How lots of Sex can become a dry Ritual – 2 Dec 15

In the past two days, I explained you two reasons why open relationships often don't work. Behind both scenarios which I explained, there is one basic reason for failure: people see sex as a technique, an action which is entertainment from which you get a certain thrill – and they forget about love!

There are a lot of people who are fascinated by the idea of open relationships and when they try it, they have lots of sex with lots of different people. They change their partners sometimes so frequently that they don't even remember whom they slept with! The feeling is missing. Then sex is only physical, a ritual to go through, there is no love anymore!

After a while, they start missing something. They realise that they don't have something they were once looking for: the deeper meaning in a connection. The possibility to connect on a level that goes so far deeper than just physical touch can! They miss love.

It cannot be! If sex is only a ritual for you to go through, when it doesn't matter much with whom or even if you select your partners but you change them frequently, you cannot bond in the same way that you bond in a one-on-one relationship. And you cannot share the same feeling that you originally had with that one partner with whom you started this original experiment with each of your sexual partners.

You can share sex, physical contact and a ritual but you cannot share the same affection, feeling and love. Love is the adhesive which keeps you and your partner together. People often think sex is the glue – but in reality it is love.

Sex is important, too, I think! Oh yes, it can intensify so much in a relationship and plays an important role in bringing two human beings really close to each other. But only if there is another connection than just the physical one. You can have an amazing night with someone and even regular sexual experiences which satisfy every physical need you have and still feel like there is missing something.

This something is love. And in my opinion it is impossible to share this deep love and bond with any other person but one!

What to do when you have to be around a negative Person – 4 Nov 15

Two days ago, I have told you about people who are so strongly negative from their inside, that one can just never satisfy them. Yesterday I explained that we try to avoid such situations by finding out before what a person expects from their stay here. It also happens however that such people come to us. How do we deal with them and what can you do when you find yourself around an extremely negative person?

As business owners offering a service, we see it as our responsibility to satisfy our customers. This seems like a rather dry sentence but it is the truth: we offer a stay at our Ashram and we want to make those happy who come to us! It is like an open shop, we also advertise and in general, it is a place for everybody. That’s how we try to make everybody happy.

We try to tackle also those professionally who seem to be always negative. We try to satisfy them, take their feedback, try to fulfill their wishes in every direction we can. Those who are negative however, may decide to remain negative out of their own wish. If we realize that it is simply not possible to satisfy them, that they would have to bring a change inside themselves to be happy, we change the strategy.

Obviously, it depends on your relation to the other person whether you need to even make this much effort to satisfy him or her. If you cannot avoid being with such a person, try to avoid confrontation. Avoid the situations in which the other one gets very upset. Listen to what they say and agree wherever you do. If you don’t, you don’t need to loudly object. Simply listen – only tell your opinion if you really have to. You already know that they will bring negativity into everything, so just take it easy and let them say what they want!

Of course you can say that communication reduces automatically in this way. You know that nothing positive will come out if you ask anything, so you are even afraid of asking the other one how he or she is. You cut down asking but in order to just keep a minimum of happiness and satisfaction, as much as is somehow possible, you will keep saying good morning, good evening and further basic communication.

Even then, the other one can find something to regret or be unhappy about. Such people can get sad even just due to the fact that others are happy. It might be an opportunity for them to be happy as well – but instead of accepting it, they find it a chance to regret that others are happy.

As I said, you just cannot help them be happy. You just need to accept the situation as it is and take it easy. It has happened before that you met such people and I am sure it will happen in the future as well. For some time, your ways are crossing but there will someday be an end as well!

It is another chance to practice accepting others as they are – without making yourself crazy about it!

Try your best to avoid negative People – 3 Nov 15

Yesterday I described people who are actually impossible to satisfy because they are tremendously negative on the inside. In this way, they often make themselves and the ones around them unhappy. As I told you, we have been in the situation that we had such negative people at the Ashram but it actually happens rarely. Why? Because we try to find out in emailing already whether we can satisfy the person coming to us or not.

