Ask a stupid Question, get a stupid Answer – 19 Nov 12

Yesterday I read some funny lines in Hindi which I really enjoyed and had to laugh about. I read it out to Ramona and we both were laughing which made Apra laugh – who had no other reason to laugh than the fact that we laughed. So I thought I share the laugh with you, too!

It is about people asking stupid questions… and what you could answer.

In the cinema you meet a friend who asks: “Hi, what are you doing here?”
Perfect answer: “Oh, I bought tickets and want to sell them on the black market – would like some?”

In the bus, a big, overweight woman steps on your foot and asks: “Oh, I hope you did not get hurt?”
Perfect answer: “No aunty, it was fun, do it again!”

In the middle of the night the phone rings, you pick up and the caller asks: “Were you sleeping?”
Perfect answer: “No, I just lie around and practice dying!”

Someone sees you with short hair and asks: “Did you get your hair cut?”
Perfect answer: “I don’t know, man, I fell asleep in night and when I got up, my hair had gone back in again!”

Someone calls you on your landline phone and asks: “Where are you?”
Perfect answer: “I am shopping – the phone is hanging around my neck!”

When you come in, taking off hat, gloves and scarves and someone asks: “Is it cold outside?”
Perfect answer: “No, that’s my beach outfit!”

Someone sees you washing your car and asks: “Ah, you are washing your car today?”
Perfect answer: “No, just watering it, I heard it would make it grow!”

A new acquaintance asks you: “Where did you get that accent?”
Perfect answer: “It was a ‘buy one get one free’ at the supermarket!”

Someone asks you when you are out with your children: “Oh, are these your children?”
Perfect answer: “No, my parents, they shrunk in their old age!”

The Funeral of A Stingy Man – 3 Dec 10

I remember a joke from my childhood in India which I would like to share with you.

Once there was a rich and stingy man. He had worked his whole life and earned money but never spent more than necessary. When the time of his death approached, his three sons were sitting around his bed, talking about his life and also about his upcoming funeral. The youngest son said ‘How are we going to take him to the funeral place? I can arrange a car for that time.’ The middle son said ‘But renting a car would be expensive! He would not like us to spend that much money! I think we should take a rickshaw, that would be cheaper.’ The oldest son objected ‘No, that is too expensive, too. We have two bicycles at home, we can tie him onto them and drive him in this way. I go and buy the rope.’ At this moment their father suddenly opened his eyes, glared at them and said ‘Oh, you know what, leave it. I am not dead yet, I walk!’

I guess he would not be able to even imagine how expensive a funeral can be in Germany!

Yesterday evening Purnendu and Yashendu left Wiesbaden and took their flight back to Vrindavan. At the time that they arrived there in the morning, Ramona and I also started our journey from Wiesbaden to go to Bocholt. We will spend a few days with Annick, HC and their family before moving on to Tornesch and Lüneburg. Of course I will give healing sessions there and we will have a Darshan on Sunday, too, but it is also just beautiful to be with our friends. Especially in this time before Christmas, when it is cold outside and warm and cozy inside, we will enjoy our time here.

Everybody Stupid but Me – 6 Oct 10

Humans seem to have a special characteristic trait which I notice again and again but of which I am not sure if it helps humankind to survive or why exactly nature created it. Why is it that everybody seems to think the people around him are at least a little bit stupid?

Teachers think their students are stupid while the students believe they themselves are clever and their teachers are stupid. Employers think their employees are stupid and their employees themselves believe that their employers are stupid. You can even see it in children! Their parents think – in a loving way – that their children are still stupid, they need to learn but look at that child and how it looks at the parent who just told him off for not listening or for running across the street. Don’t you think that child has a thought in its mind ‘I saw that car and I know it was still very far away…’. Everybody believes he knows everything and everything better. So tell me, does nature want to save us from our own stupidity by convincing us that we are the most clever ones on earth?

I remember a joke related to this topic:

Two business men who both run their own companies have a talk. One of them says ‘Oh, my employees are just stupid! And most of all my personal assistant! Wait, I will show it to you!’ He calls his assistant into the room, hands him a ten-dollar note and says ‘Go and buy a red Mercedes from the car dealer down the road.’ The assistant takes the money and leaves. ‘You see, he did not even object, he thinks he can buy a Mercedes in ten Dollar!’

