Don't feel guilty if you have untraditional sexual Fantasies!

As I have already been telling you about some people who came to me for individual consultations in 2007 in Australia, I would like to tell you about one more. One, whom I found to be a quite interesting one. Let me tell you how and why.

This woman came and told me that she and her boyfriend had been together for the past year. Everything was fine. No, better than just fine – everything was going really wonderful. Except for one thing: their sex life.

When someone starts off like this, it normally shows me that this relationships has serious problems. When there are problems in your love life, your most intimate time, it can be a huge issue. When I heard about the nature of the problem however, I couldn’t help but think that in this case, it was not as much of a problem.

She told me how her boyfriend, after four or five months, told her something about his preferences in bed. They had had time to get intimate with each other, had slept with each other – and she had thought it to be quite awesome sex. But he told her, gently and bit by bit, that he liked it a bit different, too. A bit harder, with some games and stuff. You cannot imagine the difficulties she had, telling me about this, blushing deeply red and trying to get it out as fast as possible: “Actually, he sometimes likes getting spanked and sometimes likes to hit me, too!” So they basically were experimenting with tying each other up and even hitting each other during sex or foreplay.

At first, she had thought her boyfriend was quite perverse but she agreed on some little games – and bit by bit she found out that she liked what he was doing! Some things more than others but she said the sex had become even more amazing! The best she ever had!

After listening to all of this I asked her “What exactly is the problem you see with this?”

And I got to know that she felt guilty about the way they were intimate with each other. She felt great while having sex – but afterwards she felt bad, wondering why she enjoyed tying up the man she loved, whether it was not degrading her if she enjoyed doing as he ordered when they were playing. She was quick to add that they both never hit very hard and made sure I knew that she did not feel forced to sleep with him but really was active as well. But that was the problem for her – how could she enjoy this? Was this not sick?

I told her not to worry so much. If you are just playing and thus living your fantasies, enjoying each other’s bodies, I don't see anything wrong. On the contrary, that is actually a sign of a healthy relationship: when you can tell your partner about your deepest wishes and fantasies and he will go there with you and enjoy it, too! Nobody is being harmed, you both love it – so why to spoil it by feeling guilty?

I told her that in Europe I had seen sex shops that sell toys to realize such fantasies and thought they would have them there, too. So of course what they did in their bedroom was a couple’s secret but she didn’t need to think they were the only ones.

I believe that people in countries like India could be judgmental and think it is strange, because they have never heard of it, not seen or read of it.

I encouraged her to see the sex drive as something natural and stop fighting against it. They also cuddled and hugged and loved each other just in bed from time to time, ‘in traditional style’, she had called it – so there is really no reason to believe you are sick or in any way wrong.

If you enjoy your sex life and your partner does, too, I don't see why you should get unhappy about making each other happy.

She left me, the shoulders straight, the face happy and showing a much bigger confidence than when she had come in!

And I smiled – isn't it wonderful how many different people with different preferences there are on this world? And they all find someone to love one day!