Yesterday I talked about the financial expectations that elderly people may have or may not have from their children. As I already mentioned, there are also emotional expectations that come along with this and there again is a big difference in between the situation of old people in the west and the situation of old people here in India.
I told you already that it is normal in India for old people to live with their children and the children don’t think it is pressure by their parents when they expect them to take care of them. They live together and the children simply cook for one or two more people. In the west people the system is that people provide for their own future. They are mostly financially independent. They take care of themselves on their own but that also means that they usually live on their own. They live in their own flat or home as long as possible and then, when they are physically or mentally just not able anymore, they go and live in a home for the elderly for the rest of their lives.
This is an aspect of western culture which I will never understand and will never approve of. I believe that a person who has lived seventy or eighty years among friends and family and has spent his years meeting others, sitting together and laughing together, would not like to spend the rest of his days among strangers. He may have the money to pay for himself and to pay for the rent and care in that home for the elderly. He may be independent. But is he happy? Who will be there for him when he leaves this world? Will the home for the elderly make a phone call to the eldest or closest child on that day and that’s it?
I know that this pains not only me when I think about it but also those children who, often together with their parents, take the decision that their mother or father has to go to such a home. They think ‘She will make friends there, too!’ but they know that these friends, the people whom she has met only some weeks ago, can never replace those who were with her the whole life long.
But actually the reality is that this person has already spent the last ten, fifteen or twenty years on his own. Children move out when they are about twenty years old and then the parents are on their own. They may be still flexible and in that age actively meeting others. When they get older however, this becomes less and less and people become more and more alone. It is the system and the thought of independence and freedom which led to an emotional separation and makes people lonely. This is where the western system fails – it calculates money but emotions have no space in that equation.
In the end this also led to the creation of homes for the elderly. They do their best to create a nice place for old people but the reality is that they can never replace a real family. But to say the truth, old people may be happier there, among others, where there are at least some people and something is going on. In their own flat, alone, there is only a TV and a radio. Children come by once on Christmas and maybe on the birthday. Apart from that, there is not much relation anymore. You know they will come to arrange your funeral and then they will divide whatever money you have left them.
People think they have no other possibility and maybe with this system, with their way of living and thinking it is true, even though it hurts them. But I think if you really want to, you can prepare your mind and the mind of your parents for living together. The person who has raised you and has spent time to serve you, to be with you, will be fully alone once his or her partner has left the world. How would your mother or your father now spend the 24 hours of the day? Nobody wants to be alone. That is human nature and that is why we need friends and family. It is now the time in which they need you to be there, just to be together.
This is what is usual in India – living together in family and caring for the elderly just like we care for the young ones. I know that there are black sheep here in India, too, who are not as loving or caring. They don’t want to take care of their parents and they throw them out of their homes when they are old. Society however does not approve of these people and their actions. You can see these old people sitting at the side of the road, begging, or in temples, chanting in order to earn a little bit of food. They will die alone, among strangers one day.
There are however much more families which old people are just a part of. They belong to the house and the family. I see how great it is for my grandmother to be here with us. She has been here since her husband died and whenever she will leave us, she will be surrounded by those whom she loves. This is a part of Indian culture that I really love with my full heart.
I have seen the western system and the problems that arise from that. I see also that there are many people in India who try to follow the west in this way, too, although this system is a failure, has created so many problems and brings emotional separation into families. I have trust and hope however that people will come back to their roots and nature of being together and living together all over the world. This is what human needs and I believe that it will be possible for generations to live together in peace again. That is what we call Ashram, a place to live together, to share and still to be everybody free to be themselves.
Related posts
A few more Tips for Indians preparing to live in the West – 9 Jul 15
When Indians learn how to do shopping in the West – 8 Jul 15
Less Formalities make Life easier! – 28 Jan 15
How to fight Feelings of Loneliness – 12 Nov 14
The difficult Situation of elderly People in the West – 25 Sep 14
Joint Families are great – but not every old Person is made for this Lifestyle! – 24 Sep 14
The Culture of asking ‘How are you?’ without really wanting to know – 18 Jul 13
‘Wrong Number, Honey!’ – When American and German Cultures clash – 17 Jul 13
Has your bad Mood become your Habit? – 17 Sep 12
Swami-ji, kind sir. I am writing comment to plead with you to not be so harsh on other culture practices. In adopting this kind of talk and idea, we have tendencies to influence the thinking of others and develop a form of prejudice from the holding on to these ideas.
Not all people in a specific culture are guilty of the practices you have chosen to identify in your blogs, more specifically Western Culture. I am not sure if you are referring to American or European culture, or to the culture of any nation/state West of India, but to create this idea in the minds of others is to condem all beings who live and are raised in these areas.
