For more than two years now, I have been a proud parent. Parenting is something that I enjoy more than I could ever imagine. Giving my child the basics for a good life, helping her discover her surrounding and herself. There are so many important things that I want her to learn and today I would like to tell you about one of these: I want my child to learn saying ‘No’, especially when people get closer than she is comfortable with. I believe especially in India this is a lesson of incredible importance.
Let me give you an example of such a situation. Ramona had gone for shopping with some friends in the main market of Vrindavan. Apra, of course, had come along. So while the others were looking at clothes, trying them on and were spread in the whole shop, Ramona and Apra were playing in front of the mirror.
A saleswoman approached, smiled and greeted the two of them. Ramona greeted back and Apra was too immersed in her play to notice. So the woman came down on her knees just next to Apra and, obviously in an attempt to get her attention, stretched out her hand. She touched her in this one way which children so obviously dislike but which has become a usual habit for adults: she took Apra’s cheek in between her thumb and middle finger so that it looked as though she wants to pinch. Obviously she did not but nevertheless, Apra was everything else but happy about this touch. She retreated two steps backwards in Ramona’s direction. This lady did not take the hint and stretched out the other hand as well, cupping our baby’s other cheek.
This is the point when we want our baby girl to be able to say on her own that she does not want this touch. I want to hear her say ‘NO!’ loud and clear to this stranger. I don’t want to teach her that she has to endure your fingers in her face!
What kind of habit is that anyway? I realize you find our daughter cute – I do so, too – but do you touch every stranger in the face just because you think they are cute? If you and all of us really behaved with adults in this way, it would be fully fine. Apra would not have a problem because she would see this happening the whole time with everyone. But you don’t!
You believe that you can breach my child’s comfort zone simply because she is not even a full meter tall.
Ask any small man or woman, adult but not fully grown, just smaller than the average person, how degrading it is to be treated like this! Ask any teenager and even young adults and they will tell you that they hated this. Being touched by a stranger. Something that happens in your childhood and stops suddenly once your body shows that you are a person whom others should respect. A person with dignity and a private space that you are not supposed to intrude.
Why do you do something like this to children?
Because they cannot say ‘No’? Because they cannot object? That should be a reason for you not to do it and I hope I am not the only one to teach his child the opposite. If you don’t, your child won’t ever learn to say no, not even in adulthood! You will have adults who cannot say no, who just do whatever they are told, who let others invade their privacy and comfort zone. Who have problems with self-respect and self-esteem. Do something against it and teach your child to say ‘No’!
Tomorrow I will describe how Apra and Ramona reacted and the possible solutions Ramona and I found afterwards for such situations.
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