Yesterday I explained that couples often break up after one of them cheated on his partner. They have one-night-stands with several others and when the partner finds out about it, the relationship is at its end. There are however people who don’t have sex with many different people while they are in a relationship but who have sex with two people: their partner and exactly one more – they are having an affair.
When someone says the reason for breaking up is because he or she fell in love with someone, what does it really mean?
While being in a relationship, were you not in love with your partner? Was there something missing? Some people say ‘the spark was gone’ and that is why they turned to someone else – with whom it was still sparking.
This feeling of a spark is actually a feeling of the beginning of a relationship. After several years, you cannot feel like this. With nobody. The spark of the beginning will only be there in the beginning. If this is your reason for finding another partner, you missed a very important point: there is a fire burning in your relationship! When you light a lighter, there is a spark but only for a moment, maybe for a second. But the fire that you have lit can last long, even for a whole lifetime!
I can believe you that the spark is gone – it is fully natural. Once you have lit the fire however, you need some more fuel to keep it alive. You need to supply your fire of love with trust. Trust is the fuel for love. If you turn away from the fire that is already burning and go and search for another spark, you let your fire burn low and finally extinguish – you have breached the trust and thus you took away the fuel for the fire of your relationship.
If you were honestly missing something in your relationship and feel that there is something going wrong which cannot be repaired by honest effort, you should break up before you start an affair. That would be the honest thing to do.
I have heard people say however that they are happy in their relationship and they love their partner but they love another person, too!
If you say you can love two women or two men at the same time and to the same degree, you can love three people or four people, too. In that case you could call your relationship an open relationship. That is however something completely different and not what these people want. They think they are in a dilemma because they love two different people at the same time.
I agree that there can be pure love and real love for several people. I believe you can love many people, you can love the whole world, but you need to watch your behavior closely. In my opinion you can love, but you should not hurt the one to whom you have committed. Your love for other people is no reason to hurt the one with whom you are in a relationship. Love does not need to be sexual. Even if you love several people, you can be intimate and committed to only one and have a brotherly or sisterly love for the other ones. Take care that your love does not hurt someone’s feelings.
Modern philosophers have given the philosophy that you can love many people and can at the same time get intimate with many of them. I actually don’t agree with this theory. I believe it is human nature that you cannot share the feeling that you have for your loved one with any other person. How could it be possible? Would you not remember the touch of the one whom you have loved just the night before? I think you cannot be devoted to two women or two men at the same time. Love also means devotion to the other one – something that cannot be shared with several partners at the same time.
So again I reach the same conclusion: don’t cheat, it is just not right.