Fake Pride doesn’t let Parents see the Damage of domestic Violence – 10 Mar 14


Last week I wrote a lot against hitting and beating your children. I gave tips on how to raise your child in a loving, non-violent way while setting limits and I expressed the hope that this might help some people go this non-violent way which they know is right. I know however that in India, it will still take time until one can say that most children don’t get beaten at home. Why? Because of the pride that people feel for having been beaten as a child and for beating their own children.

What may seem unimaginable to those who have grown up in countries with very low domestic violence is a normal feeling for parents here: people are proud that they were subjected to violence when they were small. They tell with a laugh and a shine in their face how cruel their father was, how they hated his belt, his stick or whatever he was beating them with. They remember their mother and say ‘She was a tough woman and she had a hard hand. I can still feel it burning on my cheek!’ – and they smile.

They truly believe it made them better humans. They honestly believe that they only turned out so great as they perceive themselves because their parents were so brutal. The more they got hit, the more they tell of it, the better they feel. The consequence is of course that they hit their children as well. And are proud of it because the more they hit, the better a human their child will be, they think.

One of our employees told with much pride how she had beaten her children and that they were more afraid of her than of their father – until she learned that we were not in favour of this violence! It is just the stupid thought that this would be the best thing you could ever do to your child which makes these children suffer.

It is not also a question of education: it doesn’t matter how many degrees a person has, they can still be of this opinion and I would then say that their minds have not developed until that point yet, no matter how many times they have heard about non-violent education. They stubbornly insist that their parents were right in beating them. The biggest problem here is that they don’t want to accept that their elders were wrong. They hesitate to refuse an ancient – and outdated – method simply because they are attached to everything that is old and comes from the past. Just like people refused to accept that the earth is not flat but round…

You cannot say that your elders were wrong and you claim ‘They used to hit me and I turned out fine!’ I oppose that. You didn’t turn out fine. It has created a whole lot of psychological consequences that you are just not aware of: fear, insecurity, problems with respect and most of all the readiness for violence.

If you continue the violence, your children will one day face the same problems. Don’t. Let go of the old and finally get ready to accept something new! It may be difficult in the beginning but you can do it and make a change in your life and the life of your children!

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