If I have Sex with several People, it is Romance – if you do the same, it is cheating! – 28 Feb 13

Sex

Yesterday I wrote about gender equality and double standards for men and women. A lot of men told me in response that they did feel this way and although there were some women who denied that such a thought could ever enter their minds, there were several who admitted that I was right. Today I will write about an issue that will be even more difficult for people to accept: a lot of people, if not most of them, keep one standard for others and a fully different one when it comes to them and their own actions, thoughts and feelings!

The clearest and nicest examples for different morals and values can be found again in the most intimate areas of life, when people’s sexual behavior is concerned. Let me give you an example.

Let’s assume you are a participant in a seminar and next to you there is a man with whom you start a conversation. You get to know that you both stay in the same hotel and that you both are alone at the seminar. None of you is married, you are both singles. It suggests itself that you spend the evening together, too, so you go and have dinner together, a drink at the hotel bar and finally you sleep in the same room, in the same bed, having sex and really enjoying your weekend seminar.

It is fine for you, it is fine for him, both of you know that you will probably not see each other again. Once the seminar is over, you both leave and go back to your home towns, back to your normal life. There is also someone whom you are attracted to, a friend of a friend and you think that he might be Mr. Right for you. You both try, spend a few weeks together but then decide that it won’t work out and break up.

This is only the back-story. It gets interesting the moment when you go to another seminar in the same town, just a few months later. You don’t meet that man again but the woman, who was in the same work group as both of you. Obviously you get together in the evening and remember that seminar, the evening and talk of this one man. You tell your new friend about the wild night you had with him – she looks at you in complete astonishment and tells you that she, too, has had sex with this man, about three or four weeks after you.

This woman starts laughing and enjoys the situation but you are fuming inside! You are angry and you feel cheated, you feel used and disappointed. Your memory of that night, which was kind of special for you, is spoiled.

If you have followed this scenario with your feelings and have tried to put yourself in this position, I want to ask you to take one step back now and become the observer of your own feelings. What just happened there? Why are you so angry? Your thought is: ‘So I am not special at all! He has sex with whoever he can get, whomever he meets at those seminars!’ and that is why you are angry with this man.

Reconsider though: don’t you think that you are being unfair? You, too, had sex after your encounter with this man, so he could feel the same if he found out, couldn’t he? You both had a one-night-stand, you did not want a relationship then and you were aware of it that he did not want it either!

You have created a movie on your own mind with your imagination and fantasy. It is fiction and not reality! Of course you are disappointed when that fictional story was crashed by the lady showing you an alternative ending – and telling you that this is reality!

Now get back to reality, swallow down whatever anger or disappointment you had, tell your ego and pride that it will be fine and just go on. Once you have overcome the bitter realization that you were dreaming, you should be able to laugh about this! After all, you did the same thing.

Again, just to make it clear, any recommendations made here are for both, men and women equally! This is something that happens to persons of both genders and above you can just read an example that makes it easier to imagine the situation.

Don’t set the moral standards for another person higher than for yourself! If you think people should have only sex when they are going for a long-term relationship, then act like it and just don’t have sex with someone who is clear that he won’t marry you or have children with you. It is not fair to blame that person afterwards.

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