This week I have been writing about relationships and the problems that can occur, about affairs and the role of sex in a successful relationship as well as the loss of interest in sexual activities that some people experience. With my counseling work I have met several couples who told that one partner had allowed the other one to have sex with others.
In my point of view this only happens in two cases: In some cases one person would like to have sex with others himself and that is the reason why he tells his partner to be free, too. This would develop towards the concept of an open relationship in which every partner is free to have sex with others.
I know that there are many people who live in this kind of relationship but I think this is only exciting for a while and does not last long. There was a modern philosopher who had this kind of idea and connected a concept of free sexuality with spirituality. The western world was attracted by this way of living which is like being in a chocolate shop, able to try all different kinds of chocolates. At some point however they realized – how much chocolate can you eat until you are longing for something that is not so sweet?
It is just human nature that every person needs closeness, intimacy and most of all trust. This you cannot share with hundreds at the same time. People who follow the philosophy of the chocolate shop usually realize this after some time and get back to a ‘normal’ relationship with commitment to one person.
The other case in which a partner tells the other one to feel free to sleep with others is when he or she has no interest in sex. I once met a woman in an individual counseling session who said in front of her husband: “I have no interest in having sex with you. You can go and have sex with others if you need to. I will not mind it but don’t ask me again and again to sleep with you.”
Sometimes the person suggesting such a thing believes to be doing the best for both of them. He or she believes to do good for the other one while solving his or her own purpose. One partner does not want to have sex anymore and allows the other one to fulfill the sexual need somewhere else – so everybody should be happy.
The reality is however that this is also not any solution. What happens to their relationship? One partner continuously gets intimate with others – he may not even have wished to but agrees on this offer, as sexual desire is a strong human need. The partners get further apart from each other as physical closeness is reduced to a minimum.
It is actually an offer that comes from resignation. The partner giving this permission has given up on any effort of fixing the sexual issues in the relationship. This offer does not come from love or from the heart. Everybody who is in a loving relationship has his dignity and pride of being ‘the one’ for his partner. Maybe the one who suggested this is now proud of leaving his pride behind, claiming that he loves the other one so much that he thinks of his desires more than his own dignity. But it is not love that lets you do this step – it is resignation.
So if you have come as far as to think about offering this to your partner, realize that your relationship has a serious problem. Work on this problem instead of finding a way to avoid looking at it. With this offer, you reduce your relationship to a mere agreement of living together.
Get back to loving each other, solving your problems and finding joy again in physical pleasures. Your relationship will last longer and you both will be much happier.
Related posts
कृपया ग्लानि न करें यदि किसी की कल्पना करके आपका खड़ा अथवा गीली हो जाए
Bitte haben Sie kein schlechtes Gewissen, wenn Sie eine Erektion bekommen oder nass werden, weil Sie sich jemanden vorstellen
Please don’t feel guilty if you get erection or wet by imagining someone
Meine Beziehung zu meinem Vater
My relationship with my father
पिता के साथ मेरा सम्बन्ध
Neues Kapitel im Leben, Herausforderungen und Lektionen
New chapter in life, challenges and lessons
I would NEVER EVER allow my husband to sleep with anybody else! No, this is an absolute taboo! You are right, that is not a solution. We have had times in which we were both not too interested in sexual activity but that went by… we surely did not have to go and search elsewhere! What an idea!
I will never understand how people think this is right, let alone a solution. I have never met anyone in an open relationship but I don’t see how it is a relationship at all?! Where is the love?