I have been writing about death in the last days and already mentioned that people in the middle of their life often start thinking about or even fearing death. What I also often experience in the west is that people don’t only worry about their death but even more about what will happen the years before their death. Where will they live? Who will take care of them?
I use to say that the culture in the west is focusing very much on the individual and I see it again proved when someone asks himself these questions. Old people are so lonely and young people don’t seem to have much space for them in their lives. Why is it like this?
Of course I have to think of India and on the beginning of my journeys in the west, it confused me that the concept here is so much different. Everybody is fully responsible for himself and for his future. You should not and cannot count on your family to take care of you when you are ill or old. You are on your own.
Not any wonder that people feel insecure, have fear and try to collect and save as much money as possible! It is very usual that old people here live together in a separate home for the elderly. And if you want to have a good and nice place to stay in your old days, you should better have some money then!
I just always ask myself why young people don’t seem to think of their own old days when they see their parents? You are also going to be this old, wouldn’t you want your children to be with you? And if you spend time with your parents and grandparents, your children will learn this from you! They would learn that you should take care of those who are older and who cannot do everything on their own anymore.
In other times I think, it is in the same way the old people who often refuse to let their children live in their full freedom when they are together. There are always two people involved in a relationship and both, younger and older party, are responsible for it.
I just have to think that this is one thing that is great in India. Joint families are good for old and young. There is always someone wise to help the younger ones. The old ones have something to do, children have someone to play with. Parents have someone for taking care of their children and grandparents see their children and grandchildren grow up. And everybody learns to control their ego and to live together in love and peace.
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The difficult Situation of elderly People in the West – 25 Sep 14
Joint Families are great – but not every old Person is made for this Lifestyle! – 24 Sep 14
The Culture of asking ‘How are you?’ without really wanting to know – 18 Jul 13
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That’s true, in the US there may be no one to care in elderly years. It’s an unfortunate fact of the way community life and support systems have degenerated. So people here may have to try to plan accordingly.
My brother and I took care of our mother until her untimely but timely death this past August and are now in a similar situation with our father…i could not think of any other way to be with them…they took care of us so why should we not help them ease into there next lives surrounded with love…while my mother spent her last 15 hrs between life and death I held onto her and hopefully made the transition easier…i am not afraid to die because i believe that i will go on and know in my heart should there be a need there will be someone to help me when the time comes…i have faith in myself and others…always…love will see you through
Yes Cathy I understand you !! I took care of my mother till she passed away . As I love her and she is with me everyday! I took care of her daily.. I would feed her in the morning , go to work , come home for lunch feed her, go back to work and then come home for dinner.. Did this for 5 years while she was going threw cancer, chemotherapy and making sure my mom was eating and drinking daily .. Doctor said I kept my mother alive due to of my love and care for my mother….No regrets here would do it all over again. MOM was number one in my life !! Faith, love will always be there be with you always…:)
People forget that we are animals I think. We are pack animals, we belong together with everyone filling up the different roles needed to perpetuate the species. Not always comfortable, but being lonely certainly isn’t comfortable either!
It is true. Old people in the West are so lonely. I remember my grandmother coming for a visit when I was young. She was so lonely that she would never stop talking and I remember that no one would listen, as if what she was saying was crazy or a burden. She swallowed her loneliness, suppressing her feelings of pain, and she died that way.
I have never thought about this before but just realized that all four of my grandparents died in a nursing home, surrounded by strangers, but when my father’s sister was dieing of cancer at the age of 40, she immediately came to live with us and we all took care of her. We all spent a great deal of time with her and (maybe in part because my mother is a MD) not a single unfamiliar hand touched Carol when she was with us. Carol did not live out the end of her life without care. Was it only because she was younger?
Why young people don’t think of their own old age: The elderly have lost their rank. They have stopped being valued and they are not seen as rational, sane people. They are spoken to like children and I think that people consider old age to be so in step with a return to infancy that they do not imagine themselves caring where they are or what they are doing. A grandly wise and valuable stage of life is completely ignored, and younger people no longer learn from it.
There is so much pain and sickness coming out of all generations in the US that I think different age groups isolate themselves because they want to avoid the insanity and do not see it in themselves or people like them.
My mom always worries about retirement and whether or not she will have enough money. My brother and I ask her why she would worry about this when we both have good jobs. She will not let herself believe in our support of her because that is just not done.
When you have no family in India, who takes care of you in your old age?
I was speaking with an elderly hotel clerk in Delhi and asked him when he was going to retire. His family lived in West Bengal and he was very excited for the day when he would be able to live with them again. He told me that he would retire when his son had found good work. That is when the nature of Indian retirement really sunk in for me. I wonder if this would scare people from home, because it is not a sure thing, like the government taking care of you. What if you don’t have kids or what if they die…I understand all the basic reasons for the US system and I think they were formed from good ideas and good intentions, but we have lost so much in this. I think that is our own fault. I won’t blame it on the system.
I was speaking with an elderly hotel clerk in Delhi and asked him when he was going to retire. His family lived in West Bengal and he was very excited for the day when he would be able to live with them again. He told me that he would retire when his son had found good work. That is when the nature of Indian retirement really sunk in for me. I wonder if this would scare people from home, because it is not a sure thing, like the government taking care of you. What if you don’t have kids or what if they die…I understand all the basic reasons for the US system and I think they were formed from good ideas and good intentions, but we have lost so much in this. I think that is our own fault. I won’t blame it on the system.
When I was young I picked up on the anxiety and dread my parents felt when they went to visit their own parents. I never loved my grandparents and never really knew them.
I wish the nuclear family was bigger. There just aren’t enough people in it for me.
This is such a big problem in the West it is no wonder so many people are worried about how they will afford to look after their own parents, let alone who will look after them. I hope it is not too late for us to learn from how the family is treated and respected in India for example. How lovely it is to watch grandparents spending precious time daily with their grandchildren andparents knowing their children are in safe hands. These elderly people will mostly die at home surrounded by their family, not alone in a nursing home miles away from those who they love.
Unfortunately the concept of a joint family is not a common concept in the West. In general there are more advantages than disadvantages. Specially when you think about getting old. Be it in terms of care, help, advise or money. Everything is easier when the famliy is united.
This is becoming a real problem in the UK – often elderly people are simply abandoned and many now live in comparitive poverty, having to choose in winter between heating the house and buying food. Pensions are already one of the biggest budgets and as a result are receiving massive cuts, furthering this problem. A model like India’s family system would be much better for everyone, allowing not only financial support for the elderly, but also providing emotional support to avoid loneliness, another huge problem particularly for those alone.