Yesterday I pointed out that parents need to give their children the freedom to take their responsibilities and to take their decisions. Doing this is very important for the development of children towards independence and a life of security.
As a parent it is just normal that you want your children to be safe. For this you tell them what to do and you prepare as much as you can for them, so that they don’t have to go through any difficulties in whatever they do. You give them security by taking their decisions for them. They don’t need to think, they don’t need to face difficult situations or maybe negative consequences of their actions because you made sure there are none.
If you act like that however, you take away their possibility to decide and to make their own experiences. You don’t let them take their decisions on their own and they thus don’t know what will happen if they take the wrong decision. In the beginning of life, during childhood and teenage, children need to learn to take their decisions and responsibility, otherwise they will not be able to do it as adults.
Life teaches every human. Let it teach your child, too! You are there for bigger problems, decisions and topics, you can protect when it is really necessary, but let your child face circumstances of life in which it learns of life. How will it learn otherwise?
Don’t be overprotective. Take care of this from the very beginning, otherwise you will notice years later that your child is insecure and cannot take any decision on his or her own. Lack of self-esteem, indecision and also problems with getting into company of others are the consequences. Children who have grown up in a very protected environment and who could not make their own experiences, are always unsure. They cannot have self-esteem because they never did anything themselves of which they can be proud. They are always unsure whether what they did was right or not.
Additionally many don’t feel good in company of others. It is logical why this happens. When you are in a group of people you are expected to act. Every action however needs a decision to act in this way and they are simply frightened that they could act the wrong way! Some time ago I wrote about the problems that children of overprotective parents have when they try to establish a relationship.
If you, as a parent, see that your child doesn’t go out and enjoy, that it searches your closeness and advice with everything, although it has reached an age where it is expected to spend much time with friends and to decide on its own, you have to see that you have most probably been overprotective. You did it out of love but now you and your child face the consequences. It is of course not too late but if you want to change something, you better change something fast. It is your responsibility to give your child its own responsibility.
Don’t overprotect, give freedom and let them make their experiences. They will shape the world of tomorrow, so don’t try to press them into your world. Let them free.
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The consequences of this over-protection go much further and children can have real psychological trouble in their early adulthood when they stand on their own two feet for the first time. That is actually the problem then – standing on their own two feet. Who will wash my clothes? Who will tell me what weather will be tomorrow? Who will pack food for my lunch box? This is not a joke! I have seen grown-up men fully helpless in such situations! They stayed with mummy until it was simply not possible or bearable anymore and then they did not know how to deal with the world! Sad stories that and I am just thankful for my mother that she had me lift my lazy butt out of the sofa regularly to take care of things myself.
Dear Maurice,Yes, I know what you mean and I have met men and women of all ages who still struggled withe consequences of their growing up in this way.
It is hard work on yourself to deal with that.
Much love
It is understandable that a parent loves their child very much and doesn’t want them to suffer at all. It is good to protect your children. But they must grow up and leave at some point and how will they manage then when they have no real experience of the world?