Are you searching for a Father in your Relationship with your Husband? – 27 Apr 11


When I said yesterday, that some parents are overprotective so that in some relationships, a man or woman is actually looking for a mother or father, I thought I should elaborate a little bit further in a separate diary on this kind of relationships.

Let’s stay today with the example of a woman searching for a partner who is in a way a father figure and not a lover and husband.

One reason why this can happen was mentioned yesterday already. If parents overprotect their daughter, they teach her to be afraid of everything because everything can be dangerous and she could make a mistake in every step she does. She will not do anything without consulting her parents. Even when she is adult already, they will do everything for her, manage her finances, take decisions for her career and sometimes even for her personal life and relationships. Obviously, being so insecure, she will search for someone as a partner who can give her the same protection and advice. Someone to take over.

Another reason for a young woman to look for a fatherly partner is a high divorce rate. So often these days in the west, families break apart and children are raised by the mother alone, the father sometimes living far away and not even being in touch with them. In those cases children often miss the male energy in their lives, a father figure, which their single mom with all her love could just not be for them.

Whatever the cause, when a relationship is based on a woman’s search for a father, there is a potential for conflict at some point of time in the relationship. It may work out for some couples but many get difficulties when time passes. He is the one in charge while she relies on him for advice and help. She remains insecure while for him the burden gets heavier each year. He, on one hand, has more and more responsibilities and feels that he alone has to take all decisions, has to manage all on his own and carries weight not only for himself but for his wife and maybe children, too. She, on the other hand, gets afraid to start anything on her own and whenever he is not there to help her, she gets irritated and even angry. Conflict, arguments and discussions are the result.

If you find yourself in this situation however, it does not mean that there is no hope and you have to break up or get divorced. There is always a way, if both partners understand the need to change.

Talk about your problem, listen to each other without making any accusations, simply about your own facts and feelings and understand the other one’s feelings, too. Then talk about what you want to change.

You, the woman, need to go more into your female strength and power. You are not helpless and you don’t need to be afraid of the world. You are strong, you are an adult and you are in this world to enjoy it. You have your partner at your side for support but he needs you to support him, too. Discover the joy of leaving fear behind and coming into your own power.

And you, the man, have to be able to give away a part of your responsibility. It may not be easy, because you are used to taking everything on your shoulders. But you have someone at your side who walks through this world along with you. You are still there to take care of her but let her also take care of you.

In this way you can walk towards a healthy, balanced relationship. Equal partners, offering each other support and most of all love.

9 Replies to “Are you searching for a Father in your Relationship with your Husband? – 27 Apr 11”

  1. Of course we women like to be protected and feel the male strength next to us, there whenever we need it. But if you have the feeling that you have your father standing next to you all the time, you can be sure that there is something wrong in your relationship. I believe that may even happen more often with people who did not have a father figure in their lives while growing up. They search for something, just as you said. We all have to work on our relationships!

  2. Good point Swami Balendu Ji but what about seeing your husband not as your father but seeing him like your brother? I have a few girlfriends who have this problem. They just don’t feel attracted to their husband anymore and live more like brother and sister. What can I suggest them? For me this is just unimaginable…

  3. He should neither be brother nor a father figure in the relationship in my opinion. The best relationship is best friend. If they are friends they can share a lot without worrying about fallouts from both the above relationship kinds. I have seen the relationship that you are talking about and I agree with whatever you have said. It is 100% accurate and real.

  4. Dear Ashvini and Carmen,Thank you for your comments.
    I have written about the problem of brotherly / sisterly love already in another diary entry: I hope Carmen, you can get some idea there how to talk to your friend.
    And yes, Ashvini, the only other thing that they can be except for partners is friends!
    Lots of Love

  5. I have another question! when the woman is strong, with personality, when she know that she want, she enjoy her life, then what make the man?He´s afraid :)))

  6. Dear Ana, if the man is also strong, in the same way knows what he wants and they both know that they love each other, they will have a powerful and fulfilling relationship. 🙂