Love is more important than your Genes

Last week I told you about the mother who had come to me for an individual session together with her 18-year-old daughter. She had told her daughter on her 18th birthday that the man who had raised her and whom she called her father was actually not her biological father. Her biological father was a man with whom she had had an affair and whom she knew nothing about. Now it was up to me to talk to this young woman whose psychological situation was, understandably, a mess.

The mother, in distress and feeling guilty about causing her daughter’s emotional rollercoaster, explained why she had told her, after such a long time, about this big secret: she felt as though it was eating her from inside that she had lied for so many years. She had been carrying it in her heart and felt as though it was getting heavier every day.

I actually felt that there had been no reason to open this truth now, after such a long time. The girl was now adult, happy with the situation as it was and there was nothing to gain for her. There was not another caring individual who could become another role of father for her, as nobody even knew this man’s contact details. Instead, she lost the feeling of having a father for the person who had always been exactly this for her! You did not think about the consequences of your actions and how difficult it would be for you to bear them! But these thoughts were in vain, as she had not asked me before. I talked with the girl instead.

The mysterious man whose genes she shared was very present in this girl’s mind. How can I get in touch with him? If I try to search him and really find him, how would he react? And what about mother’s ex-husband, whom I call my dad? I don’t know what to think, what to do, I could just sit there and cry because my whole life was a lie until now! It feels like I am missing an important part of myself!

I told her that she was now an adult and needed to see things from a mature point of view. As a strong woman, she would be able to bear this shock, this sudden information, and see what is behind it: nothing actually changed.

In my eyes, it was not at all important who the biological father was. You don’t know his name, have never thought of him before and have never missed anything – why would you miss him now? Why would he suddenly be important?

If you are not strong, it will confuse you a lot. If you see it realistically however, you are still standing on the same ground and your place in this world has not changed. The man who raised you and loves you and whom you love very much as well will always be your father! Your genes don’t weight heavier than the love that he has given to you throughout your whole life!

You are a complete person as you are and first of all you need to get back to your balance in your life as it is now. If at some point after that you want to start your search for this man, do it without expecting an overwhelming result. Do it when you know it won’t upset your current life.

Be yourself, as you were until now. Love is more important than your genes!