s razors!

Of course I don’t say to neglect your body or your looks. It is important to keep yourself clean and also nice-looking. You should not however do this for others but for your own good feeling in your body. Dress nicely for your own self-confidence but not to attract attention. It is your presentation, too, that makes men think of your body. Don’t blame them right away but have a look first whether you provoked this attitude yourself.

For whom do you want to make your Breasts look bigger? – 26 Dec 11

You have probably read about the news that I want to mention in my diary today: in France, the government is now ready to pay for the removal of about 30000 silicone breast implants. Why? Because all these implants were made by a company using wrong material, making the implants more prone to rupture and leaking which increases the risk of cancer in the body. Two deaths of women have already been associated with their implants and you can imagine the situation of those women who have implants in their bodies. The producing company, which decided to use silicon usually used in electronic devices for breast implants, has sold their implants to countries all over Europe and South America. Hundreds of thousands of women are affected. My big question with this topic is always why these women actually have breast implants?

There are a few, very few, situations in which I can say that I could actually understand it: for example if a woman had breast cancer and had to have one of her breasts removed. If she can, with the help of medicine, have an implant and keep her outer appearance and with that avoid a lot of mental pain, I believe it is something good.

What I cannot understand or approve of however is reason that 80% of those women had for getting those implants: their beauty.

Is it really beautiful to do this to your body? You know about the possible side effects, you know that these implants can break after a certain amount of years and that there is always a risk that they might leak. Nevertheless you voluntarily go into surgery and have doctors put a foreign material into your body, to one of your most delicate body parts! Is that not abuse of your body? You may be against tattoos, branding and other modern ways of embellishing your body but what exactly is different in this? It is unnatural!

If you think you are not beautiful to men and that a breast augmentation with silicone implants would help you, let me ask a general question first: Do men really like this? I can tell you that most men really don’t! It is not a nice and natural feeling! Maybe a man could like seeing it but not touching it. So for whom do you make your breasts look bigger? For those who look at them, not for the one who gets close and intimate with you and who will actually touch them in the end.

Now these women live with the knowledge that there is something extremely dangerous in their body. They are afraid of doing extensive sports or sleeping on their belly or accidentally rolling around and breaking their implants in any way. They are in incredible mental stress due to this. Tests are being done whether their implants are leaking but there are stories about tests which were negative and doctors who removed the implants nevertheless discovered they had already leaked. So they cannot trust, they have to have them removed.

If you are thinking about a breast implant, a breast augmentation, a liposuction or any other form of plastic surgery, first of all realize that you change your body from being natural to unnatural. This is you! Why can’t you accept who you are? See that you are beautiful! Realize that you are just fine as you are! Don’t abuse yourself, don’t put anything artificial into your body or have something removed artificially. You are you and you are just great as you are.

Sex and Promiscuity of Men and Women in Society – 9 Nov 10

There is a topic which comes up again and again when I talk with different people. It comes up because it is just naturally in everybody’s mind and it comes up because people have made a very big issue about it: sex. People ask me what I think about sex, about promiscuity, about cheating and about sexual urge.

I heard several times, and of course from women, that the society is unfair regarding women who have a lot of sex compared to men who have a lot of sex. They tell me it seems if a man has several girlfriends, partners or affairs at the same time, he is seen as a great guy, the one who manages to get all these women. Men treat him with respect and maybe even jealousy while women get even more attracted to him. When a woman decides to sleep with changing partners however she quickly gets the reputation of being an easy girl or worse.

I would say that there should not be any difference made in between men and women. Why do you judge a man in another way than a woman? Why do you judge at all? If one person, be that man or woman, decides to have intercourse with different people, it has nothing to do with you, it is their life and their decision.

Of course I am of the opinion if a married person has sex with others, it is wrong. You are in a commitment and if you don’t stick to this, you are cheating the other one, no matter if you are a man or a woman. And even if you are not married but have sex with people who are, you are just the second one who is doing wrong. You are most probably hurting another person through your action.

Apart from that, if you are an adult single man or woman and you have the urge to have sex, you feel sexual need, then I don’t see any problem in it. No difference in gender. If you are hungry, you eat. If you are thirsty, you drink. If you are horny, you have sex. If this is just your instinct, your natural feeling, I would also tell you to go for it and don’t feel guilty about it. Don’t have bad feelings if you have sex in this way. Sex is not a subject of mind, it is a subject of your soul or your body. And if for some time it is simply very physical for you, it is fine!

