Loving someone doesn't take away your Freedom!

Yesterday I told you of a woman who came to me for a counselling session with the idea that she might take a break in her relationship. There was another man who thought about leaving his girlfriend. His situation, however, was quite different and it gave me the impression once more that the individualism that is so popular in the west is really cruel to people’s hearts.

This man told me that he had been married for 20 years, had had a wife and children but then left his family and got divorced. The reason? ‘It was just too much for me!’ he tried to explain. He had the impression that he was too involved in his family life which made him lose his freedom. There were so many things he still wanted to do in life, even in every day’s life, and with a family, with children and all this responsibility, it was just not possible! ‘I also wanted to live my spirituality, express the energy of my real self and live in a more yogic way!’ So he left.

After some time on his own, he met another woman. With her, he started an open relationship. They live in separate houses, she does her thing, he lives his life but they also have a relationship. An open one, which means, to say it clearly, they can both have sex with other people as well. That sounds as though he has his full freedom while having someone to enjoy sex with, doesn’t it? Well, no, he didn’t think so. He actually felt the same as in his marriage years ago!

He felt that this woman was becoming too dependent on him and that he had too much responsibility through this, even without children, even with separate flats. She was attached and although they allowed each other to see others, she didn’t. He said ‘I am again in this situation!’ but he hesitated to break up. ‘If I leave her now, she will be fully broken! She will be destroyed and there is nobody who will take care of her! She will break down completely!’

He summarized it for me: ‘I don’t want to hurt her like this – but I want to have my freedom!’

I asked him: do you love her?

There was silence for two minutes during which he sat in front of me with closed eyes before he slowly said ‘Yes, I think I love her!’

I had known this already. It was not a real question but a prompt for realization! I believe it is love when you care for someone and his hesitation to break up, the fear of hurting her and causing her pain, showed me that he loved her. So why, I asked, would you create this pain? Not only she will be in pain, you will be as well! Because no matter how open you are, if you are in a relation with someone, are close to someone from the heart, there will be love. And when you break this bond, it hurts!

Love is the most important thing in your life. Don’t be afraid of attachment – it won’t steal your freedom! You can be free while being in love!

You are also now free to do what you want but if I was in your situation, I would choose love, not fear!