I met a lot of people in the year 2005 and they were from many different places, many different social backgrounds and had many different interests. I got in touch with quite a few people who were active in the esoteric scene and realized that there were gurus not only in India – I met modern, western gurus and their followers. They had usually started off as disciples of an Indian guru and at some point started their own business, acting just like their guru, imitating him and his actions. Paired with all the things that western esoteric people believe in, that was not a good combination!
I had come myself from the background of being a guru. I had left this profession, having realized what I did not like about it, wanting to be closer to people and making friends instead of followers. I got to know that also many westerners followed Indian gurus but I always hugged people, invited them to meals and made sure that this distance of guru and follower did not exist in between us.
It was normal for me though to see that people had their own gurus. They were often Indians and most of the times I did not know them. I knew the concept of course but I did not mind the people around me following someone – as long as they did not want to follow me.
Once however I noticed that it can be unpleasant to live with someone who has a very different attitude in this regard. Yashendu, my musician from India and I had arrived at our new organizer’s home and were sitting together in the living room. It was a very big, old house and the woman who had invited us was living there entirely by herself. Our musician, who was in Germany for the first time and who was used to the busy crowds of India, the life in joint families and the never-ending noise, thought it was the creepiest place he had ever been to. He was seriously scared, believing that there was a ghost in the house.
Our organizer did not do much to discourage such ideas though! She was fully in the esoteric belief of ghosts, beings, souls, parts of souls, angels and more. I was quite busy while we were there and did not have a lot of time to pay attention to this. I anyway never believed in ghost stories and any scary beings that nobody had really ever seen. So I just dismissed those thoughts and did my work, enjoying meeting new people and making new friends.
It was one of those friends who told me later with what kind of woman we had actually been! I did not speak German and that is how I did not understand what was being said to the people who came to me. Everything else was normal for me – people usually put candles on during meditation and soft music which is actually nice. I was also used to the organizer talking rather quietly to people and I saw it as an effort to calm them and give them a nice feeling before a workshop, meditation or individual session.
I later got to know that this lady actually believed that she was a seer and clairvoyant. This means she was in the illusion that she could see things others could not and that beings in the spirit world told her secrets about her surroundings. She had thus been telling all those strange things to people who were coming to meet me. What kind of impression people must have got!
Additionally, and this I experienced not only in her home but in other places, too, there was a kind of ego which was strange to people around. This ‘esoteric ego’ which I started calling it after several such experiences lets people think that they are really great seers and that due to this fake knowledge which they claim to have, they are in some way better than others. Others should be grateful that they share their inputs with them. Some people like this and become followers of western gurus – others are just repelled by such ego.
I just started learning dealing with all these things in 2005. I started understanding the esoteric scene with all its illusions of channelings and spirits, I experienced the ‘esoteric ego’ for the first times and I got to know the first western Gurus. Seeing all of this just confirmed that guruism was not for me anymore.