Of course, I believe it is much more beautiful if there is more love and more soul in it. Then it is making of love and not only physical intercourse. It can happen without love, then you just have sex for having sex. But anybody, man or woman, who has ever experienced sex on the level of soul, will agree that it is the most beautiful experience that you can make.

Be Aware of what you Wear – 13 Aug 10

I started talking about Indian and western clothing yesterday and mentioned that people often advise women who travel to India to take clothes that cover legs and shoulders as they would otherwise attract a lot of attention. Sometimes we have visitors here at the Ashram who have not heard this advice before or who heard it and are curious about it. This is how we are sometimes asked if that is true.

It is surely true that if you show much skin, you attract attention. You will have more eyes looking at you and with more intensity. You might as well call it staring and that often not only by men, also Indian women are quite interested to look what western women are doing. It is true though that showing legs are considered one of the sexiest things in Indian society.

If you do not like the staring, I would say cover yourself up. I know some people also enjoy the extra attention, which is also fine, as long as you know where you are, if it is a dangerous area or not, if you are out in the night or during day and if you just take a little bit care not to overdo it. You might not be able to go everywhere though because there are places, especially temples and Ashrams that do not allow you to enter if you are not properly dressed.

In this point I often believe there are too many rules. Some places even require women to cover their head and arms, too. I do not appreciate this kind of ruling. What is wrong in a woman’s hair, arms or skin? Excess of anything is not nice.

Our Ashram is very free in this way and I like to keep it like this. I do not want to put any rule as to what you have to wear here. I trust that you use your common sense and wear something that makes you and those in your surrounding feel comfortable. You do not need to care that much if you are visitor at the Ashram. You are welcome and invited to feel like home, a member of the family.

Today we enjoyed showering in the monsoon rain which came surprisingly in the afternoon.

Kissing in Public Attracts Attention in India – 10 Aug 10

Ramona and I were talking and laughing a bit about the typical questions that she and other western women always tell us about when they have met Indian women. The first question, after the name and the country of origin of course, is if they are married. If this question is answered with yes, the next one is if they have children. Is the first question answered with no, the next one is when the wedding will happen!
This is simply where many Indian women’s focus is on and what they would like to achieve in life. It is just in the same way as people ask men what they work and how much they earn. So this is one of the things that you might get to know when you travel to India. There are many such things and sometimes you can read about it before in books, hear stories from others and can imagine it.

Once a couple from America was here at the Ashram and the first day they were here, they went out to have a walk. They came back confused and nearly a little bit angry. When we asked them what happened, they said that all people were staring at them so much! At first we told them that it was normal for people to look at foreigners and they should not worry about that but the next day, Purnendu was standing at the gate when they went out and watched how they walked away. They were holding hands and people started looking. Then after some steps the man put the arm around the shoulder of the woman and people turned their heads while driving by. Some steps further they stopped, he pulled her towards himself and they had a long and deep kiss. Purnendu told people stopped their work and came out of the houses to see that.

In India, couples do not show affection publicly in this way. They do not kiss or hug on the street. If an Indian couple had done that, they would have got many comments from others as well and then they got additional attention for the fact that they are foreigners. We explained them nicely that they did not seem to be very aware of Indian culture and that it was not normal here to kiss on the street. They also understood. I think it is important to respect the culture of the country that you are in. Sometimes it needs a little bit of a feeling and sensitivity but this is the adventure of travelling.

Attraction of Love – 15 Feb 10

Two days ago I wrote that our senses easily get attracted to material and we start accumulating all different kinds of things. I said that material and love are both unlimited and I think in this way, too, they are similar: we get attracted by material and our senses also get attracted to love.

We always have the wish to have love, to experience love and to give love. And we are in the same way drawn towards God, who is also unlimited. Enjoying love with our senses is beautiful and being unsatisfied in this is great but how do we deal with our senses when they get attracted to material? We need to control them as we know ourselves that it is wrong to buy more and more and more.

You need a good and strong mind if you want to control your senses and realize in that moment that your senses are leading you the wrong way. The problem is that your mind is very quick and loves to change actively and fast. Grab your mind, keep it under control, then it will not get attracted by material that much.

