Today Ramona and I were talking about relationships and how people see relationships in very different ways.
Some singles don’t want to have serious relationships, they say ‘I just want to have fun!’ They have one-night stands, party nights, someone to enjoy with in each town of the world. Those who actually want to have relationships with these people say they are afraid of commitment.
Then there are those singles who very much and very urgently wish for a very close relationship and if they didn’t know that it is a bit of a turn-off, they would ask every available man or woman ‘Will you marry me?’ Needless to say that most target persons run away as fast as they can.
People who are already in a relationship also have very diverse views! There are people who are loyal and have a relationship with only one person whom they love with their whole heart. They would never cheat their partner and would be very hurt if being cheated upon.
Others obviously have the ability to love several people with their whole heart – or at least that is what they say! They are in a relationship but they have affairs. In this category of people there are two subclasses: 1. Those who tell their lover ‘You are the only one for me, next week I will tell my wife/husband that I want the divorce’ and 2. Those who make it very clear that they would never leave their spouse for an affair saying ‘Honey, can’t we just have fun? I have responsibilities, the home,…’.
There exists one more concept, it is called ‘open relationship’ and this idea was exactly the reason for me to start this topic today. I had to think of a person whom I know who claims to be living in an open relationship. The concept is that both partners are free to have sex with others without anybody getting jealous. Still however, if there is nobody else or if you don’t feel like it, you are a couple, you do things together, you maybe even live and have a family together.
Now the couple whom I am thinking about has been living together for more than 15 years now, both in the same flat. They tell each time when the topic comes up that they actually have an open relationship. However I know that none of them ever had anything with anybody else! No sex, no touching, not even a kiss. And I can tell you, as I know the two of them, if any of them ever has something with someone else, the other one will just go crazy. I would actually bet that none of them would ever think of even doing this to the other one. They actually love each other very much but just believe that it would be right to live in an ‘open relationship’. I think they want to have freedom, a basic human instinct. By saying and thinking ‘We have an open relationship’ they just get a feeling of being free.
Well, this was a small excursion in the world of different relationships and I know that the list of ‘relationship types’ is not by far completed in this way. You would not be even able to categorize everybody in this way but I always find it nice how human needs some kind of identification and tends to place himself in one of those drawers.
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For me there is just one kind of relationship. If you love someone with whole heart, you have a relationship only with this person and you wouldn’t cheat on him/her.
All those other inventions like open relationship don’t work anyway, I’m sure about that!
As you say couples, like the one you just described, keep their feeling of being free. But why? What are they afraid of?I’m married since 19 years now and I my husband and I have a wonderful relationship. Of course it’s not always easy, but it’s worth it to put some effort.
And there is another important point for me, what about children? I wouldn’t like to explain my kids ‘Mummy and Daddy are living in a open relationship’. Oh what a horrible imagination.
People just become more selfish. Open relationships or love affairs are easier to handle than a serious relationship. If you’re stressed or sick and tired of your partner you easily quit and can focus on your life instead of working on your relationship. It suits better in our performance society!
Swami Ji great post as usual. Who is this beautiful Indian woman with wonderful smile looking at her gorgeous baby?
Thank you. She is wife of my best friend Govind. And their 1 year old baby girl. Love
I think singles who say they just want to have fun are really scared that if they tried to find someone to be with them they wouldn’t be able to, so they cut it off after just one night. Have some hope singles! I did, and I’m happily married. wouldn’t have it any other way.
I think thats a great idea- saying you have an open relationship but then just choosing each other all the time anyways. Sounds very sweet to me.
I recently dated someone who claimed to be a “polyamorist,” and what a hardship that was! According to him, polyamorists are able to love and engage in sexual activity with more than one person, but they are still very committed and close with each of them. No one gets jealous and everyone is fulfilled and happy. But I would like to see this ever working out!
Over the course of the short relationship, I grew to feel very strongly for him and we developed love for each other. Yet, he would never call me his girlfriend, would never promise monogamy, and wouldn’t even admit that we had a relationship… and he still never engaged with anyone else!! I asked him the same questions over and over: If you like me so much, and you haven’t been dating other people, then why not embrace our relationship and commit to being with me? The underlying message was that he was very afraid to have a commitment. He had been wounded in previous monogamous relationships and thought that he could avoid pain by avoiding commitment. What a sad mistake. I left him forever and he will never experience the true connection and love I had to offer him.
I have heard that “open relationships” can work better for individuals who are older, or not looking to start a family. But I think raising children in an open relationship would be crazy. To each his own… but for me, I will have my one and only.
Every relationship type has it’s own advantages and disadvantages. You can’t say there is only one true form or guide how to lead a relationship. Also there is no unique definition about the meaning of a relationship. I think this should be the decision and definition of the two persons who love or like each other.