Getting Hurt Over and Over Again in Relationships – 26 Nov 08

Sex

Once a woman came for a healing session and told me her attitude towards relationships. She got married when she was eighteen but her marriage did not last long. When she was 22 years old she got divorced because her husband loved another woman. After some time she found another man and had a relationship with him for one and a half years. After breaking up with him, she had a relationship with one of her very close friends. Unfortunately that did not last either. After six months they broke up and she lost both, relationship and friendship. Another relationship of one and a half years followed. When this relationship ended she decided that she did not want to have any relationship anymore. She has been living alone for the last six years. She has many friends but no relationship.

She told me she has lost the trust and the interest to be in any relationship. It is always the same pattern and she gets hurt. I can understand her pain. She shared very personal things with me and told me that she still missed intimate moments to share with somebody and to be close to somebody. She said: “Of course my body has a sexual need, too. And what should I do in these moments? I decided just to share my intimate moments with an unknown person. I pick somebody and have physical closeness. So I share love even if it is for a short time, knowing that I will not meet him again. But this is better than hurting my soul again and again.”

Then she asked me: “Am I doing wrong? What do you think about that?” I said to her: “No, you are not doing wrong if you don’t feel guilty about it. If you are enjoying and if you are happy, then it is fine. The definition of wrong comes from the feeling of guilt. In this situation I would say sex is a basic instinct of human.”

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  1. Meggie H.

    I understand the fear of a relationship but to me it does not seem to be the same as a fear of love. This fear I cannot understand because in love there is no fear. In love your fear dissolves and the world opens up to you. There is nothing less frightening. I notice that when I apply the concept of “relationship” to my own circumstances it can unsettle me. Something is not quit right about it. It can force the idea of love where no love exists. In can force the antithesis of love; attachment. This is not the case for everyone and not even always the case for me. But for my own experience it is an important distinction.

  2. Emily

    I would agree with what you told this woman– only we can decide what is “right” and “wrong” for us based on how we feel about it. If we regret it and feel ashamed or guilty, it is wrong for us…even if other people think it’s fine! We have to follow what our own moral guidance and heart says. I wish for this woman that she can make peace with her past and understand that it was the right path for her to follow in order to give her the spiritual growth she needed. If she can embrace the present moment and live in it fully, then she can feel like she is doing the right thing no matter what that is. Love will come in many forms.

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