Today I will write about an issue which seems at first crystal clear but which has created problems and issues for people around the world for centuries: infidelity in a relationship. When one partner cheats on the other. Or even both on each other. I believe it can only happen if love is missing. Or at least a certain kind of love!
As I said, it seems very clear: cheating is bad and wrong. You should not do that, you are in a relationship, you have made an unspoken vow to keep the other one happy and also not to sleep with anybody else! So no, you don’t go and sleep with others and hurt the one you love.
But why does it happen nevertheless? Why would someone go and search closeness to a completely different person instead? I believe that means love is missing. You would not get to the point to do this to the one you love!
What about those who agree on polygamy within their relationship? They know and verbally agree that the other one can go and have sex with someone else. They date others, they sleep with others and still keep a relationship.
I have said many times that in my opinion, this kind of relationship can never work longtime. Now I say even more: I think in this kind of open and polygamous relationship there can never be that kind of love, that passion and intimacy which is in a one-on-one relationship with just one partner, in between two lovers! Many times the idea to have an open relationship comes exactly from this point: you are feeling an earning for more, there is not enough of that love and passion but you don’t want to lose that anchor. You want to have the security while finding the thrill of sex in other places.
Now don’t get me wrong: when I say love is missing in both cases, it doesn’t mean that there is no love at all. No, there probably is – but I think it may be more like a love of siblings, a love for the security that the other one gives you just by always being there, a love for the feeling that there is someone when you don’t find anybody else.
However you cannot have the feelings you have among two partners if you have sex with four others, too! You just cannot give all sex partners the feeling to be special, to be the only one who gets that deep, that far and that close to you!
Still, in all cases, I believe cheating is wrong. If you feel like something is missing, please either end your relationship or tell your partner about it in order to plan for an open relationship. If this is what makes you happy, it is great. Just don’t cheat on your partner and make him unhappy! Make your life more enjoyable, that is definitely important, but not by making another person sad and breaking his or her trust!
Love is an important topic in my life. It has always been. I actually believe a lot of people should make love more important in their own lives because it would help them. Contrary to common belief among those who do make love a topic – which is mostly people in the spiritual scene – I believe there is no real opposite to love, one which cannot be there if love is there.
Opposites normally cannot exist together with each other, right? A person cannot be tall and small at the same time. Temperature cannot be cold and hot at the same time. Your hair cannot be long and short at the same time. In the same way, people think that hate or even fear are the opposites of love. Several people have told me: ‘where there is love, there cannot be hate’ or ‘if you love, there is no space for fear’. I don’t think these two statements are true.
It is my personal experience that love can coexist with every other feeling possible! Love can exist together with illusion, it can exist with obsession. Love can even exist with dislike, ignorance or indifference.
You may have seen all of these above but you cannot imagine love together with hatred or fear?
Have you really never seen a love-hate relationship? Have you never been in the situation that someone you actually love did something really bad to you? It doesn’t matter for how short that time frame was but when you were angry and hurt, was there not also some hatred as well? And for that moment, do you think your love stopped? How could this happen? No, I think, in that moment you had both inside you.
In the same way, I believe it happens with fear. It can both be there at the same time. You can love but at the same time be afraid of what will happen if you open up too much. Will you get hurt again? Will your precious feeling be taken advantage of? This won’t keep you from loving but you cannot deny that there is fear as well – at the same time!
So it is very simple: as great as I believe love is, there can also be fear or hate along with it. And these, too, are just natural emotions that we can accept as a part of who we are!
Recently someone asked me for my advice in a personal matter: he worked hard and had long working days. When he came home from work, he was tired after a whole day’s work with lots of stress. He either had no time or, if he had time, he was too tired for having sex! That however left his wife unsatisfied and unhappy. What should he do?
First of all, it is a good thing you are turning to people for advice because it is about time! Once the unhappiness in your relation reaches a level where loud complains start and one partner resents the other, you have to rethink your lifestyle! And ideally make a few bigger changes as well!
Secondly, I hope not only your wife is missing bedtime fun but you, too!
Once you are married, there is someone in your life who has certain expectations of you, and rightfully so! I am not talking monetary expectations here! To be fully clear, I am not even talking only about physical expectations! Actually, this problem is not really about sex. It is about emotions and love. As your partner in love, your wife has a certain right to your heart and your time!
You decide: what is important to you? Are you living for your work or do you work for a living? Are you enjoying your work more than the time with your wife?
Don’t get me wrong, you should enjoy your work. There should however always be more joy in the time that you share with your family or partner. If it was not possible for you to share your heart in this way, you should have chosen another way of life!
A lot of people would say ‘I am doing all of this hard work for them, my family, for their future and for the children!’ Especially when you have children, you should realize that you cannot enjoy your time like this. If you work less, earn a bit less but spend some more time together, you will actually have a better life, I promise!
If you continue in this way, you and your partner will slowly get further apart from each other. You choose now whether you want to take more interest in being together and loving each other or more interest in work. If you choose work and she find something else, another interest that she wants to invest her time into, you are not in a position to complain!
