Some days ago I mentioned that some people always offer some negative response and some criticism to whatever you do and whatever you say. I also said that you can, if you know the person, tell him or her that you have noticed the criticism. There is one very popular excuse that people give for criticizing you: I am your friend and I want to help you. That is why I am telling you about your mistake.
You have probably heard that sometime already. Someone starts talking to you about a subject, about something you did or said or maybe about a habit of yours. He or she heavily criticizes what you did and that mostly in a way that makes you feel bad about it. In the end of the lecture the other one looks at you seriously, puts a hand on your shoulder and says ‘I am telling you all of this honestly because I want to help you. I am your friend. Others will not have the courage to tell you anything negative, so I decided to speak openly to you!’
In general these sentences really sound nice and there is nothing wrong with them. If a friend really speaks out about a topic and makes you aware of something you could and should change, it is something good. The problem is however when you get this situation with the same person again and again. The situation is even stranger when you have the feeling that the other one is not really your friend at all. Then you know that this is just another way of wrapping constant criticism into nice words.
As I said before, criticizing can become a habit. Someone who has noticed that permanent criticism is not really appreciated by the surroundings may have found this way of saying something negative which makes the other one feel he cannot really protest. Would you reply and say ‘Listen, you are not really my friend and have no business criticizing this?’ No, you would most probably not.
The reality is however that this seemingly nice wrapping does not make constant criticism and negativity any better. People notice when others are negative. Someone who voices such words regularly will notice that his friends will distance themselves from him. They get afraid to share openly with what they feel. Even if they share something, they may hold back on other parts or not be fully honest. They know that the reaction will be criticism – wrapped in nice words. The result is that these people don’t have a lot of friends if seen on the long run.
Again, don’t understand me wrong, constructive criticism is something good and especially valuable if it comes from a friend who sees deeper into you than most others and may understand the reason for you acting as you do. Constant criticism or negativity however is never appreciated, even if it is said in seemingly nice words.
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A difficult topic to write about though I think you did it with much skill. A friend of course has to be there to tell you what is going good but also what you are doing wrong – even if it is a little bit annoying for you to hear about it. It is true, only friends can talk about everything and anything without being afraid that the other one will mind it. That is even difficult in between partners and in family. So yes, you need to tell your friends what you believe is wrong but obviously in a way that they don’t think you do it all the time and only to annoy them.
Very good. Very bold. We should have the courage to face logical criticism but it is even more important to resist unnecessary and purposeless criticism. Few people try to find faults just to show their intelligence.I have read your diaries of 9th and 11th on criticism. Of 13th i still have to read. In my openion these entries are extremely important and a must read for all. I have read similar things in stress management books. What you have written is psychology made simple for ordinary person. I wonder how you write such things. Perhaps you have learnt it by experience. Please give me a printed copy of whatever you write on this topic.