Among those people whom I met in 2005 there was another retired man with whom I became friends and who shared his story with me. I had seen a lot of different cases similar to his already but because we got close, I got to know more details in this case and it showed me once more that the way of living in the west, separate from your family, is not good for the mental and emotional situation, especially when people get older. It makes them lonely!
This was the main impression that I had again and again when I talked to my new friend. Even though he was living together with his wife, he felt lonely. He did not have a lot of close friends and his family relations were not very strong. On the contrary, with some members of his family he had had big arguments and fights.
To me, he seemed emotionally very disturbed, scarred from a childhood with a choleric father and disappointed from the world. This impression was confirmed when he told me that he had attempted to commit suicide twice in his life – obviously without success.
I had the wish to help him and we became friends. I thought, if someone feels lonely, it is easy to help them by just being there for them. I was there. He invited me to give program in his home and I came to visit. It was quite successful, as usual in a new place, and he was happy because he met a lot of people through the program. With some he thought he might even start a friendship which obviously made me happy, too! I invited him and he came to India with his wife.
When we got closer, he started calling me brother, as he had never felt this brotherly connection with anybody else, not even with his own, physical brother. For me that was fully fine – in India it is normal to address a person whom you like as your brother, sister, aunt or uncle, just to show that you are close to this person like a relative.
For him however it was something bigger and that made me realize the cultural difference once more. In India, in the normal family setting, there are always some relatives around who live in the same house, with whom you talk throughout the day, with whom you spend time and whom you can trust, ultimately more than you can trust anybody else. The bonding within families is normally strong.
In the west, as I could see with this man and had seen with many before, people find it important to be independent. They don’t want to live with family, if you do, you are considered weak, as though you are not strong enough to be on your own. People get taught when they are very small that they need to be on their own. If you find a partner, that is good, if you have children, you can spend time with them until they are adult but after that, when you are old, you will be on your own.
It hurts people but this is how they accept their lives. They are disappointed with their family, with the whole system, with the fact that it is normal to be alone. It doesn’t change however and this is how one generation after the other spends their old age alone, lonely, missing the love of their family around.
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I’ve really enjoyed your blogs about the Indian family unit, especially as in the west we have such a different system. Loneliness is becoming a real problem in the UK, especially as there are many elderly people who are widowers – if the situation is this bad in the example you’ve given it must be a lot worse without your partner there as well! It’s great you’re picking up on these issues as they’re often overlooked back home.