There are a lot of family-oriented people in all cultures, as there are a lot of individual-oriented people in all cultures. The individual-oriented people may have or not have adopted these lifestyle from a western influence, or from an eastern influence. That is not the point or issue.
The issue is the insistent use of specific geographical societies as being of a particular mind-set, and speaking in such a way as to influence the thinking of others to develop a negative, and perhaps even a harsh or hateful mentality of these peoples/societies/cultures not of ones own upbringing.
God is not about segregating, separating, prejudiced idealism, but about love. And the real truth is that I myself don’t even believe in God, or a creator being outside of my own thinking. But I do understand that the words we issue into the universe will always create and manifest into the thoughts we are holding on to, even the thoughts we plant in the mind of others.
I beg you, kind sir, to not speak so as to influence others to think in any prejudiced manner. Please, sir, have kindness and love of mind for all living beings, both great and small.
I love all living beings. They are the most beautiful things in all Universe(s) in every possible realm of existence. This means I love you as well, and enjoy watching your mind, but I must question this single-most use of thought.
Dear Bhikkhu,
Thank you for your words although I do not agree with them. In pointing out a fact, you don’t create a prejudice. I do not only write about western culture, I write in the same way about Indian culture, too. If you have read further entries of my blog you will find that I frequently write about the positive or negative aspects in both cultures.
I have travelled many years in the west and have mostly lived with families – and as I say already in my diary entry, they also suffer from the system of their culture – they don’t want to put their elders in a home for the elderly but they don’t see another option!
Your words always have an effect on others and you are hardly able to control it. That does not mean however that we can only talk about what is beautiful as though the world is always great as it is, we need to address the negative points in order to make a change.
I am of the opinion that my readers know my love for the positive sides in all cultures and most of all my love for people. So they understand that I talk about negative aspects to create awareness and the possibility to change.
Much love!
back to the roots!
The western treatment of the elderly is indeed a tragic shame. Children grow up living without their grandparents, and so it is the ‘norm’ to then expect as an adult that they too will separate from their parents once they are financially able to. I would hope that western families can regain the connection with their relatives that once was, although there are problems that will continue to stand in the way, of which is one that I also face. Having left home at 17, I couldn’t wait to gain my own independence and learn to experience life with the problems that adults face in life, to ascertain my own ‘adult’ status. I believe that the core essence of this is fine, and often very beneficial. Life is better lived, if the individual understands it’s environment more without reliance on others. And to be totally fair, there are many parents that look forward to their offspring leaving the home, not out of a lacking of love toward them, but because they can then regain their own identity as a couple of individual’s, and not just as parents. However, the consequence of this is that once they get old, many do then need to depend on others more, yet their living ties with their children have long been severed. After so long living without parents the adult children no longer find it familiar to live with them, and are therefore not comfortable with the concept. This leaves an unenviable possibility in which all parties live together again, in some degree of discomfort, or arrange to have them put in home, again with more discomfort but taking a different form.
Another major problem is that a lot of young adults don’t feel they would like to settle down in their own country or town. They have experienced others, and they feel that somewhere different would offer a more benficial lifestlye for them, their partner, and their children. Unless the parents choose to move with their children, I do not see how they can come to live together again. I have known for a long time now that I will not start a family in the UK, and have looked towards nearby countries such as France, as I believe their values are more in line with my own. I would be more than happy for my parents to live with me when they are old, but if they don’t want to live outside of England they cannot expect me to give up my dreams and hopes for my family by remaining in England. Not least in that I know that they would not want to enforce that, as they know it would make me incredibly unhappy, and in turn it would make them unhappy also. So they may stay with me, or they may not. The choice will be theirs. This problem is more widespread in western countries as people move around, and travel a lot more than those in eastern countries. I may be wrong on this, but I’m sure this to be the case. Should the offspring then not move to the country, or town, or village, that they desire for their own family, because their parents would not want to live there themelves once elderly?
There is also another factor that has to be considered, and that is the matter of divorce and extended families. Divorce, separation and remarriage are far too common in western countries, and so living with your own parents and your partner’s also, can get messy should your relationship not be working for both partners and children. I believe that divorce is too easy an option in my society, and people get married too hastily, yet in times when divorce is the most sensible option, entire families having to separate and move homes may add to the stress overall.
This is indeed a problem, as I totally agree that parents should be with their loved ones throughout their last days, and family relations should therefore last throughout entire lifetimes. Homes for the elderly should never be an option. But modern western society has changed in so many other ways, that this makes elderly parents living with their offspring much more complex, than in eastern societies.
A healthy balance is generally the best solution although what this may be, I am yet to figure out.