Yesterday I said that big families are wonderful for parents because then there are also other people who can take care of the child. What I do not mean however is that parents give their child to the grandparents or other relatives and then they go out and party the whole night long. This is something that I absolutely don’t understand but what I have seen happening with some children in the west.
There is the option of pumping out your breast milk and keeping it for feeding the baby later. This is a wonderful option for mothers who have difficulties breastfeeding and whose babies don’t latch properly. There are some cases in which it is good to have this possibility. I do not approve of it however when a mother takes out her milk in a bottle, gives her baby to anybody – be that relative or paid caretaker – and goes to have her own entertainment for several hours.
You go out and leave your baby for hours to get entertained? Can any movie, theater, disco or party give you better entertainment than your own baby? Would you not sit in your cinema seat or in that bar and wonder whether the babysitter really feeds the little one when it cries? Would you not be there in your mind when you feel that in your breasts the milk is getting ready again?
I know that parents in the western culture are encouraged by their surroundings to take their time for themselves, to enjoy some time only with their partner, to learn to detach from their children or even to work on their relationship. People say the child will learn early to be on its own and the parents will learn to let go.
I wonder however why any of this would be necessary? Why would you need time for you and your partner alone when you have an infant? Don’t you enjoy the time with your baby? Do you regret that you are now three instead of only two? I think nothing can be more enjoyable than being with your little one!
If you say this time out of home is necessary for working on your relationship, I have to wonder what happened to your relationship. You knew for at least seven months that you would have a baby. You had time to prepare for it. Obviously in the time after birth everything is about the baby at first and there are many things that work somehow differently than before. You have to get used to the new routine but this all is a time of joy! The one you have been waiting for so long has finally arrived here! Why would this make your relationship more difficult? Even if there are emotions regarding your partner that you had not expected to come up, just take along this feeling of love that you have for your baby and talk in love with your partner about it – for example while the baby is sleeping! For that you don’t need to go anywhere! Additionally there is no better place to talk than your own home.
And then there is this one argument that I have heard so many times and about which I again and again have to say that I cannot ever agree: the child and the parents need to learn to be apart from each other. There has to be some more distance in between them. They should not be so closely together at all times. I absolutely don’t agree!
What is wrong with being close and wanting to be with your little one? What is wrong in the child’s need for his parents? It is the western idea of individualism that makes people say such things. Children should spend time with their parents and family when they are young. They don’t get spoiled by too much love. It is impossible. In the west however people think that children need to learn to be on their own – because they have to be alone a lot later, too. They get the training of being alone, of not being too much attached to the ones they love. It starts from the very beginning with a separate baby cot for the child instead of letting the child sleep in the parents’ bed.
I believe it is every mother’s primary instinct not to leave her children, especially when they are young. Nevertheless I know that many mothers do it and I think the reason for this is that they want to do it right – they want to raise their child in a way that it can survive in the society they live in. Some women say it breaks their heart to leave their children but they think they should. They never enjoy a movie but everybody else tells them to take some time off! Whenever a woman tells me this, I say her that it is absolutely not necessary. You can make your child a fully independent individual also if you don’t go out for your own entertainment – which is not entertaining you anyway.
I think that on the contrary it has a negative effect if you do that. You can see the result in the way how teenagers in the western world treat their parents. They don’t mind to insult them and they forget every little bit of respect. They do their own thing just like their parents did their own thing. Of course there are more factors that contribute to this lack of respect but I believe this wish for individualism is one of them.
In my eyes you do it best to follow your heart and be with your child as much as possible. Time goes by so quickly – cherish each moment!
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Social pressure is a big reason for many strange decisions that parents take. comparing with other cultures can really save you from a lot of advice of others – just say ‘you know, in … it is like this and children there are also healthy/intelligent/loving…’
i am a single mother. i love my child, and she loves me. i also love to party and go out with friends. my daughter goes out with us a lot of times; but sometimes we can’t take her along, when we go to clubs for example. it is good to have a life of one’s own, not one that revolves just around one’s husband, or kids only. she understands that mama goes out with her friends; she has friends too and goes for sleepovers, so it’s not so hard to understand. i enjoy it, so i do it, and my child does not suffer. i would say it is healthy even. 🙂 it’s good to not always be with ma (or da)…exposure to multiple people (of course loving people) and multiple situations is good for the mind, as well as body.