They both laugh but then the second business man says ‘This is nothing compared to my assistant!’ He calls him and gives his order ‘Go to my home and ask my wife if I am home already.’ ‘Yes Sir,’ the assistant says and leaves. ‘You see, I am sitting here but he will go and ask my wife if I am there!’ the business man laughs.

Down on the street, the two assistants meet. The first one shows his ten-Dollar note and says ‘See, I told you my boss is stupid! He thinks I could buy him a Mercedes in 10 Dollar!’ The other one objects ‘But have a look at my boss! He is sitting in there and I have to run to his wife to ask if he is there! Really, doesn’t he see, there is a phone on the table, just call her and ask!’

Guide to being a successful Guru – 21 June 10

Somebody asked me what you needed to become a guru. What is the qualification? I answered ‘Nowadays, actually nothing.’ and we started laughing. I told her that it was a name or an attribute that people gave to someone to honour him for his knowledge and wisdom. Of course, usually this meant that this person had studied a lot, had done much effort for his knowledge and to be at the point where he or she is now and additionally has gained experience, too.

I would like to repeat again that when I am making fun of ‘modern’ gurus, I do not intend to say that there has never been a great soul who should be honoured with this title. There were, there are and there will be great people whose words are full of wisdom and whose actions show that they live what they preach.

I can imagine however that a book for modern gurus might look like this:

How to Get Started with your Guru-Business – A Modern Guru’s Guide to Success

Every good guru’s business starts with a nicely chosen spiritual name. Anything that sounds like Sanskrit is fine. Additionally you need to take care of your get-up. A complete makeover of style and clothes is probably necessary. Preferred colours are saffron, orange and white. Hair needs to be long, a beard is helpful but optional, you can achieve your goals without, too. A big Rudraksh-Mala completes the outfit.

Once your outer appearance is done, start working on the background. Write down your spiritual biography. It doesn’t have to be fully true but should be close to the vitae of your worldly alter ego so that you don’t get confused. If you are under 30, feel free to subtract five to ten years from your age. If you are older than 30, add up to 20 years. And don’t worry, people will believe you look older than you are because of your extraordinarily fast development or they will think you look younger than you are because of your high energy. Words as ‘At this age I was guided to…’ and ‘A vision came upon me of…’ can underline the importance of your spiritual personality, so don’t forget to use them frequently.

Watch some videos or listen to some recordings of popular spiritual lectures, mix them together and thus create two or three speeches of approximately half an hour. This should be enough to get you started, at a later stage you can extend your repertoire.

Working on your skills of speech can be necessary though. However here, too, there are some basic tricks to get you started: Prepare at least one wise comment for each topic and situation that you can think of. Even questions to simple things as using the toilet have to be answered with pearls of wisdom. If explanations are required, make them mysterious and refer to past lives as well as other worlds and beings.

The next step is to gather a primary amount of disciples. Five to ten are enough for the beginning. Ask some of your friends, neighbours or, if necessary, find an unemployed person and pay a basic amount for washing your feet, listening to your lectures and promoting your acts of wisdom and miracles. Tell them to work on increasing the number of followers.

You can then begin charging money for your speeches, rituals or other activities. Always remember: even if you have millions of dollars in your account, you need to appear detached from the material world!

Now you are prepared and with these basic steps you can successfully start your guru-business. For tips on how to treat the question of celibacy, how to make miracles look realistic and how to keep former disciples from filing law-suits against you, buy and read our guide ‘Keeping up Success as a Guru – Complications and Solutions’.

How to truly Predict the Future – 20 June 10

When I wrote yesterday’s diary entry, I also remembered a joke about gurus and their predictions but it is difficult to translate it into English. I will try my best anyway. A pregnant woman comes to her guru and asks ‘Is it a boy or a girl?’ The guru looked at her and then answered with these Hindi words ‘Ladka na ladki.’

It is even difficult to write the Hindi pronunciation in English. ‘Ladka’ means boy. ‘Na’ can mean not, no and neither nor. ‘Ladki’ means girl. And now it depends on how you say the sentence and it can have three different meanings: ‘Boy, not girl.’, ‘Boy not, girl!’ and ‘Neither boy, nor girl.’

