Why do you expect your Children to act different than you?

Last week I told you about the mother and her daughter who came for an individual session to me in Australia in 2006. The mother practically complained that her sixteen-year-old daughter was going out too much, drank too much alcohol and brought too many boys home. The daughter, in turn, gave a straight-forward answer when I talked to her alone: If my mother does it, it is fine, but if I do it, she thinks it’s a problem!

Well, after I had heard the daughter’s opinion on the issue, I decided that I needed to talk to the mother alone as well. I thus asked the daughter to go out and call her mother in while she would wait for her outside.

I simply told the mother that the daughter had not denied anything. She did go out a lot, she drank and she also slept with different boys. She did mention however that you were doing the same!

Her reply was ‘But she is not even 18!’

I asked her ‘Would it be alright with you if she did that after two years, with 18?’ She thought about it and understood what I meant but it was difficult to accept. As she was doing all of these things herself, the only argument that she had left was the age.

I said, you know, seriously that is only a number. It will change in one day, overnight. One day you won’t allow it and the next one you will. That is how it is legally. But you are not talking about what is legal or not, you are talking about more than that!

If you want your children not to do something, you have to become an example for them. Children won’t listen to the law and they don’t even hear what you are saying. They see what you are doing and they follow the example.

She realized this and said she would try her best to make a change. I could see how difficult it was for her to admit that she had been a bad example for her daughter. In the end however she thanked me for my time and words – and I hope they made a change in their lives!