Yesterday I wrote about parents who both go to work soon after their baby is born. I said that you need to have time for your children if you decide to have them. Yesterday my friend Hans-Christian wrote a comment to my blog entry, pointing out how difficult it is for many women to leave their jobs when they have children – they have less income in their family but more costs which could mean falling into poverty according to German standards. Many women therefore, and for other reasons, take the decision not to become mothers – which I said was a wise thing to do if you don’t have time for your children.
I do see the difficulties for women to make this decision. It is a heartfelt wish for many to be a mother and on the other hand there is the society that tells you how much you should earn if you want to have a child, how much luxury you should have and what leisure activities you should be able to do in your free time. In some places women are nowadays literally expected to be working – others have done it before, you should be able to be a mother and working at the same time, too.
So women are under pressure when they think about having a child. It creates a conflict in between their own interests and expectations from outside. Many times women feel guilty if they decide to keep on working because they know they cannot spend time with their children and they feel inferior to others if they actually leave their work and are at home.
I think those expectations from others and a feeling of social value is rather the reason for women not to leave their job than actually getting poor, at least in Germany. If you live in Germany, you even get some financial support from the government for your baby.
It all depends on how you define the word ‘poor’ but if you see it realistically, you will be able to live and feed your baby. You may not be able to live a luxury life but it is great, you get support and will cover your basic needs! Compared to India you are still very well off. People are much poorer, they don’t get support from the government but of course their needs are not that high.
This is the big question: how much do you need to feel satisfied? Do you think you are poor if you cannot go to holidays every year? Are you satisfied only if you can eat out once a week in a restaurant? If these are your needs, you could be right if you say you cannot stop working. For this life you may need to work both, mother and father. And in that case I would say you are not qualified to be a parent because you don’t have time for your child.
Maybe you could however think about reducing your needs. If you have the big wish to have a child, maybe you don’t need that many new clothes for yourself in future. Maybe you can refrain from some other luxurious expenses that you have and decide to stay at home with your child. At least one of the parents should be there to spend time with and give love to the child. I think for the average German it is not so much a question of poverty but of social value, how they are seen by others.
I actually think being a housewife is absolutely something very valuable. Children need you. They need love and closeness and they depend on you. Why should it make you in any way worth less if you decide to give your child this closeness and love the whole day long instead of going to work and only spending the evening hours with your baby? You are doing an important job at home, too, probably more important than even managing a big international company – because you create the base for a whole life.
If you decide to go back to work again soon after birth because of money, is it really because you would starve without your job? Or is it because you want to live in more luxury but you could live well otherwise, too? Think about it, if this is the reason, what does it mean? You will spend the whole day at work and then have money to give to your child. You want to provide your child the best, which is understandable and which we all want, but you need to realize one thing: you cannot give your child a nice future only with your money! He or she needs your time, love and physical touch, too! Your love and emotional security will give a great foundation for a whole life. Your child can earn money himself or herself, too, but you weaken the foundation for a good future if you are not there in their childhood.
Imagine the situation of your child who was in your womb for nine months and then came out into this world. Now this little being does not have you close-by anymore after being closer to you than anybody else for so long! Your baby is missing you!
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I agree, it is best to stay with the child, although I know how difficult this can be for parents in Germany – I was diagnosed with cancer shortly after my baby’s birth, then my husband left, usually this is a straight way into poverty! I was lucky to be able to stay at home just BECAUSE I was severely ill – looking back now – 16 years later – the best thing that happened to us- my girl and me!
To take care of young children is the foremost duty of parents, specially of a mother. Though it is a little bit harder for a working lady but it cannot be an excuse for not paying attention to child’s needs that she is a working woman.
Giving love, attention and care to your child is the most important thing. If they miss out on some games or holidays they will be a little upset. But if they don’t have a childhood because they are left alone it will affect them for life.