Don’t expect your wife to be sitting at home, keeping the house clean and waiting forever for you to come and spend time with her. Or sleep with her – although sex is in this case more a symbol of your closeness. It is the physical expression of the love you have for each other. And right now, your work is slowly killing it.
You need to have time for your loved ones in daily life and then take out time for real weekends and holidays as well. Live your life!
In my blog entries about western women who come to India to meet the men they have been chatting with as well as in my blog entry directed to exactly these men who were just fooling around, I mentioned that there can as well be very different situations with different individuals. There is, for example, a slight chance that this Indian man is actually serious as well. I have reserved today’s blog entry for this possibility, with just some thoughts that you should have if you really want to go down this path.
First of all, congratulations to both of you for having found someone to love on the other side of the world with the help of modern media! I wish you all the best for your future. At the same time, I want to recommend you to prepare yourself well before committing yourself seriously. Again, I am speaking of experiences with people who have been in this situation, with couples of two different countries and cultures.
The person you have got to know over written words or maybe even phone and video conversations is most probably thinking in very different patterns than you yourself are. Of course, men and women in your own country are all different, too, but here we are adding the big difference of culture on top. And it may not be easy to adopt this person in your life or completely merging yourself in this other person’s life in the other country. There are going to be difficulties that you may not imagine now, when it is all fresh. That’s why I suggest you to prepare so that these issues don’t become huge problems.
Having a conversation online – no matter in which form – is one thing but actually being with the other person, living together on a smaller space, is on quite another level. That’s why we get to the point where all these western women are really trying to get: you have to meet in one of the two countries and actually get to know each other personally!
Choose one of the two countries – but because of visa restrictions, it mostly is India that is easier to travel to for the woman than the western country for the Indian man. You can choose the setting, which of course depends on the individual situation. A holiday in another part of India, neutral grounds so to speak, could be a good idea. She may want to avoid the maybe overwhelming experience of a joint family home and he may want to avoid giving a wrong message to exactly this family.
You will need to talk and talk and talk to make things clear. Don’t fear to go in detail and just maybe talk at the example of others – do you like this, do you like that? Be clear with what you expect, what is a must and what doesn’t work at all for you!
Ladies, get out all the prejudices and clichés that you have heard about India and place them on the table. Many of them are true and your future partner should voice his opinion, so that you understand his view on it – and see whether there are any red flags for you!
Guys, do the same with everything you heard about western women, too, about their lifestyle and their choices. Ask what you always wanted to ask and hold nothing back – you have to understand this woman if you want to love her for the rest of your life!
I wish you that you get to a common point, that you have more in common than just your love for each other and that this will be just the start of a wonderful relationship!
As I have seen a lot of interest in this topic, I will write in detail about the issues and questions that you should talk about next week.
I have described the disappointment of many western women which we have witnessed over time and their situation, having got to know an Indian man online, fallen in love and now traveling to India to meet him. I have been directing my words to these women in the past two days but today I would like to write my blog entry for the Indian men who are at the base of this situation.
Again, my words are based on experiences which we have had here with women in exactly those situations.
My dear Indian friends, I have absolutely no problem if you get in touch with my friends over social networks. If they respond and you develop a friendship, have some talk and have intercultural exchange, I am very happy for both of you! Remember however that there is a very high chance for the women whom you are contacting in this way to contact me, ask me and talk about your conversations with me.
If I then get to know that you have been flirting with them and they are thinking to come to India and meet you, I will always ask them to be careful, as I have just expressed in my two previous blog entries. Because I know that they are serious but you might not be.
I want to say this really clear: this woman is really about to fall in love over the internet with a far-away person and that person is you! She honestly believes what you are saying and she trusts your sweet words. I am always in favour of love and everybody has the freedom to choose which ways they go and search love on – but she has fallen in love with you and I have a big doubt that you are as serious about your own words as she is!
Why do you do this kind of joke with someone’s feelings? Maybe you honestly didn’t think that the other party is taking your flirt serious. Maybe you thought she will be chatting with ten other guys like you, just as you are chatting with ten other women as well. Maybe you have had such talk with some Indian girls in the anonymity of the World Wide Web and it never went anywhere to serious. You were both just joking around, enjoying that you are able to write about sex. Anyway, you cannot talk about it nor do it because it is not a part of this culture. Neither you nor that girl would actually ever have thought of meeting each other, even if you talked about it. Even if you dreamt of having sex with each other.
I tell you something: talking to a western woman is different. Her culture is different. She thinks differently and she is most probably not suffering from suppressed sexuality as you are! That’s how she doesn’t need to have such talks without actions behind. She is serious because she is at a point in life where she really wants to find something proper, steady and for a long time! She can stand here, in India, in front of your doorstep at any point of time, demanding of you to do all the things you promised online!
