A western Mother in India observing the Violence of Indian Parents

I yesterday wrote a letter to Indian parents, telling them that I won’t let my child stay with them because they hit their own children. I was asked why I was directing this letter to Indian parents in general, as though all of them hit their children. I was told it was only a few families and I should not generalize. I disagree. I have always seen this, in many families and with nearly all Indian parents I know. And it is not only me, I have the best possibility at home to see things from out of the culture, out of the country, from a point of view that is not prejudiced by having grown up here: my German wife.

When Ramona came to India, she came here with the background of a culture, country and family where hitting children is something that happened in the past. In a dark past, when World War II was raging in Germany, in the time when Ramona’s grandmother went to school, then children experienced corporal punishment in schools. In homes, she had learned that it happened only where there was a lack of education, addiction problems or other, serious factors that made parents act in this criminal way that they hit their children.

Then she came to India. Obviously she fully agreed with our philosophy of non-violence in our school. When she witnessed a teacher hitting a child in spite of clear instructions and the ban on any violence, she was shaken inside, trembling physically because of this unjust act of violence on a child, a being that is so much smaller and younger than this big woman towering over him. We fired the teacher immediately and Ramona realized how common violence really was in India’s schools. She started giving workshops to the teachers of our school on how to get respect while teaching with love.

My wife was still to get another shock however: beating is not only normal in schools here but also in children’s homes! She accompanies me to my friends’ homes and started making friends on her own as well. Friends with little children. She went to their homes occasionally and there is not one single home that she went to where she has not seen the children get hit one day.

We are sitting and talking, joking among friends. The children play around us. They get to loud, they fight and – slap – the mother hit her five-year-old son without a warning. Another family. Ramona is holding the three-month-old baby girl of a friend, the four-year-old sister is dancing around them. The older sister is excited about the visit, shows all her things, starts doing nonsense and – slap – her grandmother hit her. She starts crying and her mother consoles her, telling her not to be naughty to avoid being hit. Another house. Apra and her friend, also two years old, are playing. They paint with markers on a notebook. Apra’s friend starts whining to her mother about wanting another pen and notebook. When she doesn’t get it, she throws a tantrum and – slap – again the grandmother’s hand in the little girl’s face. The mother, unmoved, supporting the violence with her looks. Ramona, her heart beating fast, distracts Apra from the scene, happy she had not seen it.

Once my wife started understanding Hindi, it upset her very much to hear how normal it is to say ‘Teri pitai lagegi’, ‘Me marunga/marungi’ and similar phrases – all meaning ‘I will hit you’, mostly said to children when they are being naughty. We swore to each other that our child and the children at the Ashram will not get to hear such words.

These are the experiences of a ‘foreigner’ in India. She sees things from outside and is shocked. She is not used to the daily violence as Indians are who don’t even see it anymore. And she is not the only one either! A western friend of hers has a child with an Indian man as well and has lived in India for a year before, too. She cannot make up her mind however to come and live in India – because she is afraid of the violent atmosphere that her baby boy would grow up in.

No, dear Indian parents, I have to say it is not just some separate incidents. One can probably say that the parents who don’t hit and don’t threaten with violence are the exceptions. You just don’t notice anymore, as it is such a deep habit and so normal to you. Think about it, if not by my words, then maybe when considering the impression you give to a visitor from another country.