Back home after the evening with the girl I thought that this did not feel at all like the nice time I had imagined! I was confused and of course also a bit disappointed. If you have expectations, you can get disappointed. It is a simple rule and I experienced it once more on that day. I was not however very sad or devastated, I was just not able to fully understand what had happened. I had not had any sexual encounter after the one with her and I had thought when I would see her again, I would have the same experience again.
I could not quite believe how she could have had one or even several other men in that time. And how can you be married but be free to sleep with other people without your partner getting angry or upset? It was 2002, only my third visit to Europe, and I did not know much about western culture and how relationships worked there. I had never heard about long-term relationships and short-term relationship and had no idea what an open relationship was.
When I told my friend the doctor in the morning about this whole story, he laughed a bit and said ‘Good!’ I looked at him in disbelief but could not help but smile, too. How do you think it is good when I feel disappointed and so confused? He explained me that he laughed because I made this experience and that was something good. ‘You see, you had no commitment. You were not in a relationship and she did not see any reason not to have sex with others! But now you have learned something about how relationships work here’. He told me it was quite normal in the west that people had sex with one person and the next week with another one.
I got to know that even this way of relationship, which is called ‘open relationship’ could be seen frequently. Two people call themselves partners but can sleep with other people, too. They give each other this freedom to enjoy a night with anyone they want. I had not known this all and had just expected to have a nice night. I felt a little bit stupid but understood that this was because of my inexperience.
My friend said: ‘See it from another point of view: she had a nice experience with you and she will have that for the rest of her life. Now look ahead and think of the rest of your life. Don’t think of her anymore’. That was the advice that I got from the German guru.
After my confusion and slight disappointment it was good to have a friend explain the western culture a bit and tell me to get over it. For a short time I regretted that I had had sex at all and had given up my natural celibacy. Then however I came to the conclusion that it was good to have made this experience in my life, too.
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This experience must have been extra confusing and disappointing because of the drastic cultural differences. Although I come from the West, I also don’t understand open relationships. I respect and commend anyone who can enjoy one and make it work… but I’ve never been interested in that!
I do not know who told you that it was quite normal in the west that people had sex with one person and the next week with another one. I can guarantee you Swami Ji. This is not normal in the west. It is only few who do this and we say that they are simply “crazy”. You cannot make conclusions just from your bad experience or “someone told you”.
Open relationships are very rare and are quite disapproved of by most people in the US.
I agree with Helena and Trevor that it would be incorrect to assume from a few people you happened to have met that such practices are normal. They were more widespread in the West from the late 1960s through the 1970s, and then became much more infrequent after the AIDS epidemic started in the early 1980s. Sensible people in mature relationships avoid open relationships not only because this demonstrates a lack of mature love in the relationship, but also because of all the STD hazards involved. Such lack of discretion is still more commonplace in the West when people are under 20-25 or so, but then such activities level off and become much more infrequent. If people are not really serious about each other, it may be fine for them to see others, but it’s not really a meaningful relationship if it’s “open.” And unless people are marrying only for convenience and have no real love relationship, it makes no sense for married people to have open relationships. It doesn’t make any sense to marry if you still intend to date and play the field. Married couples who do this are manifesting one more of the many examples of decadence and confusion in Western societies, in my view.
Have you heard about swingers…..learn more about that…I was surprised to with all these different relationship when i came to overseas. In India our husbands will kill us for doing such a thing….
Dear Share Care. Do not think that in India all are perfect:-) simply I do not like to say something bad about other culture or what surprised me when I came to India. Every culture has positive and negative sides.
Dear Helena…..I am sure all these things exist in India and else where….I was very ignorant about all these things growing up in india. But some of this issues like open relationships, swingers etc. and what not have been developed more so in the resent years, because more and more people are thinking different….I am not criticizing any particular culture….. I am just saying how man are in India.
Dear friends,Thank you for your comments. The person who told me about open relationships and sexual freedom in the west had made his observations about how a certain kind of people can change their partners weekly. He assumed or noticed after my story that this girl belonged to this kind of people or acted according to such criteria and I don’t think he was wrong about this woman. He also does not belong to those people who change partners frequently and neither do most of my friends.
So rest assured that I don’t think everybody in the west lives in open relationships. In that time I was new to Europe and did not have much experience but now, after living in western countries for 11 years, I can tell you for sure that I have met many people, a lot of them young but also older ones, who are not shy to say that they change their partners in even less time than a week. Today someone and tomorrow someone else.
Obviously you cannot say this for all westerners and I never did. It is however also not limited to any gender, women and men both do this. I have met many people who live in open relationships. I have given a lot of counseling to partners in such relationships and usually see that there are many problems. That is why I believe it is not a concept for a long time. It does not last forever.
But it exists. People try to have their different experiences and do their experiments. It is their choice, which is fine for me.
I was meeting a lot of young people in that time, age maybe 16 to 25 years. Maybe the people in your surrounding and friend circle do not do this but if you look at that age group, you can see it more often. I have made this experience not only once.
And of course, my kind of personality also attracts many crazy people 🙂 Don’t think that someone who calls himself spiritual is not into this. They have their own ideas. I meet all kinds of people.
I do not want to make it a question of India vs. Western countries. There are things that I appreciate everywhere and others that I don’t like, also everywhere. Open relationships may not be my favourite idea of a relationship but I do appreciate many aspects of the sexual freedom in the west.
Much love to all of you.