Once a man and a woman came together for a healing session. They were living together but I do not call them a couple. At first I saw them as a couple but I want to be more precise and write about them as a man and a woman. Before the healing session the woman told me: “I am afraid of men and relationships because I had so bad experiences in the past. I am very careful about these things because I do not want to be hurt anymore and I don’t want to be cheated. I do not really know what I want and I am still searching.”
As I thought that she was the girlfriend of the man she had come with, I asked her: “Are you in a relationship with him?” She said: “Kind of. I like him and I am living together with him, travelling together with him, sleeping with him, but I cannot say that it is a relationship, because he has a girlfriend. They don’t really meet much but he has a girlfriend.”
Then I thought about what she is actually doing. Which name would you give to this relation? What are you living and what do you want to achieve? What are you looking for? These questions came into my mind. At one point she says she is searching and doesn’t want to be cheated or hurt but what is she really doing? Isn’t she cheating on the other woman? Isn’t he cheating on that woman and she is living with the cheater and contributing in the cheating? You don’t want to get hurt but are you not doing something from which someone else gets hurt? Aren’t you trying to take advantage of the fact that his girlfriend doesn’t have many chances to meet him, due to some circumstances? If he is considering that woman as his girlfriend, even if the physical relation is not close because of her absence, there will be an emotional relation, otherwise he wouldn’t say he had a girlfriend. So are you trying to defeat the emotional relation by establishing a physical relation? Why have we become so selfish? I think you are cheating yourself, you want to cheat emotions and feelings.
These days we will often find this kind of thing and see this in many different ways in our society. I have touched this kind of topic before, too. I don’t really want to blame anybody. I am just trying to analyze what is happening and what we achieve from this in the end. The carriage of relationship will drive on the wheels of love and devotion, not on calculation.
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Perspective is something that can be so hard to allow yourself to have. If people got to practice thinking about things outside of their own wants and desires more often I think it would be easier to have perspective.
This woman is clearly afraid to get hurt in a relationship and so is sabotaging her own chances to have a good one. She is hurting others so that she can protect herself from being hurt– or at least not be the only one. If only she could see that she deserves and is capable of having a beautiful, healthy, and loving relationship if she allowed it into her life. But she’s too afraid so she’s engaging in a hopeless, inauthentic, and painful relationship instead, closing herself off from good opportunities.