I yesterday told you about an incident in a five-star-hotel when a staff member pretended to take away Apra’s teddy bear. While I yesterday just explained you my own shock and surprise, I want to tell you about Apra’s and our reaction to this incident which is, until now, one of the examples we always give for this teasing of children that is so common in India.
Actually, the scene happened quite quickly and while we were still taking in what this woman was doing, it was already over. Apra was shocked, we were shocked and first of all we just went to a free table and sat down there. Once she had overcome the urge to cry, Apra, still on my lap, looked first at her mother and then up to me and said ‘The woman wanted to take my bear!’
In her voice, we could clearly hear her emotions: shock, concern, anger and a trembling that showed that she was not yet sure how to deal with this. Of course our very first response was that we were always there for her and that we wouldn’t ever let anybody steal her toys from her.
My insides still shaking from this unexpected assault, I added something which I otherwise would never have said. I told our baby: ‘If ever someone tries to steal your bear again, you can just hit him or her!’
Normally, one of our first and most important rules, not only in our school but also our home is: Nobody ever hits anybody else! Of course Apra knows this and she looked at me in utter surprise. Really? And while I just got aware of what I had told her out of my fatherly protective instinct, she started processing this information. I realized already then, that getting violent was probably not the best way to deal with such problems either but on the other hand, I thought, I don’t want my daughter to be helpless in such situations either, held back by a rule telling that she should not express her anger.
With this little sentence I want to show you how big an impact your words and actions have on your child. We had breakfast and once we were done, Apra asked me ‘If that man there’ – she pointed at a stranger walking by – ‘tries to take my bear, I can hit him, right?’ I had to smile and said ‘Okay, but he is probably a nice man and wouldn’t do that’. She nodded in approval of this logic. The topic was not done however, her mind was still occupied.
Ten minutes later, back up in our hotel room she asked ‘If someone wants to have my biscuits, can I hit him?’ The answer was clear: ‘No, you can give him one because you have so many of them! We don’t hit other people!’ ‘Only if they try to take my bear!’ she replied. And in this manner she went on the whole day. What if someone is not nice, what if this man does this, what if that woman does that. Can I hit them? During sightseeing, when we met friends and in dinner time.
She had been granted an exception to this mighty rule and was now testing it from every side just to make sure she didn’t miss another exception! Do you see how much influence this one sentence had on this two-year-old girl? And can you imagine, if just my one sentence has this effect, what the act of trying to steal her bear must have had on her?
A child’s mind is so soft, her feelings to sensitive and her heart so precious. Take care of what you do and say.
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