I have told western women who are ready to move to their Indian partners about the challenges they may find in an Indian joint family. One of these could be issues with the mother-in-law, another one could be the question how much to follow superstition. A third one, and of all of these probably the one that has the biggest impact on you, is the question how to raise children. Especially considering that a certain amount of violence is just normal in a regular Indian family!
Yes, domestic violence is so common in India that parents don’t think twice before slapping their child – on the buttocks, the arm, the fingers, the cheek, pretty much anywhere! It is not even considered violence, it is just normal, regular education, raising of your child.
While for Indians it is normal, I know you, a woman raised in the west, will most probably be shocked when you see it the first time. At this point I remember that there are families also in very developed countries that still beat their children but to be honest, a very big majority of all the people I have met, would be shocked. What is only a slap for an Indian parent is abuse in the western eye!
You may see it within your joint family with the sons and daughters of your brothers-in-law. Once you learn some of the language, you will understand that it is not limited to physical violence but also includes verbal assaults as well. ‘Don’t do this, or I will beat you!’ – that is something you can hear very often in a regular Indian family!
Your mother-in-law will most probably not dare laying hands on you even if you absolutely don’t agree with each other – but what about your children? She quite certainly thinks that one has to hit children, discipline them, to make them listen. She will threaten them with violence, thinking it is for the best of the child.
Can you bear this? If you just think the tiniest little bit like me, you cannot. I suggest you talk about this with your partner before even coming into this situation. What is his idea when it comes to children and violence? Will he stand up against his family to prevent them from using violence in words and actions?
Be ready to go in for a fight here – and I know parents can fight like lions when it comes to their children! This is one thing in which you cannot, in any way, do any compromise! Don’t let anybody convince you that children can be bettered by violence and that a little slap doesn’t matter. Every word matters.
Be strong for your children in this one – and explain your partner that this is a hard limit, a red line for you! Make him stand by your side and together you can show your joint family the right way into the future!
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