The normal way of communication by anybody wanting to come to the Ashram is usually by email. We get inquiries for people wanting to stay with us and we answer them, offering our retreats and journeys. In their emails, people usually already express what they are looking for and expecting and if not, we ask them clearly. We also clearly say who we are, that we don’t believe in god or any religion, that we don’t have any guru and are very free without certain times when you have to get up or go to bed for example.

This already filters the regular pilgrim who wants to come to Vrindavan for practicing his devotion. It filters anybody who is looking for a guru to tell him what he should do. That all is people who have a certain expectation but what about those who are just negative but looking for something that could help them find satisfaction?

Well, you have to read emails with care. Wait, maybe not so much reading with care – you have to pay attention to the feeling you get while reading the emails. Sometimes it is not fully clear but often you will get a lot of doubtful questions with which the person is indirectly already criticizing you before even having met you in person or seen what you do.

If you already have the feeling that someone is being unnecessarily negative while he or she is still thousands of miles away, if you already feel like you have to defend yourself and would rather go back to your normal, peaceful work instead of starting an argument, you know this person is not the right one to spend time with. Not the right one to invite to your home for living there several weeks at a time, being quite close in this way physically, too!

We try our best to say no to any case like this. We try to scan, watching our feelings during our email conversations and checking whether we believe it will be difficult or easy to have that person at our Ashram. We know we cannot satisfy everybody. That is a fact of life you have to accept. But we try not to make it difficult on us by inviting those people whom nobody can satisfy!

In spite of all this, it is sometimes not possible to read all of this out of an email. One gets better at it and so it happens rarely now that we have someone like this at the Ashram but it is part of the game that this also happens.

So what to do if you find yourself together with such a negative person? That’s something I want to write more about tomorrow.

When nothing ever can be right, Satisfaction has to come from inside – 2 Nov 15

Yesterday I started writing a little bit about a positive or negative attitude and how it can – or cannot – influence your life. Have you ever had this kind of person in your life who is so utterly negative that he or she just seems to never be able to be satisfied? Well, I have several times and I tell you that you can do whatever you want to help this person but not ever satisfy him or her – because that has to come from inside!

As such people are, by nature, looking for something else in their lives that may give them satisfaction, I have had several of them in individual counselling sessions and we also had some as visitors at our Ashram from time to time. Anybody who is running a business that includes service knows that these are among the most difficult customers!

Now this absolutely doesn’t mean that these people cannot be lovely beings, that they are mean or that they actually hold a grudge against you or think you are not a good person! There could be those people as well, of course, but mostly I have seen that this is not really the case! They cannot help it, they are just like this inside, are used to complaining, finding negative in everything and never getting the feeling of satisfaction and happiness!

Once we had an Australian woman for example who was always looking for something negative in her daily life here. We already noticed that upon her arrival. I was the first one to greet her, simply because I was outside the moment her car arrived at the Ashram. While most people are happy to arrive after a long journey and looking forward to what they will discover, she didn’t seem to be one of them from the first moment on – I saw that on her face in that very moment!

Now I can tell you that we did everything we could to make her happy – but didn’t succeed. From arranging hygiene products from the market when she couldn’t find the shop to completely changing her retreat program, we tried everything.

I am not going to go into the details of the issues she had but you can imagine – they were not important, never had bothered another guest and were many times simply different from her home country and due to this not right for her.

The interesting point is however that it was not India that was the problem for her and similarly for other such people! It is this nature or characteristic of not wanting to be happy. There is nothing on the outside which can fix this. You can go to the most beautiful of all places, if you want to see bad there, you will! You can bring the best food, clothes, accessories or company – it will never be good.

If you find yourself in this description, please know that you are the one who can change yourself and make yourself happy! I can only imagine how unhappy you must sometimes feel because it is just never right. You are a beautiful person, the people and happenings around you are not all bad either. See that and realize that you can change from inside! It may be a long and sometimes difficult way but you can make it!

I am happy in my life and I love seeing things in a positive light. Please join me at this attitude. In the next days, I will tell you what you can do if you are around such people – and what we do to avoid situations like these.

Always be where you are needed – and leave when you are not – 10 Jul 12

When I wrote about conversion to Hinduism last week, I mentioned that I could not understand how people would like to join a religion that so obviously does not want to have any newly converted members. Why would you like to go to a place where you are not wanted? There is a principle in life which I believe is not a bad one: you should be where you are needed.

