Is the physical appearance of your partner an excuse for cheating? – 12 Jul 12

City:
Vrindavan
Country:
India

I yesterday wrote about ego in relationships and mentioned that one should reduce this ego and listen a bit more to the wishes of the partner instead of only wanting to have your own wishes to be fulfilled. I received an email asking whether one should really leave all his ego to become a servant of the other person’s wishes. Here is the beginning of this email:

“I have been reading a lot in your blog about different topics but especially about relationships. Probably because I have some trouble with my own relationship. …”

The woman goes on explaining that she has been in a relationship for the past eight years, that she always believed he was the love of her life, perfect as he is and until some months ago thought that this was also his feeling for her. Then however she found out that he had been cheating on her for at least two years with several different women. She knows some of these women and believes them to be members of his fitness club. She adds that she thinks they all have a better figure than herself and asks whether I believe she should lose weight, go join his fitness club and hope that he would be true to her after that because she would fulfill his wishes of a slim partner.

“I realize that I do not look the way that he would like to see me. I believe I could, with some effort and discipline and work on my body.”

I decided to reply this email in my diary because I think there might be many people in similar situations.

First of all I want to say that you need to talk to your partner. You should definitely confront him with the fact that you know about his cheating. I have written several articles about cheating and I always say that this is a very huge breach of trust, something that usually breaks a relationship because it is difficult to get back the trust you had before.

I have the impression that you believe your body is the only reason for his cheating. When you talk with him about this and he is really honest, he will most probably tell you that this is not or not only the reason. If he loved you before, why should this change only because your looks change in any way? And if that really was the only problem, you know that he only loved your body – wouldn’t you want someone to love you for who you are, your mind, your feelings, everything included?

So you see, if you change your body, if you even became a copy of one of the women he had sex with, it is not the solution! It cannot be and additionally you wouldn’t be you anymore!

It is not your fault that he cheated! In whatever situation he is, for whatever reason he did it, it was wrong. Even if you had been extremely difficult in the past weeks, if you had had fights with each other, cheating is wrong.

Talk. Tell him about your feelings, your disappointment, your loss of trust but don’t expect this all to be fixed with one explanation or one assurance that it was only a mistake that won’t happen again. I don’t say there is no chance for it to be fine again. With hard work, even trust can be replaced but it is difficult.

You have to however, in any case, keep your dignity, see your own value and understand that the other one made a mistake. You can forgive him, that is another matter, but don’t blame yourself or your ego for that.

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