Missed the Signs for an Offer for Sex - Refusal and its Consequences

Last Sunday I told you about the conversation that I had with one of my hosts about the topic sex in 2004 and how I told her freely and openly about my experiences.

We finished our conversation and she went to take a shower while I did something else. It was a small house so when she came out of the shower, there was no other way for me than to see her. And to see that she was only wrapped in a towel – which just covered her. She stopped to have a talk with me before putting on clothes.

She did not actually have a guestroom in her home so she had put up a temporary bed for me in one of the rooms that she usually used for something else. When she came back, dressed again, she started another conversation: ‘I know this is not a very great guestroom. Maybe the bed is also not really comfortable. Would you like to sleep in my bedroom? I have a big bed, there is enough space!’

I was really innocent in that time and until then had not noticed any of the signs she had given me but at that point, she could hardly get more clear about it. I told her very nicely that the room that I had was fully fine and that the bed was very comfortable. And while I said that I thought of our talk and started wondering whether she had been not only talking about sex in general but about her and me sleeping with each other – and I had just not realized that.

Realizing that I had just refused her offer, she said ‘You know, I love you very much and I will be happy if you sleep over there’. Now I started feeling uncomfortable but did not want to make her feel bad. I answered ‘I also love you but not in that way. I don’t feel like sleeping there. I hope you are fine with that!’ There was no other way for her to accept that but I could see that she was not happy about my answer at all. We went to go to sleep – in separate beds and in separate rooms.

I thought about the situation the whole night long. I was in a foreign country and culture. Should I not have said what I had said? Maybe she had got the wrong impression from my answers to her questions and thought I could sleep at any time with anybody? Should I have lied to her and answer differently or just refuse to answer?

On the next day, we tried to be normal but it was just not possible. At some point she said ‘I love you very much and I do all this for you. I opened my house, I invite people, I organized and did this all for you. You are not a monk, you are not celibate, so what is wrong with me? What is the problem?’

I told her about my reflections on our talk and my answers and that I just did not have this feeling for her. I remember saying ‘I see you like my mother!’ and that I still loved her but I did not want to sleep with her. It became very difficult to be with her. She really seemed upset and somehow even angry about my refusal and I was pretty confused about what I had done wrong.

I stayed one more night and then decided to leave. I contacted another person whom I had met before and who had wanted to organize program for me. I left this house, thinking that I still needed to learn a lot about western culture and women.