Yesterday I was speaking about separation and in this kind of situation a couple always has many things to take care of. The longer the relationship was, the more difficult it is to separate, the people, the feelings, the belongings, maybe a common flat or house and of course the bank accounts. And if the couple have a child together they need to be even more sensitive. They both need to take responsibility for the innocent heart of the child.
You should not give a child any bitterness about the other one. Don’t plant a seed of poison in the mind and heart of the young one. Let the child build a healthy relation with their mother and father, with both! For that it is necessary to forgive and not to be angry. Anger is the name of the poison that you should not feed to your child! Why would you do that? If you choose the separation, why do you choose anger?
Most of the time I think the reason is ego. Ego is very powerful but it will not bring you anywhere. You know you are doing wrong but still ego keeps on thriving you on and on and keeps you from accepting your mistake. But then you suffer too much! I already wrote about this and want to bring it also into the context of this situation. You chose that separation is better, don’t have the ego that you are the better one, that the other one is wrong or did wrong. Your child doesn’t need to hear any of this forth and back, otherwise the young one’s heart will get torn apart. Does the small one really have to decide between the two people whom he both loves more than anything? No, please take care of this: whatever was there and whatever happened, be in the moment, go on and let your child develop its own opinion, relationship and life!
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It is important that you be loving if you want your child to be able to receive love in the future. I have a friend who’s parents had a bitter divorce and they fought so hard she had to get sent by the courts to live with an aunt. She has a real problem letting people love her and I think it has to do with the way her parents couldn’t show her what it looked like to love another human. If you must divorce- okay, but it is possible to separate in love, isn’t it?
This post leads me to feel extremely guilty. I separated from my husband and it was very ugly. My 2 kids went to live with him because I was busy with my job. They don’t even like coming over anymore. Now that I am on the other side, I wish I had made things easier on their father and that i had tried harder to connect with them. some things you just can’t take back.
Cheryl,I am from what you call a “broken home.” my parents divorced when I was very young and they made each others lives hell. It was hell for me too. I did struggle, but in the end I made choices to be better. Each person is their own person. Even your child is their own person, and you shouldn’t take the weight of their happiness on your shoulders. In the end it is up to the choices an individual makes. Reach out to them, sincerely apologize. if they aren’t speaking with you then write them a letter. Regret is best when let go of. holding onto guilt won’t help you love those around you now, or yourself.
Don’t let ego get you down.
Don’t plant biterness in anoyone!
I think divorce can be the hardest on the children because they didn’t experience first hand the reasons for the divorce. They may have seen the problems between their parents, but they don’t understand how to accept it afterward. So it’s important that the parents make a concerted effort to explain to the children the situation and keep giving them unconditional love even after the divorce. Children can certainly learn to accept and embrace the divorce but it’s horrible to pit the children against the ex-spouse in getting revenge. Sending love and light to all the people suffering from broken relationships. There will be brighter days!