Today is our friend Noemi’s birthday and we all send her much love and blessings towards Germany!

Women: Do not Disrespect your Body by Displaying it or Hiding it – 31 Mar 09

Yesterday I said that women are often displayed like objects in advertisement and the media. But I often see that women want to show their body. Why do they do extra effort to attract someone with their body? Why do they wear this kind of clothes which show more and more of their body? Why should other people like her body, why wouldn’t they respect the woman? Why does the body become a subject of exhibition? Why are they so much focused on the physical beauty?

If any woman is doing extra effort to show her body I feel sorry because they do not respect their body. It will be great when people are attracted to you, give you love and appreciate you not because you have a nice figure and you are showing it. Women should take this responsibility to make people respect the woman, not only the woman’s body. What kind of message are they sending and what kind of mentality do they create? It will happen as it happened: a woman advertises shaving lotion for men. People will see her body instead of the soft feeling and beautiful heart of the woman.

I do not have this attitude about going to the beach and swimming for example. Of course you will put on a bikini or bathing suit but here in this culture you can see often that women go to swim in full clothes instead. That is another exaggeration. What is special in any part of the body? Everybody has the same body parts. You do not need to do extra effort for hiding anything and not for exhibiting, either. Why can’t we just be normal and natural?

From women who do an extra effort to show themselves I often hear the argument ‘It is the freedom of women, women need to be free’. But what kind of freedom is it when you are abusive and disrespectful to your body? You are giving a wrong message and try to attract people by showing your naked body. But my dear, you are more than a body and not only your body. People should love you not because of your body. Your real freedom would be if you did not use your body as a medium to attract people’s attention.

Everybody has a heart and a soul. I consider the body the temple of our soul, in which it lives and we should be very respectful with it. We should not make an exhibition with it and we should not have rules to hide it. Both is not right and if you do one of both, you are disrespecting your body.

Meeting Former Disciples – Not a Guru anymore – 21 Mar 09

I had some visitors here who are very rich people and who formerly were my disciples before my time in the cave, when I was living the life of a guru. They phoned and found out that I am here at the Ashram at the moment, so they came to visit. I only sometimes have this kind of visit because I have no contact with anybody from that time and when I started travelling out of India, the contact got lost with the time.

They still had the memory of me of when I met them the last time and they were very amazed when I told how the cave has changed my life, that I do not see myself as a guru or master anymore and that I do not make any disciples anymore. In that period of my life they were also organizers of my program and they asked me if I did any preaching here and I said no.

I told them that recently somebody was here who gave a proposal. They wanted to organize my program for nine days as I was used to do. They had a budget of five million Rupees. I have to say that in my earlier life fifteen people were travelling with me and the organizers needed a lot of money to organize for us. Here organizers like to show off their money and attract gurus in this way.

I am very happy and feel good that I can say that I do not feel attracted by money. I know many people and especially preachers here who are fascinated by money but I cannot imagine now anymore to live the kind of live that I have been living before 1997. I politely refused this proposal and I said sorry, I don’t do this anymore.

My visitors were also very amazed when they heard that I do not even go to a temple anymore. Vrindavan is a spiritual town and there are so many pilgrims but I do not go to any temple. It is not like this that I cannot go to a temple and swore not to but I just do not need to go to a temple for worshipping. I told them that here is my temple, these children are my God and love is my religion.

Today's food was sponsored by my friend Reinfried from Austria. Thank you! You can click here to see pictures of the lunch. 

Our Ashram in India – a Place for Love – 17 Mar 09

Everybody feels attracted by love. Love has this energy to attract people and if you know a person who has much love for himself and the world around him you will feel well with that person. The same is true for places, too. And this is how our Ashram, a place full of love, attracts people who feel well, safe and comfortable when they are here.

And today two girls were attracted by this atmosphere and while walking in Vrindavan saw our Ashram and came in. They are from New York and only visited Vrindavan for one day. So they spent the afternoon with us here and had dinner at the Ashram, too. The love of this place attracts and we are always happy when lovely people come to visit.

Another lovely person had birthday today: our dear friend Iris. She also sponsored food for the children and we celebrated for her here. We wish you a very happy birthday!
Click here to see pictures of today’s food for a day