You cannot love, have Sex with different People and not be jealous all at the same time!

After visiting a lot of different places in Germany in 2005, I also went to Copenhagen in that year, as it had nearly become a routine over the years. I had made several friends there over the course of time and I was looking forward to see them all again. One of them had birthday in the time when I was there, too, and so it was nice to get together and enjoy. In the days that I spent in Denmark, I also had quite an interesting conversation with one of my friends, who strongly believed in polygamous relationships.

This friend did not only say that he believed in open relationships, he also lived according to this philosophy. He was in a relationship with a woman whom he called his wife but he simultaneously had a loose connection with several other women as well. He lived together with one woman but they both agreed that they could sleep with other men and women, too. They had probably enjoyed threesomes with people whom they both liked, too. Until I met them I had heard of this concept but had not closely met people who lived according to it, so I was always interested to hear more about their daily life and how they managed in this open relationship.

When I was there in May 2005, my friend was not very happy and seemed rather thoughtful and sad to me. When I asked him what the matter was, he told me that his wife had had sex with another man. I also knew this man and nodded, wondering whether that was a matter to be sad. He admitted ‘When I got to know that she had slept with him, I felt jealous and I had to go out and take a long walk in the forest to calm down.

I did not completely understand that and asked ‘I know that you have slept with other women, too. How come you get upset if your wife sleeps with another man if you can sleep with other women?’ ‘I wouldn’t mind if she had sex with you!’ he answered, ‘But just look at that guy with whom she slept! You know him! It is as though she sleeps with just any random guy on the street!’

I tried to open his eyes a little bit through his curtain of jealousy: ‘If she has the freedom to sleep with someone else, you are not the one who can decide with whom she should sleep! It is her own, free choice! You see, it is normal, human nature to be jealous but you both agreed that you would not be! If you can sleep with others and not ask her about it, she can do the same!’

I have seen this and other examples that gave me the impression that polygamous relationships don’t really work. If you are really in love with someone, this situation makes you jealous, you won’t be able to avoid that! If you have feelings for this person, it is impossible!

I believe the concept of open relationships is against human nature. If you just want to function sexually, without any feelings and without love, it might work, as you are creating no attachment. If you continue your sexual relationship for a longer time though, you will develop feelings and that is the point where jealousy can happen, too! If you love someone, if you feel for someone and this person sleeps with someone else, it is natural that you get jealous!

Open relationships can only work if you don’t have feelings. So if you believe in this concept, don’t allow yourself to fall in love – otherwise you will get into a sad situation like my friend. He could accept what I told him – but of course the pain was there anyway!