My relationship with my father

When father says that I am dead for you!

Imagine my mental state when I became an orphan when my father was still alive, and do you know why?

Because I didn’t want to send the donations taken from people in the name of children’s charity to fulfill the lust of my brothers and father.

Because I turned down my father’s offer to repay the loan taken in the name of business with the money donated for the children!

But then I also decided that I do not want to buy father’s love with money!

This is my same father who stopped working when I was quite young and from the age of fourteen only my earnings as a child (religious) preacher supported the home and family.

This is my same father, who treated me more as a customer than a son ever since I started earning well!

This is my same father, in whose hands I always kept gold, silver, money, property, whatever I earned.

This is my same father, whose mistakes I forgave not only because of my mother but also because he used to say that there is no crime in this world that cannot be forgiven!

This is my same father, who mocked me over phone that now you are repenting that you did not trust us (father and brothers) (in the matter of wealth and property)!

This is my same father, whose lust for money poisoned the relationship between all three of us brothers!

This is my same father, from whom I kept crying for years after telling the story of betrayal, insult and mistreatment met by my brothers, but he kept cheating me by telling lies!

This is my father, whom I tried to call hundreds of times in the last years, don’t know how many messages I sent, but I never got any answer because my father was dead for me!

Then I sent the last voice message in July last year that before you die, I want to see you alive only once, looking into my eyes! I said that I want to cry on your shoulders only once! But still no answer! Because my father was dead for me while he was alive!

Then in September last year when my friend told me that your father is admitted in Delhi hospital, I immediately took the next flight from Germany to Delhi crying. Because I didn’t want to see my father dead only! My father started recovering, I came back to Germany and he also went back home, but I found that my father was really dead for me.

I went crying, came back crying after bearing sorrow, pain, insult and disrespect. I did not go for anybody else but for myself, wanted to see my father alive only once.

But to be honest, all these things don’t mean that I don’t love my father or he doesn’t love me! Whatever he may be, he has given me the love of a father and I have given him the love of a son. We have spent beautiful time together and I know his compulsion which made him so cruel towards me!

It is not even that I have forgotten my father! I still cry for my father. I am crying even while writing these lines and will probably cry for the rest of my life, but now I have no desire to see or meet him ever again in my life. It’s enough for me.

Now all I want is to have the courage to say everything that is in my heart.