If you feel that you are not needed at a certain place, leave it. If you have the feeling that you are needed more at another place, you should shift there. This can happen in the relation to the people around you, people whom you call friends but with whom you have the feeling that they don’t really need you. If you move on and they did not need you, they will be fine.

It is not only good for your surrounding if you follow this principle, it is also good for you. The feeling of being needed is psychologically very necessary for your mental health. It gives you satisfaction to see that whatever you do has an effect and is necessary for someone.

In a relationship and in a friendship problems arise when one partner or friend feels the other one doesn’t need him anymore. In love it is necessary that you have the feeling the other one wants you. Never give your partner the feeling he is unwanted or not needed. If you give the other one the feeling that he is needed, he will have the pride that he is worth something to you.

Your feeling of being necessary should not however depend on another person not being able to live without you or to do even small works without you – that would create problems. That could give you a feeling of stress when you are the one who is responsible while the other one relies on you.

No, that would not be a healthy feeling of being needed. The right feeling is a feeling of the heart, a feeling that the other one wants you to be there, not necessarily only for what you do but just for who you are.

You do not make anybody dependent or handicapped by making yourself necessary. The whole concept of charity means that you help the needy. The needy are those who need you and you can be there for them with whatever you have – with your pocket, with your knowledge, with your physical effort or with your love.

If this feeling is not there, if there is no such connection that makes you feel wanted and needed, as a person at the place where you are, there is no point in staying there.

One more thing needs to be said here: never leave those who need you. I am not talking only in geographical terms. Leaving means much more than physically changing your place.

Do what you Like – and Get Success – 7 Aug 10

I would like to write a little bit more about the idea that everybody could find a profession and job that he likes.

In Germany Ramona explained me the school system there: after primary school, there are three kind of branches of school which have different length. One finishes after eight years and many of the children then make an apprenticeship in handicrafts, at a bakery or a hairdresser for example. The second one finishes after ten years and many of these teenagers become clerks or work in administration or also do different apprenticeships. The third one is the longest, for twelve years, and after that many young adults go to university and college to have an academic career. Of course there is a possibility for other ways, too, and in each school you can select already in a way which direction you would like to go or what you would like to learn but that was the main and rough structure as it was explained to me.

So that seems to be the right idea but it we still have to find the right way of implementation because still there are so many people who are not satisfied. I tell you this from Germany because I know it from there but I have heard the same complaint in other countries, too and think it is a worldwide problem.

In my opinion a person who wants to dance and teach dancing to others does not need to learn high mathematics. Of course it is necessary to know the basics and it is always good to have general knowledge but only those people should go deep in this who really enjoy it. I know that there are people who enjoy the numbers just in the same way as there are people who like to teach sports and others who like it when things get clean. People who love to sit in front of a microscope the whole day and make discoveries of little beings that nobody else sees should also not have to be forced to learn singing, it is just not necessary!

We need to find a way that everybody can do that what he likes. And it starts with you! Make a beginning, find out what you want and have the courage to go that way. I can tell you that you will be most successful if you do something that you like.
 

Cheating starts with a feeling – 29 Apr 10

As a reply on yesterday’s diary I received a question asking what exactly I think what cheating on a partner is.

Some people say they would never indulge in sexual activities, so they are not cheating, but also with these words you need to think about where that starts. Have you set any limits to your activities? Do you only kiss, not more? If you try to argue like that, I need to say that you are cheating yourself, too, not only the other one. You did not ask your partner but you make this rule yourself: holding hands is fine. But simply the fact that you put up this rule shows that you feel yourself that you should not actually be doing that.

And with which feeling are you holding hands? Like brother and sister or like lovers? If you are holding hands like brother and sister, it is fully fine, but if you are holding hands like lovers¸ cheating already happened. It is about the feeling you have when you touch somebody, when you look at someone. Are you lying to yourself?
When you are not with your partner and you felt attraction with another woman or another man, then you need to see what you did. Did you act? And did you enjoy that? It is not a physical act of cheating, it is about the feeling with which you touched the other person’s hand, arm, lips or other body parts. It is your act and how much satisfaction you get from it. Then a small touch by the hand can already be cheating.

