Since I have come back to Europe yesterday I was thinking of a friend that I lost and realized that I am still feeling pain and that I still feel hurt. I was not thinking of it much in the last days but now I am back here.
I called somebody my brother, but I feel that in the western world relations like this are not valued. Many people do not know the love that is there in this kind of connection. I gave this person love in the same way as I do to my brothers Yashendu and Purnendu. The love of a brother. And here many people think that you can finish this relation with one mail, just in one day! It is such a sudden cut and it is still fresh in me. I was made an 'ex-brother'. And how can that be? How can a brother be 'ex'? My real brothers could not even think one thought in this direction!
People here grow up in a culture in which it is normal that a relationship finishes from one day to the other. Then the love is suddenly gone. Whatever was said about being brothers and receiving and feeling so much love is forgotten. There is no value to what is said. Is it just talk? To say that there is love for someone and the next day all contact is over? To say that I should be there at the end of the life and then finish the relation in this way? If you talk without meaning it you will hurt others! There is not enough sensitivity. Suddenly there is no contact anymore. Is this the right way?
And what is the reason why somebody goes from one day to another? Because I cannot fulfill their expectations. When I let people come close to me they develop expectations. I am a sensitive person and that is why I am hurt. And I want to keep this sensitivity. This also makes me special, this is what I am. But you can see that it is difficult to trust when these things happen.
I just compare this with my friendship with Michael or Govind. I know Michael since the first day I set my foot in Germany and I never felt any expectation from him. He is just standing there and sees how one person after the other is coming and going. I know that relations break because of expectations, because I do not entertain the people the way they want me to. And love and expectations do not fit together.
Of course I am hurt and sad when somebody leaves me and especially in this way but on the other hand I am happy when these people leave. If you read the diary in the last time you will remember I was talking about sheep. I do not want to have this kind of people around me anymore! I do not want to have followers! I also do not want to live in the pressure of expectations which followers also keep. Expectations that are not fulfilled turn into disappointment, anger, ego-problems and much more.
I often feel people's expectations when I am staying in their home. I have a very different concept of guests and hosts. Thomas said in the morning that there are unspoken rules for guests and hosts both. The host should invest time to entertain the guest for example by showing him around the area and the guest needs to entertain the host by being a good and interesting person. And in this way pressure grows. You need to act, need to be different than you are. And then the host will be happy when the guests finally leave because it was exhausting to have them there.
I do not live in this way. I come in the houses of people with so much love that I want to create this family feeling in which you can feel well just to be yourself. I do not like to stay in hotels but in families. In hotels and in restaurants people are called guests. They come, eat, stay over night, pay and leave again. And the personnel give their best to entertain them. But I like to create a home far away from home. If I felt like a stranger in every house that I visit then I would be homesick all the time. I am travelling too much for having the feeling of being a guest. I would have to entertain my hosts nine months a year, each week another person.
And when I am home in the Ashram I am a host and people want to come when I am there. I am surrounded by visitors and if I would play the role of a host, a guide, an entertainer I would not feel at ease even in my own home. I invite people and say them to feel free, to feel like home. I cannot be an entertainer for the whole year just because I am always either guest or host. If I had this attitude I would not be Swami Ji anymore but only an entertainer. I cannot adopt this culture, this pressure. My life is like this. I am all the time with others and I want everybody to be natural with each other without expectations. When I am in someone's house I love to be with them when there is not this kind of expectation.
It seems like I get hurt when I give my love so freely. I am not going to stop giving my love. People are attracted by my energy, I am open and I let everybody into my heart. Thomas, with whom I was also sharing my emotions in the morning, said that my beloved ones, like Yashendu, Ramona and he need to protect me from this kind of people. He said he hoped I would not lose my trust in the people here. I do not want to have this doubt or keep distance and I will not.
Why am I writing this today? I write it because there are many people who experience disappointment and pain because someone left and many people who do this in different kinds of relationships. Please do not hurt others by saying what you do not mean! Don't think you can finish relationships from one day to the other! I know in your surrounding this is going on but it will not let you come to peace! I will finish this chapter but I wanted to share this so that not so many people get hurt in the way that I was hurt.
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कृपया ग्लानि न करें यदि किसी की कल्पना करके आपका खड़ा अथवा गीली हो जाए
Bitte haben Sie kein schlechtes Gewissen, wenn Sie eine Erektion bekommen oder nass werden, weil Sie sich jemanden vorstellen
Please don’t feel guilty if you get erection or wet by imagining someone
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My relationship with my father
पिता के साथ मेरा सम्बन्ध
Neues Kapitel im Leben, Herausforderungen und Lektionen
New chapter in life, challenges and lessons
I feel like I can relate to this type of hurt. I am very open, naturally and also purposefully and when relationships end it is very harmful. I often find myself wishing when “the end” comes that they had just been honest with me from the beginning about not feeling endearment towards me, or real love. These things will happen all the time. They don’t make me want to close myself, which i am thankful for.
To the whole family, I wanted to tell you what I have told you before; Reading this diary fills me with love, and that is priceless.
sounds complicated!
I agree… don’t tell someone they are one thing to you and then disappear. There are many relationships where I would have acted differently and been totally okay with them “cutting ties” if I had known I didn’t mean anything to them in the first place. it would be nice to know. Getting traded in because you aren’t what the other person wanted is horrible and I wish things were more steady than that.
Maybe a good practice for this is to learn how to feel at home in yourself, no matter where you are. You won’t need to expect things from others because you are already taken care of within yourself. It is a choice to enjoy other people, but you won’t have to pressure them to make you happy and fulfilled; you already are within yourself. Imagine if everyone could do this, how different the world would be.