Conditioning with Love – Feeling Guilty when not Fitting in – 21 Dec 08


As a response to yesterday’s diary one of my friends felt disturbed or upset because he smokes, too. Sometimes this could be a normal reaction to my words because people here grew up in a certain way.

When they read something like my diary it can trigger certain feelings and they start comparing themselves with what I am writing. Then they feel guilty, have the feeling that they are not good enough or that they are in some way wrong. Maybe they remember the pattern of their growing up, how they have faced this pressure again and again in their childhood: you have to be perfect, you are never good enough and people will only love you if you present yourself in a certain way. If you do not fulfil expectations you are not loved.

Unfortunately this kind of conditions with love we can see many times in the society. There is the condition ‘I love you if you are like this!’. I know many people who grew up in this way, got these patterns from their parents and their family and suffered very much from the feeling not to be good enough. They feel guilty and bad about themselves and constantly compare themselves to others. Others are better in their view and sometimes they get frustrated which shows in different ways. But I do not blame them for this kind of situation. It is not really their fault but the system made their personality like this and I would like to help them.

The first thing is that they have to see that nobody is perfect. Why do you want to be perfect? The second thing that they need to understand is that love should always be unconditional. If there is any condition, then it is not really love and then you do not need to care about it or worry. Those who have conditions do not really love you. You do not have to feel guilty or have an inferiority complex. Those who really love you love you how you are, not because of something or a certain quality.

I have talked many times about this condition and that many people really love the quality, not you. If someone cannot accept you how you are, how can they love you? And then, why do you need to worry about them? This is a problem of acceptance. We do not accept others as they are and we do not accept ourselves as we are. And then we struggle.

These feelings can come up when you read my words in the diary but when you feel they touch you in this way, please have a look at why this is. See that these are old patterns of your mind. It is a chance for you to look at this and dissolve it. I do not talk personally about anyone. You can think about my words and your reaction to them. Accept your feelings and love yourself! My love doesn’t change, I have many friends who smoke and eat meat but I love them. I do not do this and I have the right to tell them what is wrong and what is right and then it is their choice. But it doesn’t make any difference in my love for them. My love is unconditional. 

5 Replies to “Conditioning with Love – Feeling Guilty when not Fitting in – 21 Dec 08”

  1. it is hard for many to know how characterizations we’ve adopted can mask ourselves. Especially in cultures which require a big ego in order to thrive in society. It can be hard to see the realness of a person with the other parts piled on top. It is a determination I have in some cases to see underneath someone’s pretenses into a real them that can actually be loved. I confess I’m almost never successful.Love is hard work and it is something you do not just something you feel.

  2. Conditional love is not love of a person but attachment to their ego as it may be used to build upon ones own identity. A mother may love her child conditionally, wanting the child to behave a certain way so that the child does not embarrass the family. Children, who have at a very young age named little in this world, still looking upon it with wonder and seeing it as it is, can be especially effected or changed by conditional love. It is important to take great care with people; family, friends, strangers and those you may see as your enemies.

  3. Sometimes, when I am feeling very secure, grounded and satisfied an offhanded comment or opinion regarding my appearance or action will effect me. Among hundreds of comments of many natures one will suddenly feel personal. I am flung into my mind and I will loose sight and I will suffer. To address this response I cannot “talk” my way out of it. I cannot think my through it. If I did I would find myself in the same confused place with a set of different details. I can return to myself by turning inward and taking a breath in order to make space in myself again.

  4. I agree with your statement that only unconditional love is real LOVE, divine love. If love has conditions, then it is just feelings, thoughts, and ego. But true divine love is presence, energy, pure light… it can’t be swayed by thoughts and feelings. We all have this capability to feel and give real love… we just have to open up and awaken to it.