Ramona's Tribute to Ammaji, her Mother-in-Law

Today I want to give space in my blog entry to my wife Ramona, to write her tribute to Ammaji in her own words:

“After having collected the family’s thoughts about Ammaji for the entire past week, it is now my turn to write about my own relationship with her, my husband’s mother.

When women speak of their mothers-in-law, it is not uncommon that they describe their relation as rather bittersweet. Competition, expectations, comparisons – all of this and much more are the reasons for complains of daughters-in-law. Whenever I heard about such problems, I was always extra happy that my mother-in-law was such a wonderful woman! We never had any problem with each other, she never had any expectations that she wanted me to fulfill and she was just happy when we all were happy.

I am also often asked whether there is anything that I had difficulties to adapt to in this different culture and I mention each time that I had such wonderful parents-in-law and in general such a great family that I never had any problems. I felt loved from the very first moment that I arrived at the Ashram. Ammaji hugged me and in that time I did not know how much this welcoming would really mean to me in the following years! A family, a mother, who would accept you – coming from another culture and country – just as you are.

Even before I could understand a word of what she said, I admired her. This feeling increased when I could understand what she was saying! She had a natural authority with children which made them listen to her words without her having to say anything twice or get loud. Amid all the things that she was doing, she remained calm and happy! I always wished I had this poise, this balance in myself, no matter what happened in the surrounding.

She loved her children, and that includes me, unconditionally. Yes, with no condition at all! Having a grandchild was Ammaji’s big wish but she never mentioned one single word in that time when she knew that we were both not planning on having any children at all. There was no urging, no hints, no comments. If we were happier in this way, she would be happy for us! Of course you can imagine her joy when we finally decided to have a baby and when we told her that our little Apra was on her way.

She was so happy that she insisted on coming along to the hospital – not that any of us tried to keep her from coming! We were about to leave the Ashram and Ammaji said to Balendu ‘Chunnu, I will go, too’. Ammaji was the only one who called him this name – it was her name for her eldest son. She said it firm and he, surprised, just said ‘Fine, come’! Imagine my surprise! I had never seen Ammaji leave the Ashram before – and there she was, ready to make a two-and-a-half-hour journey to the hospital in Gurgaon and stay in a hotel, eating food in restaurants for several days! She packed whatever she needed and I tell you, it all fit in a small purse. Ammaji never needed much but packed big bags for us whenever we went anywhere!

She was there with us in the hospital, the whole time, waiting, entertaining me, looking forward with us and comforting me when it all seemed a bit overwhelming. When Apra was finally there, Balendu first of all gave her into Ammaji’s arms and it filled me with a deep joy to see her happiness. She was the most wonderful grandmother that our baby could have had and I don’t know what we would have done without her support in the first weeks after Apra’s birth. She taught me how to bath the baby, how to give baby massages, she knew what was wrong when Apra pulled a face and I watched her to learn how she soothed Apra, swinging her forth and back or distracting her with a new game. Apra was the biggest gift that I could give her but I believe she gave us the greatest gift one can give – her love.

While it is normal in India, it is not really our culture to call people your relatives when they are actually not. For me however, the word ‘Ammaji’ was not only a name to call her with – she had become my mother and I mourn her loss just like the loss of a biological mother. A special woman who will be missed in my life, the life of her husband, mother and sons and especially in the life of our daughter. We will keep her memory in alive in our hearts and tell Apra everything we know about her.

Now that she is gone, people have told me I was the woman of the house now with all responsibilities that come along. While we have all been re-distributing responsibilities and tasks in the past week, it is clear now that the duties, although a lot, will be managed. What we will miss however, is her laugh, her smile and most of all her love.”