The Culture of asking 'How are you?' without really wanting to know

Yesterday I wrote about some typical characteristics of Americans and Germans and what happens when people of both countries meet. When writing about the fact that Americans ask the question ‘How are you?’ quite often and a lot of people, I tried not to point out one thing which was then mentioned in a reader’s comment on my entry. My reader kindly informed me that nobody actually cares how I was.

I asked whether the supermarket employee really wants to know about the mosquito that kept me up all night due to which I am not tired and in a bad mood. The answer is: nobody wants to know about that mosquito! Even if you just failed your final exams, tripped on the way to the stage to accept an important award or broke both your legs, when someone asks you ‘How are you?’ while you are passing by, you are supposed to say ‘Fine!’, ‘Good’ or – the worst option – ‘Okay’.

So why, oh, why do you even ask me in the first place?

I honestly have experienced myself when I was in America. I love the way how jolly and happy every day’s life seems there. People are happy in the stores, they smile and greet, you greet back, they ask how you are and you can answer and ask them back. You feel as though everyone should dance through the streets because we are all connected, all a big, happy family and love each other. You feel just wonderful!

Until the moment you notice that the lady who just opened the door for you and so nicely smiled and asked you how you were is already looking at the next customer coming in, smiling in the same way and asking the same question, not paying attention to the answer. Hey, I was just coming up with a witty reply, a joke about how I was and whether you didn’t feel the same on this lovely day! But you don’t even want to know! How are we supposed to get into a conversation in this way, let alone get to know each other better, build a connection and become life-long friends? Your welcoming smile looked as though it was a possibility – the fact that you ignored me the next second told me the opposite.

No, don’t worry, I got over the shock and recovered well from it. I learned with time that it is used just like a greeting, an extension of the ‘Hello’ or ‘Good morning’. It is not meant that way. I have experienced this in America not only with this one sentence but very often with a display of fake feelings, which was not easy for a person like me. It shows however how fake this world can be. Does nobody really care? You greet with this phrase, obviously pretending to care, faking interest and not even noticing it anymore!

In that case, I would ask you to please not even ask me anymore. That is something that not only Americans should think of: if your smile is fake, it won’t make my world any brighter. Go deeper than that. If you ask, wait for the answer and acknowledge it in some way! If you don’t want to know, don’t ask. It would just disappoint me. I prefer real feelings.

While getting rid of this habit of greeting with such a question, please take care of one thing though: don’t throw away your positive attitude along with it. That is something that I have found in many people there and which I believe is a beautiful thing. So bring that feeling of happiness, positivity and love to a deeper level – and give people a real smile!