Your Partner wants to, you don’t – but avoiding Sex won’t help fixing Relationship Issues! – 2 Feb 12

Relationships

In the last days I wrote about affairs and one-night stands and how they can be reasons for people to get separated or divorced. It is pretty obvious that you have a problem with your sexual life in your relationship if you need to go and search for sex with someone else than your partner. There are many people who have difficulties with their intimate life and a lot of times both partners are aware of these problems and want to do something about it.

There is usually no problem if both of the partners are interested in sex to the same amount. Problems start when one of the two, the man or the woman, is not interested in sexual activities while the other one is. If this is the case and partners try to find a solution for it, they sometimes think that avoiding sex altogether is the best thing to do. I consider this step as a mistake.

This ‘solution’ does not work and this is in my eyes not a way how you can deal with a problem in your relationship. The issue is not really sexual. It is lying somewhere else and the reflection is that you don’t have interest in sex. So the difficulty of your sexual relation is only a symptom, the disease lies somewhere fully different. If you avoid sex with your partner, you worsen the problem. You need to find the root of the problem on another level and fix it.

You believe that you have a problem with sex itself. You don’t have sexual desire and maybe even think that it is not good to have the urge to become intimate with someone. Sexual desire is however a very normal and natural emotion that exists in a healthy body and mind. Not having sexual interest is on the contrary a sign that something is not right. There may be some people who don’t have desire because of mental problems like a depression. Others may not feel sexual desire because of physical problems. Even if there is a physical problem like impotence however, even if the body does not work, desire is in many cases still there. And it is simply normal and natural! I have seen people who have not had sexual desire for their partner – but definitely for others with whom they then get intimate. That proves that there was no problem with their physical organs or their desire per se. If there is lack of sexual desire in a relationship, it is mostly a problem in between partners.

If you and your partner have intentionally not had sex for some time, you may think that you found the solution to the problem – you feel that sex is not an issue anymore. What you do however is that you close your eyes from reality. You just look away from the topic that is a problem and so you don’t see that you made it worse. You may reach the state where you feel for your husband like for a brother or for your wife like a sister. That is not good, it is definitely a big problem for your relationship!

Sexual desire is natural and in a healthy relationship sex is normal, too. It is very important to have a healthy love life because it increases your connection to your partner, brings you close to each other and each other’s emotions and it finally deepens your love. Avoiding sex deepens any existing gap or separation in between you and your partner.

If you have intimacy and a healthy love life with your partner, I can guarantee you that many problems can be solved. Sex is one of the basics of a healthy relationship. Find the root problem and solve it, then you will be able to enjoy physical closeness to your partner again.

Comment (1)

  1. Tara Lahsing

    Hi Swami!My partner and I had a very intensive time of intimacy simply by avoiding sex – how come? we agreed on taking a break from our sex life and so we did not have full sex for three weeks. We did other things though, hugging and kissing, and through that we came much closer to each other again than our daily routine. More experiments, more contact to each other.
    So for us it worked! But of course both of us had interest in reinstating our sex spark 🙂

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