I am in train now. We started from Innsbruck to Cologne in the early morning. I had a very strange night last night and could not really sleep well and I feel very sad today. I am missing my younger sister whose birthday was on 25th May. We lost her in a car accident three years ago when she was 29 years old. I had only one sister and two brothers, now we are only us three. This was the biggest loss for our family, my parents and us and my biggest experience of sadness.
I remember one year on her birthday I was in London and I phoned her in India to say happy birthday. Then we both were crying on phone. I have nobody to say happy birthday to today and nobody can take her place. After her death I have had an experience also, when I tried to connect my feelings and emotions with somebody in this way, I only got disappointment. So I have to accept it as it is now and I have her in my heart.
In India families and relations are very close. She was born in front of me, we always lived together and I put her into the fire from my hands. When she died I was in shock and for one week I could not even cry one teardrop. After that I started crying. I was just like crazy.
After three days I came out of the cave in the morning and said to Yashendu to search for her on Google. Maybe we can find her there. After some days I realized and accepted that she is no more in this world. I prayed to God and said to my both younger brothers Purnendu and Yashendu: ‘Please don’t die in front of me.’
Related posts
How to deal with Grief – just never suppress it! – 12 Dec 13
One Year without Ammaji – 10 Dec 13
Religion says: don’t die the wrong Day or five Family Members will die, too! – 2 Jan 13
Do wise People not cry in Times of Grief because of religious Illusions? – 1 Jan 13
Purnendu’s, Yashendu’s and my Memories with our Mother Ammaji – 20 Dec 12
Ramona’s Tribute to Ammaji, her Mother-in-Law – 18 Dec 12
Naniji facing the biggest Pain: the Loss of her Daughter – 14 Dec 12
Sadness cannot be Danced away – 19 Sep 09
Swami Ji, Your journal means a great deal to me. Although we have never met I feel deeply sorry for the loss of your sister and very grateful for your openness and your joy. It is giving me life.
After reading this I am thinking about the gift of sadness. When it comes into me I feel humble, and opened up and I forget who I think I am. It is really a gift…and, it hurts.