Very often when you hear that someone says after the first night ‘It was really a good night, I had wonderful sex’, then they did not necessarily do anything special. It is amazing because sex itself is such a great thing. It is not the quality of the woman and the man, it is the quality of sex itself. And if the physical relation continues, the emotional relation will also develop.
But also many times you see that sex is used like a weapon. This I would also call organized crime. They made a date and organized the situation, make a whole setup so that the evening ends in the bedroom. And then they use it as a weapon by saying that after that night there has to be a relationship. Now we had sex, now you are my partner!
Actually sex is a sweet thing. When this energy flows in a natural way, without conditions and expectations, it can create a wonderful emotional relation, too. But if it is used like this it makes it dirty and people cannot even enjoy this sweetness anymore. The expectations lead to disappointment and after a few days you can hear them say ‘It did not work out’. They are ready to do a new experiment but they use the same pattern and don’t learn from the past. But sex itself can be a wonderful spiritual experience.
Today we will take our flight back to Germany again. Of course we, the family and the Ashram members are all sad that we leave. The winter started here and the temperature is a bit lower but we will have to face much more cold when we land in Germany. Thomas already told me on phone that it is snowing there. So tomorrow’s diary I will write from Wiesbaden, packed in a warm shawl and maybe socks.
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We harm ourselves and each other when we objectify our sexual partners; when there is ego in sex. If you use your partner for sexual pleasure without any thought of them you harm yourself. If you use your sexual partner to attach this person to your ego in the form of a relationship you harm yourself. And you will not be happy or satisfied. Sex can be a beautiful and freeing experience. Forget the rules, stay open and trust your inner voice!
In my 13 years as a practicing psychologist, I have seen many women associate painful emotions with sex. Most of the time nothing in their case history provided an explanation for this feeling. When these women talked about sex a deep pain would overcome them. The thoughts they shared almost always had nothing to do with their own experiences but instead a collective struggle of “women”. It is as if a great negative energy force suddenly possessed them. I call this collective female pain; a large body of negative thoughts that did not allow these women to enjoy or fully embrace their sexual encounters. I now go through an exercise with my female patients that have this experience. It is a type of informal meditation. It is very simple: I tell my patients to close their eyes and imagine a sexual encounter and to not feed any thought that comes into their mind by validating it or allowing it to take over for the duration of this sensory experience. Many of my patients have reported that this has helped them to enjoy sex with both long and short term sexual partners.
It is nice that you describe sex as a sweet thing. I hope to one day experience something like that. To me sex is a hassle that people get to worked up about and then when it finally happens it is simply nothing. Like any other thing. See it as sweet, or enjoyable is just something that some people have to work up to I suppose. One day, when I begin associating sex with love (which I don’t now) I think it will be a sweet thing for me to, instead of just a hassle.
In this scenario, I think it’s important that people are honest with themselves about their intentions. If they want a relationship, that’s fine. If they want just sex, that’s also fine. But when you try to use sex to gain a relationship, you might be disappointed. And if you are honest with yourself about your intentions, then you must act upon them clearly to the other person so that they know what you are looking for. If you’re looking for the same thing, then hooray! If you’re not, then one of you is bound to be disappointed or hurt.