Give Time the Chance to heal your Sorrows, Wounds and Pain

In a few days it is going to be a month since we have lost Ammaji. I already mentioned that it has been a very intense month and while I was watching myself and my emotions, I have once more realized what an important role time plays in life and how much of an effect the passing of time has on our feelings. I believe it shows that time really does heal – and that you can count on time to help you deal with your emotions.

In the very beginning, the first few hours after Ammaji had passed away, I was in a state of shock. There were no tears, and it felt like the realization that not come that she was really and truly gone. The mind was there, thinking that Ammaji had gone, watching Babbaji and Naniji in their grief but the emotions had not followed to that point yet. It took them until we were at the Yamuna to actually reach me. Tears started flowing once the primary shock subsided and the feelings gained access to my heart.

The days after her death, we all were crying whenever we talked about her. Every and any talk that included a memory or had something to do with her created a lump in the throat and a flow of tears. We talked a lot about her and I shared these talks and thoughts with you in my diary. Thoughts came all the time. Everything was related to Ammaji and if something was really in no way related to her, we would say ‘She never had anything to do with this!’ We saw her shoes, we saw her piece of garden, we saw the empty space where she had always been sitting. We talked and cried.

After some days, we had said everything. We had talked about every detail and cried for each of them. A time started when there was not so much to say because everything had been said. Thoughts came however and made me sad. Not each of them could make me cry but some of them could. Acceptance of the facts that you cannot change was slowly sinking in.

Still today, the first thought in the morning is of Ammaji. The scene when she left, her last minutes with us, it all is still very clear in my mind and I see it often in front of my eyes. Yesterday I was holding Apra, who has a bad cold, in my arms and remembered times when I was small and wanted to be in the arms of my mother. Memories are there and they will always be. The intensity of feelings reduced now but we will always remember her.

You have to give yourself time. It is a natural process with which time heals your wounds and I am fascinated by how well it works once more. It is necessary to let time do its work and not to resist, to let tears flow when you feel like it because it is the right time for it. There will be other times for laughing again but you have to give space to your sadness in order for time to heal your pain.