Someone wrote to me in reaction to a diary entry of last week and told me that his insecurity did not develop inside himself but was instilled in him by his parents. His mother had always been very careful, always around him and always afraid that he might do something dangerous. He was thus always sheltered, nearly overprotected in his childhood. Now, as an adult, he feels insecure with everything that is around him. He asked me what he should do.
I decided to give him an answer in today’s diary entry because I know several other people who have the same issue, more or less severely. In some cases this kind of imprint from your childhood is visible and noticeable your whole life long and in many different areas of your life.
I have even seen people with this kind of insecurity in relationships where they actually only searched for someone who can take care of them and protect them. They search for another mother or father. If a man finds a wife in this way, they may face some problems in their relationship where the wife is tired of playing the role of the mother even to her husband or the husband at some point tired of eternally being in the role of the child. If a woman finds a man in this way, she, too, may someday have the feeling that she never really grew up and the man can also have the feeling that he actually would like to have a stronger partner at his side.
The point is that if you have realized this insecurity, you can change it! It is up to you! It doesn’t matter today anymore that your parents have been overprotective ten, twenty or thirty years ago. Now you are an adult and you can take your own responsibility in your hands. There is no need to seek for someone to take care of you. You can do it. This world is not evil and not that dangerous at all. It is there to enjoy.
Are you not tired of always depending on others to give you a feeling of security? It is a beautiful feeling to feel safe on your own. Experience it by realizing that nothing happens to you when you spend a day without protection of others. Be free. In a relationship this means that everybody takes their own responsibilities for their actions and not one partner all responsibility. This can get too heavy and difficult. Strengthen yourself from inside. You may not have learned that in your childhood but it is not too late for learning it now. Grow up, see that the world is beautiful. Live and enjoy life.
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Dear Balendu, You brought up an important issue. People often look either the maternal or paternal security in their partner. He or she is expected to fullfill one’s deepest desires and needs. This of course is not possible and people get very easily disappointed in their relations.
Everyone should take care of his or herself like a mother. If you know, what a mother would do for you, then why do you expect that to be done by your partner? You have the wisdom, so let the mother inside you do it for you. In other words, do it yourself! Don’t be a victim and blame the people around you for not taking you into consideration.
Another point: The lacking of the maternal or paternal security is often leading to the same result than the overprotecting!
Dear Jenni,As always, you bring another, very interesting point into the discussion: taking care of oneself.
Of course it is nice if someone else does it but you don’t need to burden it on someone else and expect it from someone else. And if you let someone do it for you out of love, you should do it for that person out of love, too.
Much love to you!
The most important point that you wrote here was for me ‘Now you are an adult and you can take your own responsibility in your hands.’
This is it! You cannot blame your parents everything that you are and have, just because they are how they are. You can change whatever you don’t like! It is your own character, you can shape it.
I really have heard too many excuses already why you just cannot do anything else than being afraid, angry, lazy, irresponsible and stupid. Now it is your turn to do something and be self-confident, balanced, active, responsible and clever!
this is so good ..
Thank you Chiaa, I am continuing this topic, hope you will enjoy. Love
i was waiting for more thank u so much for posting …
Great points discussed here. I believe that we have the perfect parents for us because of the lessons we were meant to learn in this life. In fact, their very act of over-protecting you may have been the perfect lesson for you in order to learn how to be bold in your own character. Or if they abandoned you, then it is your chance and purpose to learn how to be supportive and reliable to yourself. It’s true– we cannot blame our parents for the wounds that we still carry around. It is our job to heal them on our own as we grow.
On the topic of seeking security out of your partner, this can lead to imbalance in the relationship. A great goal for a healthy relationship is that neither partner needs the other because they love themselves enough and take care of themselves. Rather than needing each other, they CHOOSE to be with each other out of love and grace. That way, neither partner feels smothered in neediness or pressured to fulfill every single desire for the other.