Wishing for a Baby after 40 – 22 Dec 10


I was writing about insecurity that many people feel in their relationship and how difficult it is for many people to trust. This leads to a certain problem, especially for women: they are often above 40 when they want to have a baby. This is the age in which it is still possible, although it is already risky. But many women try at that age and suffer from a lot of pressure because of this.

The other day I wrote that many problems in the west are for a big part due to the whole system in that culture and in those countries. I believe this is one of these problems. In the west, you need to be able to manage your life on your own, so of course women start working and also have ambitions for higher jobs in careers. It is expected that you reach higher and higher. This needs time and women often fully focus on their careers so that they convince old-fashioned bosses that they can work just as much or even harder than their male colleagues.

This of course makes it difficult to look for a suitable man. Additionally there is the problem of insecurity and missing trust that I wrote about yesterday. You need to have money and you want to have your security and independence, also with a partner. You never know when he may leave you – this you learned through previous, very painful, experiences. This is not the time for getting a baby and making yourself unable to work for one or even several years.

But actually you are wishing for a baby and it is getting late. You have spent a lot of time on creating your career, on reaching higher, on getting more money. At a certain age, there is the wish to found a family for yourself. You are now 35 or 40 years old and you know that it will get more and more difficult to get pregnant and to have a healthy baby! Suddenly you are under a lot of time pressure and feel as though you are running out of time!

If you don’t have a partner yet, you worry and try very hard to find one. There is always the question ‘is it too late now?’ and many see that men of their age are looking for someone younger.

Then, another question comes up: now I have worked so hard for my independence, if I get a child, I cannot work for at least a year and I don’t know if I can keep my job after that! I have built my career but now I want to have a baby and I would like to spend time with my child, seeing how he or she grows up! Can I just throw away all that I worked for all these years? Then again the question: can I fully trust my partner? Will he support me and our baby completely? Or will I lose his respect, my freedom, my independence?

I have many friends who were or are in this situation and this is one of the reasons why I am writing here. Of course yesterday’s message is the first one for these friends and everybody who is in a similar situation: trust. You need to talk with your partner about your insecurity, especially if you want to make him understand you. Then you need to be able to make steps away from this insecurity. You don’t need to give up your work forever. You can enjoy the first years with your child and then go to work again. There is a lot of time left for that. Go with your wish and trust your heart.

10 Replies to “Wishing for a Baby after 40 – 22 Dec 10”

  1. I want a baby so badly, but I worry that if I have one I won’t be able to give it the love it needs and also work. I feel like I’m going into it alone because you never know how long a partnership with someone will last and the man I’m with doesn’t know whether or not he wants children. I think I feel like I’d rather not have a baby than have one that I won’t be able to give enough time to, it would be cruel, right? It is a hard decision to make.

  2. I have seen this kind of situation among women at home a thousand times. People in New York are not taught to follow their heart; Just their career. I’m not saying everyone does things this way but a lot of people seem to struggle with the things that you are talking about Swami Ji.

  3. My friend Theo wrote me an email about a friend of his:”So, rossi lives with this awesome girl meira. she is the daughter of therapists, and asks the coolest questions to strangers. and she was dating this totally chill, nice, giving dude named cory. we went to asheville together for moogfest. anyway, he’s leaving soon, and had made that clear. so one day, she comes up, and tells him (and i put emotional tones into her voice here, a tone where she is sad and knows it) and says “i think i like you more than you like me.” and she shuts their relationship down
    i keep telling that story to people
    it seems really beautiful to me
    maybe mistaken
    if that is the right word.”

    We were both really shocked by the openness of this young woman. We were both mesmerized by this story…a simple story about someone saying exactly what they feel. I would really like this kind of thing to stop being shocking. This is how I want to live.

  4. It is hard to choose what to do with yourself. I see an infant number of options before me and I love many of them. I feel like I am racing to squeeze in every experience possible. And it keeps me from going as deep into things as I want to. I want to build my career, I want to go back to school, I want to try another career, I want to have children, I want to settle down and I want to continue to move on from one thing to another. I think if I just let go and see what happens I will stop torturing myself. I need to trust not just myself, but the flow of divinity.

  5. I have put off having children because I did not want to miss out on anything. And now it is too late to have children. I have missed out on one of my life’s greatest ambitions.

  6. I married out of college and built my life at home like other women build their careers. I feel unhappy. I wonder why I thought doing what I was suppose to do would make me happy. I think career women must wonder the same thing. I’m not happy. I don’t know how to be.

  7. Yes, trust is very important in living freely and with peace. I also think these women (myself included) should just follow their hearts. If having independence and a career is what they desire, then they should fulfill it! And if the day comes that their hearts desire motherhood, then just trust that it is the right thing (assuming they have a partner)– everything financially will work out in the end. And if they don’t have a partner and want to be a mother, they just need to be patient and stay open. The right thing on the Divine path will happen.

  8. Children develop best in a healthy, happy family. This requires both parents to be there for the child. However, no relationship is going to succeed without trust. the parents must trust each other or the child can not trust either.