You see how clever this guru put his answer! No matter how the parents understood it and no matter what will happen, his sentence will be right. Of course he will predict the future! And of course each of these gurus has 360 degree vision, can walk over water, materialize gold and ashes depending on the wealth of their disciples and make statues bleed.

A Potato Joke – 6 Feb 10

My friend Michael sent me a joke about which I had to laugh. I also remembered that I had heard the joke quite a while ago but in a slightly different way:

Once, a farmer and his wife decided to grow potatoes on one of their fields which had been lying fallow for a long time. They had a small farm and no helpers, they did everything on their own. However when they went out onto the field to dig it over, they realized that it was too much work and very hard work for the two of them. Longingly they looked over to their neighbor’s field where the neighbor’s five young and strong sons were working together on the field. Not too far away the neighbor himself was standing on his field watching his sons.

When seeing this, the clever woman had an idea. Knowing that their neighbor was listening, she leaned forward to her husband and – louder than necessary for him to hear her – she said: “I am sure this is the field where your grandfather buried the gold! Now we just have to dig for it and then we will be rich!” On their way back to their house they noticed how their neighbor hurried towards his sons.

The next morning, when they came back to the field they saw that it had been nicely dug over, just like plowed and they could finally start planting their potatoes. Their neighbor, tired from a whole night of digging and angry about the woman’s trick was sitting on his own field asking himself how he could have been so credulous.

Cheeese – Why are you not smiling? – 9 Oct 09

For the new design of the website and also for the profiles of the children, Ramona took pictures of many people. She noticed and then I also realized that Indian people, when they see that someone takes a picture of them, become very serious. One minute they are joking and the next minute they look very seriously into the camera. 

Western people on the contrary say ‘Cheese’ and smile or laugh and try to look as happy as possible. I really laughed about this and we are always joking about it now. Then I thought a little bit about why it is like this.

Usually people in the west are very serious and suddenly, when they see a camera, they have a big smile on their faces. And in India it is the other way around! It is about the way that people want to be seen and how they want to present themselves. In the west every presentation is done with a smile because it makes a better impression there. And in India people want to show that they are very serious. So in the west I think people need to learn not only to smile on photos but also in their lives. And people here have to learn to smile in photos, too!

We are now waiting for our friends who will arrive tomorrow at the Ashram. Thomas, Iris, Regina, Jens, Celina and Helga will all arrive on the same date and we are looking forward to welcome them.

Doomsday and the End of the World – 3 Sep 09

Today during dinner we had to laugh because we remembered an email that we received last month. The email came from a woman saying that she herself had received an email from a very important enlightened person with a very important message. It was written there in capital letters: ‘Our economy is in a crisis and precisely in three months the system will fully crash. Prepare for this time! No supermarket will be open to sell anything anymore. So buy as many food cans and tins as you can and store water in your basement.’

Of course we never forward this kind of message and we also don’t expect that people forward mass mails to us. We were about to delete that message when Ramona scrolled down and saw that it had been forwarded not only once but altogether about 25 times. When she looked further down she started laughing: that day was July and the date that the email was sent out for the first time was in December 2008!

According to that email we had missed the collapse of all supermarkets but we were still warned to buy as much as we could. We laughed today again about it. There are many people who nowadays start growing their own vegetables again and I love it. But not because of fear that they would not be able anymore if the supermarkets stopped selling food but simply because it brings them back to nature.

It makes you aware again that everything has a process of growing and that you can be thankful for what you eat because nature provides you with it. I don’t like it if people spread fear. I want to spread trust and love. Love nature and nature will love you.

A Real German Guru – 15 May 09

Today after dinner we were all sitting together and talking. Michael asked about one topic which I wrote once in the diary. He read that I refused money because I did not want to go back into the guru role. Now I am here so he wanted to talk with me about it. He said ‘Please inform them about a German guru, I would love to play this role for 10 million rupees. If it is only for one time, it is an exception.’

He suggested me that I could do this once as an exception and use the money for the children charity projects. We were laughing a lot about this idea. It is wonderful with him because we can really laugh loudly and sometimes we laugh so much that our bellies ache. We both are busy the whole day, he has clients and beside my healing sessions I also work with his patients. But after that at the dinner table we really enjoy. Since eight years I am coming to this house and we work and spend nice evenings laughing, eating ice-cream and making jokes.