Did this scare you? Good! Because if you get scared, it means you were not serious and if you are not serious, you should STOP THIS NOW! You are about to hurt another person’s feelings. Make it clear that you are just fooling around, make it clear that you will marry the woman your parents will choose for you in a few years or that you are actually already married and that you just would like to have a talk. That is fine and I promise you that most women won’t mind still talking to you, as a friend – as long as you don’t try to cheat them and make fake promises again!
Yesterday I started writing about a very important topic: western women who fall in love with Indian men online and then come to India to meet them, hoping to have found the partner of their lives. While I am really always in favour of a positive attitude and daring to follow one’s feelings, I also recommend being careful in this case. We have just seen so many disappointments that I feel like trying to explain why this happens once more. Today I will direct my words to these western women again but tomorrow I will also write a few lines for the Indian men responsible for the disappointment.
I completely understand your situation. You are at an age where you have seen and tried a lot when it comes to relationships. You have had your share of love, sex and break-ups. Now you are mature, you know what you want and that is something serious, something profound and solid.
Maybe you have also heard of Indian culture and have heard good things about guys not fooling around and not having a lot of girlfriends but being steady in long-term relationships. Statistically, this may be true. You may however face a bitter reality when you actually come to India.
The man whom you have been chatting with is a young guy with little to no experience with women who just wants to have some fun before his parents will decide on a girl for him to marry in a few years. Now there is the opportunity to have this fun with a western woman, which primarily means to him ‘white skin and easy target’.
This may seem harsh and again I agree that there can be different cases but we have made this experience and have also seen such Indian men, not only the western women in this situation. For many men it is nothing more than that. They know you are sitting far away in another country, the chances are small that you will actually fly over and search for him. And they actually don’t think that it is that serious for you, either!
You are right that young men here in India don’t jump from one relationship to the other. Mostly because they don’t have any relationship at all! The culture is not open for any kind of relationship before marriage, for many families it is a scandal if their unmarried child has a partner and thus most probably sex before marriage! Boys get taught this but much more than that the girls! Most girls are very careful not to get a bad reputation by chatting about love with boys.
That brings you into the game: you are from one of those countries of which people think that they have ‘an open sex culture’. While it is correct that in your country people easily have sex and live together as partners in a relationship where you respect each other, many Indians think it is very different. I have been asked ‘So you go to the west, is it really easy to have sex there with anybody?’ and western women have told me how Indian strangers asked them ‘In your country, you have an open sex culture, right?’ They practically think that most westerners simply enjoy sex without attachment – after all, they are not married! They don’t consider that you actually put your feelings in there!
Before you get your hopes up in that direction however, you also have to realize that you are not marriage-material for them! The common Indian plan for life is that the parents arrange a marriage with a young Indian woman of their religion and caste that will bear them children whom they will raise.
Where do you fit in here? For most families, which are to a very big part believers in traditional values, you are not suitable simply by the fact that you are not Indian, not Hindu and not of their caste. Additionally you may already have passed the age that they consider right for getting children! The average Indian is very attached to his family and would not like to disappoint them. Men have left their Indian girlfriends whom they considered their big love of their lives only to please their parents and marry the bride they chose for them. They most probably won’t go through fights with their family in order to be with a foreigner who is not yet so sure herself either.
In the end, one can say that they just want to have fun and are not serious. If you come to India to confront them, they will simply be scared.
That holds true not only for young men! You may also find a married man who can tell you anything, that his wife died or that he is divorced, just to convince you to talk about love and sex with him. His marriage may not be very exciting and he may be spending a lot of time apart from his wife. He may be satisfied with just a chat or maybe a skype session. When you come to India however, they cannot meet you without their wife getting to know about it. Or they meet you just for a night, leaving you disappointed again.
Finally, I just want to remind you that the world of the internet is not real. I have a lot of ‘friends’ on facebook and you can be a mutual friend but that does not mean that I know them personally. I cannot guarantee for any of them, so please don’t think just because they are in touch with me, they are honest, morally correct or very good people.
Be careful what you do and where you put your heart. We will always be ready to welcome you here in India if you really want to try and get to know this man. Just remember that things may seem different than they are.
Indian men, as promised, I will have few lines for you tomorrow!
A few days ago, I was playing with Apra on the big porch swing which we have standing in our entrance hall. We ended up cuddling and just talking a bit. In this beautiful situation, my daughter looked at me and asked: ‘Pa, what is love?’
A lot of the people who know me personally have probably already heard me giving a lecture about the exact same topic: love. You all who read my blog must have read some articles about it, too. I have spiritual people ask me this same question while I was on stage and I can give an answer that could very well stretch over one or several hours!
But what do you answer when the questioner is a three-year-old, your own little daughter lying in your arms?
A lot of thoughts raced through my mind but I decided to go with this one: ‘Love is what I feel for you, for your Ma, for your uncles. And love is what you feel for me. Love is what we do to each other.’
Apra seemed to contemplate this answer for a minute or so. We swung forth and back in silence. Then she nodded and the answer was accepted. Everything was clear.
And that’s how easy it really is!