I am trying to make clear that I am not conservatively saying that you should not get close to other men or women. You are able to feel the difference yourself: are you touching the other woman like you would touch your mother or sister or more as you would touch your partner or lover? A kiss for a mother is very different from a kiss of attraction. Do not cheat yourself and don’t cheat others, open your eyes, talk, try to find a solution but don’t do this.
 

We arrived in Tornesch and were happily welcomed by Regina, Jens and Celina.  

Do not let your Ego destroy your Friendships – 2 Jun 09

Yesterday I was writing about ego in between friends. Unfortunately here in the west I see too many times that ego becomes bigger than any friendship, relation or love. When ego and friendship clash, many even accept the pain of breaking and separation instead of leaving their ego. Sometimes I really wonder why it is so much like this here.

As you know I am the witness of two cultures. It seems this material-oriented society is built on the base of ego. Somehow people in the eastern culture that I see, seem softer. They are more humble and can be happy and satisfied in small things. Their needs are smaller. When I compare this to here, people here have bigger needs, which makes it very hard for them to be satisfied. Sometimes I think that this can also be a reason why the level of ego is so high that they cannot even satisfy that.

We had a very nice Darshan today here in Essen.

Prostitution Business – Trying to Buy and Sell Love? – 20 Mar 09

Once a prostitute came for a healing session. She said ‘Swami Ji, I started this work quite early and since ten years I am earning my money with it. I will not give this kind of excuse that I was forced to do this work because it is not true. I can accept and admit that I do enjoy my work. I take it like any other profession involving physical work. I believe in God and I feel myself that I am spiritual. And this is how I had the idea to have a healing session with you. I don’t know what you will be thinking of me and my profession but I wanted to experience this energy work, because I never had a healing before.’

I said to her ‘I appreciate your openness, acceptance and honesty. I am not thinking anything wrong about you but I am thinking about your customers.’ Even though I know that it works, I am wondering how it can work. What kind of enjoyment and satisfaction do people get from sex when they buy it? I have said before, too, that sex is not only physical. It is more about feelings than about the physical aspect. And of course with money you can hire a body but not feelings. I know that it works for some people and I have read that this is the oldest profession on this earth but I really don’t understand how the body can even react without feelings.

In the last days I was writing about love and sex in the diary and I said that making of love is not necessarily about sex and sexual feelings. But I want to say that love can be without sex but sex has to be with love. Once I talked with one of my friends about this and he said: ‘People go to a prostitute and pay for giving love.’ He meant that they are not getting any love. They pay for giving love. Actually I do not see any giving or getting of love in this business. I do not really feel that somebody goes there to give love. Of course he doesn’t go to get love, either. He cannot, it is not possible to buy love from money. But neither is he going there to give love. I can maybe say that he is going there to satisfy his ego in the illusion in which he thinks that he can buy satisfaction from money. But satisfaction is that jewel, just like love, which you cannot buy with money.

Do not Make Life Complicated for Yourself – 31 Jan 09

Yesterday I wrote about how things can be smooth and easy but I often see that people make things more complicated than they are. It could be very simple and easy but they like to make it complicated. When something is easy it doesn’t seem to be enough fun because it is too simple for them. Only if things are complicated and difficult their ego gets satisfied because they managed something difficult. So for their ego they make things difficult which could be so easy.

They present things as complicated so that they can say afterwards that they did such a great job. They want to impress the person in front of them by showing how complicated it was to achieve it. This is how they create complication for themselves and others. They always attract complicated energy because they are giving energy to complication. They attract complication in each step that they do in their life. A job which could be very easy becomes complicated either because they make it difficult or because they attracted this complication. Don’t make your life difficult by this thinking when it can be just easy! Think easy, smooth and positive.

Today after dinner I really wanted to eat some ice cream so Sonja went with us to the next supermarket and we were looking for coffee ice cream but we could not find any. I really had a craving for ice cream and asked Sonja if other shops are open until late in the evening. And so we drove another ten kilometers and as I said that you can get everything if you have a strong wish and think positive, we found four different kinds of coffee ice cream. I don’t like coffee but I like coffee ice cream. It has great smell and taste.