From Partners to Friends – is it possible?

In yesterday’s blog post I mentioned that you need distance after breaking up with a partner. I suggested cutting all connections if you feel it is hard for you to separate your feelings from the other one. I got some feedback to that and I wanted to reply to a statement that was given several times in different shapes. People expressed that it would be best if you could become friends after breaking up. Some asked whether exactly this could be possible at all. That is what I want to discuss today: Can you just turn a partnership into a friendship? To say ‘Let’s be friends instead’?

I believe it is very difficult, if not impossible, to go from partnership to friendship. You see the proof if you just ask among your friends and acquaintances who of them has a good friend who was his or her partner some time ago. There won’t be many! And then look at all those fights that formerly married people have in front of courts after a divorce! Unfortunately you see that there is nothing left of the love that they have sworn to each other before. Not enough to call it a friendship and not even enough to say they don’t care about each other. It is all anger and bitterness.

But does that mean it is impossible? No, I cannot say that either.

I believe the reason for breaking up is a big factor in the question whether people can be friends later. Love does not just end in a moment. Actually I believe real love never ends. If two people realize, with love, that they made effort to be together but that they are just not as happy as they wish to be, due to different interests for example or any other reason, I think they can get separate without losing their friendship.

If they had fights however or if one of the two cheated on the other one, there is much bitterness already at the time of breaking up. If one of the two wanted to break up and the other one was still intending to make it work and was shocked by the sudden end, then, too, a friendship is difficult. Love does not end from one day to another but if it gets shaken, if there is a breach of trust, if its base is gone, you will have difficulty keeping it.

After the breakup, the process of separating belongings is another process that can create bad feelings and destroy hopes for a friendship. What belongs to whom? Whatever was common property before has to be distributed now. It is a challenging task that often creates lots of bad feelings. If you are in a long-time relationship, you don’t plan on getting separate anymore and that is how you don’t believe in ‘mine’ or ‘yours’. Everything is ‘ours’, so how to divide this ‘ours’ into ‘mine’ or ‘yours’ now? Things that were bought together, gifts of others, furniture, CDs, books and finally of course the money.

Ah, the money. This is the reason why people end up in front of a court and at that point there is no friendship left. There are claims from one side or the other and any feeling that might be friendly for each other vanishes. My heart goes out in support to those who find themselves in such a situation, still wondering how something that was love could turn out to be so terrible now.

We don’t want to lose hope however and so I wish that whoever finds himself in the situation of a breakup tries to keep the friendship. There are many reasons why you should and common children are the first of these reasons. They should not suffer just because you don’t get along anymore. Don’t fight in front of them but stay friends – as an example for them.

Also if you don’t have children though, please just try to solve it in a peaceful way. If there are too many emotions involved, make a clear distance. Don’t fight and don’t get nasty, please! The other one is someone whom you once loved! If you cannot bring up emotions of a friendship after a bitter breakup or even divorce, try to at least keep it neutral. When you meet by chance, greet the other one. You don’t need to become best friends but one ‘Good Morning’ does not hurt but help!

If you cannot be friends, at least be friendly!